The Predictable Adventures of Harry Potter
by OdeToANightingale
Summary: [Parody!] The school year is never dull when Harry and his friends must encounter Mary Sues, overly dramatic love affairs, time-traveling parents, and every other overdone plot device known to mankind.
1. Drama, Makeovers, and a Resurrection

_Disclaimer_: I do not own _Harry Potter_ or anything else mentioned in this story.

_Important Notes: _This is only a harmless parody on fanfiction cliches and should not be taken seriously. I originally wrote this story during 2004 and 2005, and most of it was written before the sixth and seventh books came out. So there are quite a few outdated references in here, but I decided not to edit them for nostalgia's sake. Also, Hermione is wildly out of character on purpose. She's meant to be the Mary Sue version of Hermione. Now on with the parody!

* * *

**Chapter One  
**Drama, Makeovers, and a Resurrection

It was the summer after Harry's fifth year at Hogwarts, and everyone's favorite angsty teenager let out a huge, dramatic, shuddering sigh. "Oh, I have the worst life ever," Harry moaned. He always moaned these days, as it was the best portrayal of agony. "Pity me, for I am horribly tragic! He was so depressed that summer, he eventually took up self-mutilation as a hobby, since all the unhappy twelve-year-old kids in the neighborhood were doing it and Harry didn't want to be left out. He was ready to pull out a kitchen knife he had stolen from his Aunt Petunia and cut his attractive, shapely wrist, when somebody suddenly rushed into the room and pulled the knife from his hand.

Gasp! What a surprise! Harry looked up and saw Hermione Granger of all people standing in his room, the knife clutched in her fist. "Hermione," Harry moaned, as he was still depressed and in agony. "You saved my life. Thank Merlin you showed up ever so conveniently and took that knife away even though you could never realistically just appear in the Dursleys' house like that!"

"Actually, that's not really a knife," said Hermione. "It's a Pepsi Twist with lemon. And I'm not really Hermione Granger." She unzipped her costume, revealing the person underneath. "I'm Draco Malfoy."

Harry's vision-impaired eyes nearly bugged out of his head. "_Malfoy?_"

"Please call me Draco, my dear Harry. Last names are so cold and unfeeling, don't you think?"

"Er… all right, Draco," said Harry, continuing to stare at him in confusion. "But why have you come here? And why did you save me?"

Draco took a few steps closer to Harry, gazing deeply into his eyes. "Because I have realized the error of my ways and found that I desperately love you."

"Oh, Draco," Harry moaned in an incredibly depressed way. "I think I love you too! Though I have no logical idea why!"

"Let us get on the Hogwarts Express together," Draco said warmly. "Wait till my father hears about this! He'll be ready to beat me with a leather strap, but I will take it willingly because I am totally rebellious now."

And all of a sudden it was the first of September and Harry and Draco were on the Hogwarts Express, just like that! But Harry's good fortune didn't end there. The Dursleys underwent a sudden change of heart and decided that they loved Harry very much, even more than they loved their own son. They wrote touching letters to Harry and even sent him homemade sweaters and pies. The transformation in their personalities was truly amazing.

Harry and Draco were able to passionately make out in the back compartment of the train for a full three minutes, when the door suddenly opened and Ron, Hermione, and Ginny walked in. Harry and Draco immediately drew their lips apart.

"Harry, why are you and Draco sitting together?" Ginny asked.

Harry blushed furiously and began to fidget in his seat. "Er… No reason! No reason at all!"

"Oh, good. At first I was afraid that you two were lovers or something. Now I can relax…" Ginny gazed at Draco and fluttered her eyelashes seductively. It was then that Harry and Draco noticed that she was different. Ginny had dyed her hair a lovely shade of blonde, her freckles had magically disappeared, and her face was coated in perfectly applied makeup.

Draco suddenly leapt up from his seat like a possessed ferret. "Ginny, I never realized it before, but I desperately love you!"

Ginny blushed attractively. "Really? Me too!" She grabbed Draco and the two of them went off to find an empty compartment.

Harry was once more filled with tragic angst and his eyes filled up with tears of anguish. "How could Draco possibly leave me? I'm too sexy and heartrendingly angsty to be ditched!" He cast his tragic, tear-filled gaze upon Ron and Hermione and gasped in surprise. Everyone else in the entire train looked at Hermione and also gasped.

"Her-Hermione?" sputtered Harry. "What happened to you?"

Hermione blushed. Her hair was straighter than a line drawn with a ruler, she had somehow acquired a fashion model's body, and she was wearing a bikini top with a ludicrously short skirt. "I was sent to a summer school program at Boobatons Sue Academy," she explained. Harry and Ron's jaws were positively dropping.

"Hermione, I never realized it before, but I desperately love you!" Harry moaned like a depressed Boy-Who-Lived.

Hermione stuck her already conspicuous chest out further and smiled widely. "Oh, Harry! I love you too!" She threw her arms around him and passionately kissed his angsty cheek.

Ron shot Harry a death glare. "No, Hermione! I have loved you since the day I first met you! My love is truer!"

Hermione took her lips off of Harry's face and gazed at Ron. "You have? Oh, Ron! I have always loved you too! I was just too afraid to show it!" She threw her arms around him.

"Hermione?" Harry moaned weakly. "Ron, how could you?"

"I'm sorry, Harry," said Ron, "but I must take what is rightfully mine. You never loved Hermione until five seconds ago anyway. My love is so much more sincere! I even got a tattoo of Hermione's face on my shoulder! See?"

"I can't see," said Harry. "Hermione's breasts are in the way."

"Oh, sorry." Hermione backed up so Harry could see properly.

"Well, my dear Hermione," Ron purred like a suave weasel. "Let us go find an empty compartment and consummate our new-found love!"

The two of them ran off and Harry was left gaping like a fish at their retreating backs. "I-I-I've been di-ditched twice in less than ten minutes! Why must I be stuck with the most miserable life of all time?" Harry was feeling just as horrible and depressed as he had felt during the summer before Draco arrived to rescue him. An owl suddenly flew in through the window and dropped a package in his lap. "Another homemade sweater from the Dursleys. I wonder why they're so nice to me all of a sudden."

Suddenly, without warning, Sirius popped up in the compartment!

Harry gaped in surprise. "S-Sirius?" he gasped.

"Indeed!" Sirius replied cheerfully. "Somehow, in a completely unrealistic way, I managed to unrealistically come out from behind the veil and unrealistically come back to life and unrealistically Apparate into this train compartment unrealistically!"

"Unbelievable!"

Sirius nodded and smiled at Harry. "Actually, it turns out that I never really died at all. It was all just a big hoax!"

Harry gasped. "It was?"

"Yes! Behind that veil was actually a nice little cottage where I sat on a comfy plush chair and drank tea and ate cookies! Harry, I thought you were smart. I mean, come on. It was obvious that I was alive the whole time!"

The door suddenly burst open and Remus Lupin came running in. "SIRIUS!" he cried, jumping onto Sirius' lap. "Oh Sirius, the love of my sad pathetic life, I've missed you so much! I could barely go on after you died! How did you manage to come back?"

"Silly Remus!" said Sirius. "I didn't even die in the first place! Everyone just thought that I had died, but some people out there knew in their hearts that I was alive. And so I have returned. I don't know why it took me so long to make myself known, but that doesn't matter and doesn't make sense anyway."

"Wow, what a plot hole!" said Remus. "But I don't care!"

"Let's go find an empty compartment," said Sirius. "I don't want Harry seeing us making out and then becoming jealous." He and Remus grabbed hands and skipped off together.

Harry stared after them with his eyes widened in shock. "Why didn't Sirius ever tell me that he and Remus were together? And why wasn't I ever able to guess? Nothing ever makes sense in this world!" He sighed, then curled up in his seat and fell fast asleep.


	2. Introducing Mary Sue Number 1

**Chapter Two**  
Introducing Mary Sue #1

The train soon arrived at Hogwarts and Harry dragged himself into the castle in an incredibly depressed manner. "FIRS' YEARS THIS WAY!" roared Hagrid, picking up all the first years in one hand and tossing them into the Great Hall. A few of them landed with a sickening SPLAT! "Oopsies!" said Hagrid. Filch went and mopped up the smashed remains of the students, and the students that were still alive got into a line and were sorted.

Harry tragically sat down and sullenly greeted his classmates. A thin, petite girl with a pretty face suddenly walked into the Great Hall. Looking at her robes, Harry, Hermione, and Ron saw that she was a Slytherin.

"Hello," said Hermione. "Are you new here?"

"No, it's me!" said the girl. "I'm Millicent Bulstrode! Remember? Over the summer I lost four thousand pounds and got a facelift!"

Harry and his friends stared at Millicent in shock. It was quite amazing what makeovers could do. Ask Hermione, she can tell you. Speaking of Hermione, Snape happened to glance at the Gryffindor table and his eyes widened in utter shock. "Hermione, is that _you_?" he demanded.

Hermione blushed and fluttered her eyelashes at him. "Yes, professor."

Ron scowled at the potions master. "Are you checking out my beautiful lady?"

"Silence, Weasley!" snapped Snape. "So what if I am?" He sidled over to Hermione and straightened up his greasy hair. "Dearest Hermione, you make me feel like I've been struck with a thousand cheering charms! Be mine, my gorgeous angel!" He got down on his knees and gazed up into her eyes. "I beg of you, Hermione! For I desperately love you!"

Hermione giggled. "Oh, Severus! You're so sexy when you beg! Of course I will be yours!" She threw her arms around him.

Ron made a strangled, gasping sound of distress. "H-H-Hermione?"

"Oh, I didn't love you all that much, Ron," Hermione explained casually. "Especially since... dun dun dun... you're actually my long-lost sister!"

"Egad!" Ron shrieked. "We're related?"

"Yes," said Hermione. "I just found out today from some reliable yet unrealistic source."

"How creepy," said Ron. Something suddenly dawned on him and he let out a squeaky yelp. "Hey, wait! Did you say that I'm your _sister_?"

"Oh, yes! You are actually a girl who was mistaken as a boy at birth!"

Ron was so distressed at this news, he ran off so he could go cry in the girl's bathroom.

"Actually, I'm not surprised that Ron turned out to be a girl," Harry remarked. "Remember back in our third year when he woke up and found blood on his sheets?"

Hermione gasped. "It makes senses now!"

"Now that's bizarre," Snape said. "Well, my darling Hermione, let's have our make-out session!" And they kissed right there in the Great Hall.

"Why don't I have a messed-up love life?" Harry moaned in the most anguished way possible. "Why must I be forever alone?"

"You could fall in love with me!" said a lovely voice behind him.

Harry turned around and saw the most beautiful female creature that ever existed in the whole entire school, entire country, entire continent, entire world, entire solar system, entire galaxy, and entire universe. Her long hair flowed and clung to her shapely, curvy body and was a beautiful white-blonde-red-brown-black-purple. Her large eyes were blue-green-orange-purple-brown-yellow-black-gold-silver. Harry had a hard time deciding exactly what color they were. She was part fairy, part veela, part unicorn, part butterfly, part angel, and was endowed with many wonderful powers that exceeded that of most witches and wizards.

The girl flashed a perfect smile, showing off her perfect teeth that were straight and sparkling and flawlessly white. "I'm an exchange student, but I'm a Gryffindor sixth year like you. My name is Aurelia-Clemandalina-Ivana-Rhiannon-Venetia-Sapphira-Bianca-Heidialette-Elienor-Daphnielia-Gweniveive-Rosinia-Winifred-Melivia-Leonore-Sabrina-Corinnesta-Jasmine-Penelope-Veraline-Amethyst-Calliope-Amylette-Zelda-Ashleighetta-Rowena-Alessandria-Saffrona-Vivien-Cassandra-Belindaline-Marysue."

Harry looked taken aback.

"But you may call me Aurelia for short," said the girl.

"Thank Merlin." Harry breathed a sigh of relief.

"Oh, Harry," gushed Aurelia, throwing her beautiful arms around him. She kissed him on the mouth with her lovely red lips and Harry nearly fainted again. "Oh, Harry! You are the most dashing tragic hero I've ever set eyes on! Make me yours!"

Harry and Aurelia then went off to find a place to make out in private. They opened an empty closet and heard some startled screams that sounded oddly like Hermione and Snape, and so Harry quickly shut the door and found another closet, this time an empty one. After spending some "quality time" in the closet for a few hours, Harry and Aurelia finally finished their business and went into the hall. Suddenly, for some unexplainable reason, Harry smashed into Draco. Draco smashed into Harry. Harry fell over, smacking his head on a nearby suit of armor, and lost consciousness. "Oh, Harry!" Aurelia gasped uselessly.

A few moments later, Harry regained consciousness, but something was terribly wrong. He ran a hand over his aching head but instead of feeling the usual mass of black unruliness, he discovered gelled smoothness. At the same time Draco felt something odd on his face, and to his horror he found that he was wearing glasses. Several students yelped in surprise at these startling discoveries, for it appeared that Harry and Draco had switched bodies!

"Aurelia?" cried Harry. "Fair lady, wherever did you go?" He then looked over to his left and saw Aurelia passionately Draco, and the anguish was so great that Harry uttered a tortured yell and ran off down the hallway.

But suddenly, he felt himself transported, just like that! He landed hard upon the ground, opened his eyes, and saw none other than his parents standing in front of him. It appeared that he had traveled through time.

"It is I, the tragic Lily Evans!" Lily exclaimed, striking a dramatic pose. "All I want out of my tragic life is nauseatingly perfect grades and an ideal love life!" She sighed dramatically. "I hate James Potter so very much!"

"I love Lily so very much," said James with a sigh. "I have become absorbed in teen hormonal angst! Gaze upon my angsty sexiness!" He ripped off his shirt in deep anguish.

"I still hate James," said Lily. She looked at James, who was still shirtless and was about to remove his pants. "But I think we should fall in love anyway!" She then grabbed him and started kissing him passionately.

"Oh, the horror!" cried Harry, beginning to twitch. "Lily and James romantic back-story! It's taking over the world!"

Suddenly, Remus Lupin snuck up behind James and stabbed him with a butcher knife. "Lily, it is I who desperately loves you!"

"I feel the same way about you, dear Remus!" said Lily, gazing at him adoringly.

Sirius shoved Remus out of the way. "Lily, I've loved you longer!"

"I love you even better!" said Lily.

Suddenly, Peter Pettigrew emerged. He took a rope out of his pocket, choked both Remus and Sirius with it, and scooped up Lily in his arms and flew off on a broomstick with her. "Lily, you must not believe those fools! I have deeply loved you far more and far longer than anyone else!"

Lily giggled. "You have no idea how long I've been waiting for you to say that, you beautiful creature!" She and Peter kissed and then flew away to get married.

"NOOOO!" cried Harry. He fell over in a faint.

An hour later Harry woke up on his bed in the Gryffindor boys dormitory. He looked in the mirror and saw that somehow he no longer resembled Draco. He was back to normal, but felt as miserable and tortured as ever. He grabbed his wand and put the Cruciatus Curse on himself.

Aurelia, hearing Harry's shrieks of pain, rushed into the room, whipped out her wand, and put Harry back to normal. She had such wonderful and amazing powers that she could even stop the Unforgivable Curses.

Harry, massaging his hurt body, looked up at his rescuer. "Aurelia? I thought you didn't love me anymore."

She smiled her very sweetest and most bewitching smile. "I thought that Draco Malfoy was you. Oh Harry, I'm sorry! I never really betrayed you. You're not mad at me, are you?"

"How can anybody be mad at someone as perfect as you?" said Harry. He wrapped himself around her curvy, gorgeous body.

"Oh, Harry!" sighed Aurelia. The two of them passionately kissed, just as they always did, since they never seemed to have anything better to do.


	3. Complicated Relationships

_Note: _I feel like I should explain the issue of Blaise Zabini that comes up in this chapter. As I mentioned earlier, this is an old story that was originally written before the last two books came out. Before _Half-Blood Prince _was published, Blaise Zabini's gender was a huge mystery, so some fanfic writers depicted him as a boy and other writers depicted him as a girl. So this chapter contains a parody of that.

* * *

**Chapter Three  
**Complicated Relationships

The next day Harry was back in his own time and body and made his way to the Great Hall, holding hands with Aurelia the entire time. Hermione was applying brightly colored lipstick to her gorgeous lips, while being watched by a mob of drooling boys, and she smiled and puffed out her chest. Suddenly Professor McGonagall grabbed her purple megaphone and announced, "Everyone, listen to me! A horrible mistake was made over five years ago because Hermione is actually a Slytherin!"

Hermione cheered and Snape sidled over to kiss her. "Hermione, my sweet!" cried Snape. "I knew we were destined to be together!"

Neville Longbottom, who had somehow become brave, intelligent, buff, fearless, and outgoing over the summer, raised his hand boldly in the air. "How the hell did you guys manage to make a mistake on what house Hermione's in?" he demanded fiercely.

McGonagall shrugged her elderly shoulders. "That kind of thing happens when we have an old geezer for a headmaster." She gestured at Dumbledore, who was snoring with his head in a bowl of chocolate pudding.

Meanwhile Hermione put away her lipstick and got up from the Gryffindor table so she could sit at the Slytherin one. Various Slytherins (mainly drooling boys) happily greeted her. "Can you believe what just happened?" Harry whispered, nudging Dean Thomas. "And look at Malfoy's face."

"I would be able to see if Hermione's chest wasn't blocking the view," Dean replied.

Draco Malfoy, as Harry had noticed, was staring avidly at Hermione with an enraptured look in his eyes. "Hermione!" he cried dramatically. "I have suddenly realized that I desperately love you!"

Snape put a protective hand on Hermione's shoulder. "Stay away, young Draco. She's mine!"

"Draco, you're not trying to abandon me, are you?" Ginny asked anxiously.

Draco stroked her newly acquired blonde hair and kissed her. "No, my dear love. But you must understand. I love Hermione too, and I must have her!"

"Over my dead body!" yelled Snape. He smacked Draco upside the head and Draco instantly passed out.

"Oh, Draco!" cried Ginny, flinging herself beside his unconscious body. "I promise you I shall never leave your side!"

Suddenly, Tom Riddle popped out of a nearby book with a puff of smoke. "Ginny," he implored dramatically. "I must let you know that I desperately love you! Why oh why did you let that nasty Harry Potter get rid of me?"

Ginny stood up and threw her arms around him. "I was unconscious, my dear most darling Tom! Otherwise I would have!"

"Then you love me even though I'm evil and have a bad hairdo?"

She kissed him. "Of course!"

"I've been wanting to tell you for years," Tom moaned in a dramatic manner. "But for the sake of a plot hole, I never did!" He gazed at Ginny adoringly. "By the way, I love the blonde look." He then took her in his arms and whisked her away.

A minute later, Draco woke up and looked wildly around him. "Where did my dearest Ginny run off to? She said that she would never leave my side."

"Oh, she ran off with Tom Riddle," said Hermione, who knew all of the castle's hottest gossip. "It appears that they had been secretly in love for years and have finally hooked up. They disappeared a few seconds ago. It's a pity you just missed them."

"What in the name of Merlin's beard?" cried Draco. "I've been ditched!"

"Duh," said Hermione.

"But I'm Draco Malfoy! Nobody ditches Draco Malfoy!" Draco's eyes shimmered with sad, lonely tears and he began to inch towards Hermione. "Hermione, my angel, you are the only one for me now! Lose that creepy teacher and be my soul-mate!"

"I've already told you a million times, I'm taken," said Hermione, cuddling up beside Snape. Snape snarled at Draco.

"Now I don't have a messed-up love life," Draco complained pathetically.

"Well that's too bad for you," said Harry. He grabbed Aurelia and kissed her. Aurelia kissed back. Soon they were in each other's arms, making out so intensely that they couldn't hear Draco's cries of anguish. Draco was so utterly depressed that he now knew exactly how Harry felt and grabbed a knife from off the Slytherin table, ready to perform some angsty self-cutting.

"No, Draco!" said a voice. "Don't commit this terrible deed!"

Draco dropped the knife and turned around. "Who said that?"

A student who resembled neither a boy nor a girl stepped forward. "Me, Blaise Zabini, your fellow Slytherin! Me, the one whose gender is a mystery!"

"Oh, yes. Blaise Zabini," said Draco, refreshing his memory. "So, what are you exactly?"

"Nobody really knows for sure, not even myself!" it replied.

"That's very, um, interesting," said Draco.

"I heard you need a messed-up love life," said Blaise. "I can help you there." It gave Draco a kiss on his shiny blonde head and gazed adoringly into his cold grey eyes. "I have at last found my soul mate! We were destined to be together, and nothing can split us apart!"

"I feel the same way," said Draco, with a contented sigh.

Blaise put its arm around Draco's neck. "Make love to me, my Slytherin prince!"

Draco shook his head. "Nah, not here in the Great Hall with all these people around. Come on, I know a great spot where Ginny and I used to go." Draco grabbed its hand and the two of them skipped happily out of the Great Hall.

Meanwhile Harry and Aurelia were still completely absorbed in their kissing spree, and Hermione and Snape had started a kissing spree of their own. Somehow everyone else in the Great Hall was either unaware of everything that was happening, or they had all left, thanks to the conveniently nonsensical plot. Sirius seemed to be the only one in the Hall who wasn't part of a kissing couple and he gazed forlornly at Harry and Aurelia. "I'm bored," he announced.

No one answered.

"I said, I'm bored," Sirius repeated.

Again, no one answered.

"I am terribly bored," Sirius said yet again.

Still no one answered.

"I think I'll go back behind that veil thing then," Sirius decided mournfully. "There's nothing for me to do here and no one will pay any attention to me." He promptly disappeared.

Three and a half hours later, Harry finally managed to take his lips off of Aurelia's and looked around the Great Hall. "Where in the name of Merlin's trousers did Sirius go? Sirius?" He spied Remus wiping tears from his eyes and went over to comfort him. "Remus, what's wrong?"

"Sirius left!" Remus bawled, letting out a huge sob. "He decided that life was boring and so he went back behind the veil!"

"No!" Harry cried tragically. He bowed his head and became absorbed in dramatic angst, until a lovely hand touched his finely shaped shoulder.

"Oh, Harry!" breathed Aurelia, fluttering her perfect eyelashes at him. "I will make you feel better!" She enclosed him in her perfect arms and put her lips onto his own. It appeared that Makeout Session Round Two had begun.

About seven hours and twelve minutes later, Harry and Aurelia broke apart, as did Snape and Hermione. Harry took in several deep breaths, since all of that kissing partially cut off his oxygen intake. But that was a risk you had to take with kissing. Just ask the dementors. Why else is their breathing so rattling and raspy?

"It's about time you guys have stopped the kissing already," said Remus. "Think of poor me, not having anybody to kiss."

"I could arrange that!" said Hermione, throwing her arms around him.

"Hermione, darling, what are you doing?" Snape snarled angrily.

"Well I was getting a little tired of you, Severus dear," Hermione replied. "Besides, Remus and I have so much more in common!"

"Hermione, get away from that lousy werewolf and go back to kissing me!" pleaded Snape. But it was too late, for Hermione was already on Remus and passionately kissing him. Snape began to sob dramatically and ripped out chunks of his hair. "Nooooo!" he cried, slumping to the ground in a faint. Harry immediately pushed him out the door.

Suddenly McGonagall appeared in an attempt to salvage the plot. "You all know that you do have to go to class, right?" she asked.

Aurelia gasped. "Oh no!" she said in her perfect melodious voice. "Now we shall all fail!" She threw herself before McGonagall, heaving her most dramatic and heart-touching sobs. McGonagall completely fell under the spell of the Sue and decided to let everybody skip class for the day.

"Hermione, did you hear that?" said Harry. "We don't have to go to classes!"

Hermione didn't hear him. She was making out with Remus with such fervor and intensity that she was not aware of anything that was going on around her, and Remus seemed just as absorbed. Harry sighed in irritation. "The new Hermione is so different! She cares nothing about class or studying, and she hasn't touched a book in weeks!"

"What's wrong with that?" said a voice.

Harry turned around. "Ron?"

Ron blushed and gave a curtsy. "Actually, it's Ronda now, since I'm actually a girl and everything." He, or she, went to Hermione and tapped her on the shoulder. "Hermione?" She ignored her. "Hermione!" Ron sighed and screamed in her ear, "HERMIONE GRANGER!"

Hermione gave a startled jump. "What? Who's there?" She turned around and saw Ron. "Oh, Ron! I have something important to tell you!"

"What is it?"

Hermione took a minute to brush out her lustrous hair and then said, "I just found something out from yet another reliable yet unrealistic source! It turns you aren't a girl after all, and we aren't related!"

Ron looked like his birthday had come early. "Really? This is the greatest day of my life! My masculinity has been restored to me!"

"Ahem!" said Remus in Hermione's direction.

"Oh!" said Hermione. "I'm so sorry, my sexy werewolf!" She leaped on him and they began kissing non-stop once more.

Ron sighed. "Kissing, kissing, kissing! That's all anybody ever seems to do here! Well, that's what happens when there's an incredibly thin plot, right Harry? Harry?"

But Harry did not answer, as he was far too busy passionately kissing Aurelia.

Ron heaved another dramatic sigh. "I hate being the sidekick."


	4. The Sue Spawn of Darkness

**Chapter Four  
**The Sue Spawn of Darkness

The next morning Harry woke up with Aurelia lying beside him. Her perfect eyelashes fluttered open. "Oh, Harry!" she sighed happily.

"Oh, Aurelia!" Harry kissed her lovely mouth. She kissed him on his angsty yet attractive mouth. He kissed her again. She kissed him again. This went on for quite a while, as usual.

About an hour later, the two of them had finished their "quality time" and sat down together at the Gryffindor table in the Great Hall. Draco and Blaise skipped in a minute later, their arms around each other's shoulders. Hermione, however, was not sitting at any of the student tables, and Harry wondered where she was. He looked across the room and finally spotted her at the teacher's teacher, in Remus's lap with her mouth glued to his. Snape was sitting as far away from them as possible, glowering at his goblet of pumpkin juice.

Dumbledore stood up rather shakily and announced, "CHOCOLATE!"

Every student in the hall stared at Dumbledore. "Where?"

"Ha!" croaked Dumbledore. "That sure got you to pay attention! I have an important announcement to make. In order to make this year at Hogwarts as cliché and predictable as possible, we are going to have a tournament!"

"Gasp!" gasped the students. "How completely unexpected!"

"Anyone can participate in this tournament despite the lethal hazards," continued Dumbledore. "There will be a competition, and the person who wins the competition will win something."

"What? What will they win?" begged the students excitedly.

Dumbledore shrugged his aged shoulders. "I dunno. Something, I guess. Sign-up sheets will be located in your house common rooms." And he sat back down.

"Oh, Harry!" gushed Aurelia, fluttering her perfect eyelashes, "You must compete in the tournament!"

Harry trembled with apprehension at the thought of competing in another tournament. Surely Voldemort would show up and create another tragic, angsty disaster and fill him with even more misery!

"Honestly, Harry, do you really think that Voldemort would be stupid enough to do the same backfiring plan twice?" said Blaise, who was gifted with the ability to read minds.

"You have a point," said Harry. "Very well. I'll sign up for the tournament."

"What about me?" said Ron. "I want to compete too!"

Harry laughed. "Ron, you're just my sidekick-buddy! You're not nearly special enough to perform any heroic, miraculous deeds!"

Ron clenched his fists and glared angrily at the floor. "I hate being a sidekick... I hate being a sidekick... I hate being a sidekick..."

Neville jumped on top of a table and flexed his impressive muscles. "I'M SIGNING UP! NOTHING CAN SCARE ME!" Various students clapped and cheered, and several simpering girls crowded around him.

"Oh Draco, you must compete! Do it for me!" said Blaise, giggling like an excited little schoolboy/schoolgirl.

"Anything for you," said Draco, giving it a kiss on the cheek.

"I'd better tell Hermione that I'm going to enter the tournament," Harry announced. He approached the staff table, where Hermione and Remus were spread out right on the tabletop kissing wildly and passionately. Harry looked ready to be sick and cleared his throat. "Er... Hermione?"

"Mmm!" moaned Hermione, her mouth still attached to Remus's.

Frustrated, Harry attempted to pull the kissing couple apart, but Remus glared angrily at him. "Harry, what are you doing? You can't have a part in this relationship! NOW GO AWAY!" He splashed a goblet of pumpkin juice at Harry and immediately went back to Hermione.

"Well so much for that," Harry said. "Who needs Hermione anyway? She's just a useless bimbo now." He found Aurelia, took her by her beautiful hand, and went into the Gryffindor common room, where students were excitedly crowded around the sign-up sheets.

Neville was on top of a sofa doing some sort of victory dance. "I rule! Go me! I have nothing but extreme confidence in myself!"

Harry picked up a quill and wrote his name under the list of people competing in the tournament. "Oh, Harry!" squealed Aurelia, giving him a tender kiss. "Being the sexy hero that you are, I just know that you're going to win!"

"Thanks, my darling Aurelia," said Harry. "You always make me feel famous!"

"Harry, you _are_ famous," Ron pointed out.

"Quiet, Ron!" shushed Harry. "You're only the worthless sidekick-buddy! You can't have any lines!"

Ron glared at his friend and retreated into a corner. "Harry seems to think he's so great with his fame and his scar and his nauseatingly beautiful and perfect girlfriend! Well I'm going to enter that tournament and beat him!"

"Sorry, Ron, but no can do," said Neville, who had stopped his crazed sofa dancing. "The tournament rules clearly state that no sidekicks are allowed to compete. You'll just have to sit in the audience and sullenly cheer on all the lucky students who are enjoying your missed-out opportunity." He clapped Ron apologetically on the shoulder and went to steal some butterbeer, being the daring fearless person that he is.

Ron sat down on the floor and plotted to himself for a while. An evil smile slowly spread across his freckled face. "If I can't compete in that tournament, then I shall do the next best thing..."

* * *

Harry and Aurelia left the common room and went to find a good place to make out and spend "quality time," since nobody ever attended classes anymore. "Let's try Snape's classroom," Harry suggested. "We can get physical together in a giant cauldron!"

Aurelia giggled and snuggled up to his shoulder. "Oh, Harry!"

The two of them entered the potions classroom and began passionately kissing in one of the cauldrons, when the door banged open and somebody barged in. Startled, Harry and Aurelia drew apart. The person's black robes swished poetically as he glided into the classroom and an awful scowl contorted his face. Obviously it was Snape, in a more horrible mood than usual. "Why?" he muttered to himself. "How could this happen?" He paced in front of his desk, his face in his hands.

Harry and Aurelia exchanged confused glances. He apparently had not noticed them.

"Bursting in on my happiness, just like that!" growled Snape, smacking his hand on the desk for emphasis.

Harry started to get nervous. Perhaps Snape had noticed them after all.

The potions master continued to pace back and forth, occasionally tugging on his greasy hair despairingly. "Why, oh why? I can't believe she would do this to me! Am I not good enough for her?"

Harry and Aurelia felt relief creep in and decided it was best to slip away, before Snape really did spot them. Using his amazing quick getaway skills and aided with Aurelia's superb, talented powers of extraordinary amazingness, Harry managed to leave the classroom without being seen.

Snape, meanwhile, continued to rant and rave to himself angrily, until Neville Longbottom burst into the classroom unannounced. Having gotten over his fear of him, Neville regularly visited the potions master and even had afternoon tea with him every now and then. "Hey, professor!" he proclaimed boldly.

Snape gave a startled jump and ceased his ranting. "What? Oh, it's only you, Longbottom."

"Have I come at a bad time?"

"No, no." An idea had suddenly hatched in Snape's devious mind. He took a sheet of parchment out of the pocket of his robes and handed it to Neville. "Longbottom, I want you to find Miss Granger and give her this letter."

"Sure thing, professor!" said Neville enthusiastically. "Nothing will stop me!" He left the room to bravely and heroically wander about the castle, looking for where Hermione had gone. He soon opened the door of the teacher's lounge and found Remus Lupin crouched in a chair sobbing. "Hiya there, professor! Seen Hermione anywhere?"

At the sound of Hermione's name, Remus let out a shuddering gasp of deep anguish.

"What's the matter?" said Neville, flexing his muscles in front of a mirror. He grinned at his reflection.

Remus lifted up his tormented, tear-streaked face. "Hermione! Sh-she's been abducted! By the giant squid!" He moaned and fresh tears rained down his cheeks. "My darling, sexy, wonderful Hermione! I'll never see her again!" He put his face back in his hands and continued his agonized sobbing.

"Squid is a delicious beast!" said Neville. He skipped away, taking the mirror with him, and went off to do pointless things that are not important, as they have nothing to do with anybody's complicated love life. And complicated love lives were practically the only thing that mattered.

* * *

The very next day everyone was sitting in the Great Hall for breakfast. Hagrid had gone into a drunken stupor and was fast asleep, Snape was looking ready to kill someone, and Remus was tragically in tears. In fact, he had been crying so much that he had completely soaked the tablecloth and left a massive puddle on the floor. Remus was not the only one whose love life had taken a bad turn, however.

"Wh-what?" cried a tearful voice, choking on a dramatic sob. "You can't! Did I hear you correctly?"

"I'm terribly sorry, Blaise," said Draco, patting it on the hand. "But you must understand that our relationship is rather difficult with your lack of a gender."

Blaise grabbed a tissue and noisily blew its nose. "But I thought that didn't matter to you!"

"I'm sorry." Draco's eyes shimmered with sympathetic tears.

"But why?" Blaise bawled. "I thought I was everything to you!"

"So did I. But I realized I was wrong."

Blaise clung onto Draco's shirt pathetically. "No! You can't leave me like this!"

"I know I've broken your heart, but we need to get on with our separate lives now." Draco pushed Blaise off of his shirt and got up and sat at the far opposite end of the Slytherin table.

Ron nudged Harry. "Did you hear that Draco's single now?"

"Hmm?" Harry said absently. He was busy passionately kissing Aurelia and clearly wasn't listening to Ron. But then, did anyone ever listen to Ron?

Ron gripped his spoon tightly, seething with anger. Once again he was being shoved to the side as if he was nothing more than a particularly ugly little house-elf. It simply wasn't fair!

Neville struck a couple of body-builder poses and leapt on top of a table with McGonagall's purple megaphone in his hands. "Breaking news, everyone! Draco is indeed single!"

Suddenly, the double doors of the Great Hall flew open with a mystic bang, and someone glided gracefully into the room. Her hair was long and silver with black and purple highlights and her dark eyes contained hints of goldish-yellow. Her shimmering outfit was black with silver and ice blue gems all over it, and her skin was flawless and deathly pale. Everyone stared at the mysterious beautiful girl with their mouths open in surprise and (in the boys' case) drool puddled on the tables.

The girl floated over to the staff table and stood gracefully in front of the teachers. "Who might you be?" Dumbledore demanded.

The girl bowed perfectly. "I am a new student, of course. I have never had any magical education before, but I am an expert at magic." She waved her hand in the air and Hagrid was turned into a giant neon green walrus.

The teachers all clapped. "And without even using a wand!" Professor Flitwick squealed with excitement. "I have never seen anything so amazing! I've been excited out of what little wits I possess!"

"Thank you." The girl bowed again. "My name is Silver-Rose Firesnow Devrianseld. I would like to be Sorted now."

Nobody knew how on earth Silver-Rose knew about the sorting ceremony, but they supposed it was just a part of her remarkable powers. McGonagall brought out the Sorting Hat and set it on Silver-Rose's gorgeous silver/black/purple hair. The hat was silent for a long time, and at last yelled out, "Slytherin!"

Everyone in the Great Hall clapped happily for the stunningly beautiful new student. She smiled perfectly at them all and a couple of boys fainted. Silver-Rose then took off the hat and glided over to the Slytherin table where she sat near Draco, and Draco found that he couldn't keep his eyes off of her. She smiled at him and he felt his pulse quicken rapidly.

Dumbledore stood up. "Well, now that that bit of excitement is taken care of, I have an announcement to make. Our tournament is going to start today! Yes, today! I know it's on ridiculously short notice, but that's just the way things work in this crazy world where nothing makes sense."

Various students clapped and cheered. "Hooray for ridiculously short notices!"

Dumbledore cleared his throat and continued. "In this incredibly special tournament, we will have students try and rescue Hermione Granger from the giant squid!"

At the mention of Hermione, Remus's already tear-filled eyes overflowed with even more tears, and he began to bawl loudly.

At the mention of Hermione, Snape did not feel the anger that he had usually felt towards her for the past two days. In fact, he didn't feel anything at all. He happened to look down the table and his eyes landed on Argus Filch. Argus Filch looked back at him. A smile began on Snape's pale face and it spread at a slow snail's pace, until he was openly grinning at Filch.

Silver-Rose, meanwhile, did not waste any time getting acquainted with Draco. She fluttered her naturally purple eyelashes, leaned over, and kissed him on the mouth. They were soon in a far corner making out passionately.

Blaise stared at the two of them and its eyes filled with tears. "Oh, Draco! Why?"

Draco took his mouth of Silver-Rose's and looked apologetically at Blaise. "I'm sorry! But it has to be this way. Silver-Rose and I are so happy together!"

"And so are Argus and I!" cried Snape, who was happily sitting next to Filch.

"Well Snape sure got over Hermione fast," Ron commented. "What do you think of it, Harry?"

"Did you say something, Ron?" said Harry absently. He was staring avidly at Aurelia, marveling at her beauty and his good fortune of ending up with her.

Ron smacked Harry on the side of the head. "Hello! Pay attention to _me_ for once!"

"That's nice," muttered Harry, not looking at Ron.

"You'll be sorry, Harry," Ron said darkly under his breath. Nobody heard him. Nobody ever did.

Dumbledore stood up and called for everyone's attention. "Urgent news! Listen closely everyone!" Every student strained his or her ears and Dumbledore dropped his voice to a solemn whisper. "The tournament is about to start."


	5. The Messed-Up Tournament

**Chapter Five  
**The Messed-Up Tournament

Every single student and teacher left the castle and headed outside towards the lake where the tournament would take place. A couple of large grayish tentacles could be seen poking up through the water's surface, revealing that the giant squid was apparently ready for the tournament. "I see the squid," Harry said as another tentacle made itself visible, "but where's Hermione?"

Remus threw himself dramatically to the ground and sobbed loudly. "She's gone! Gone!"

Dumbledore stood on top of a platform that had been conjured out of nowhere and clapped his hands for attention. "Welcome everyone, to The Tournament!" There were loud cheers from the students. "The first and only task is to encounter the giant squid and rescue Miss Granger in some form or fashion!" He waved his wand and a stadium suddenly surrounded the lake. "All rright, everyone who is competing can go right ahead into the stadium and kick some tentacle buttocks!"

Several students ran towards the stadium excitedly, though Harry and Neville were both the first ones to reach it. Harry eagerly wrenched open the door, expecting to perform great heroic deeds, and gasped at what he saw inside. A ring of bright orange fire danced around the rim of the stadium, flickering menacingly. Bright, eerie eyes peered out from shadows. Thunder boomed and lightning flashed. On a tall pillar of rock stood a mysterious person who threw back its head and laughed. "Mwahahaha!"

But most shocking of all was the giant squid. It was confined in strong heavy chains and had been placed in a tank filled with dirty water. It gazed sadly and helplessly at Harry and the others.

"What's going on?" Neville cried ferociously. "Is it supposed to be like this?"

"I don't think so," said Harry, confused.

The laughing figure who stood on the pillar of rock spread out his black cape and swooped down to the ground. "You fools! I have taken the giant squid captive and have seized this tournament! Hahaha!"

Harry gasped. Neville gasped. Aurelia gasped. Draco gasped. Silver-Rose gasped. Various other students gasped. Even Aunt Petunia stopped peeling potatoes and gasped.

The person in the black cape who stood laughing in front of them was none other than Ronald Weasley.

"Ron?" Harry cried. "But why?"

"I was sick and tired of being nothing but the ignored sidekick-buddy! And since I wasn't allowed to compete in the tournament, I decided to take control of the tournament so that nobody else could compete either! And the best thing is, everything relating to this tournament is now under my command!" Ron let out another maniacal laugh.

Harry was still confused, however. "Well if the giant squid doesn't have Hermione, then who does? We're supposed to rescue her, after all."

"I have Hermione in my clutches!" cackled Ron. He pointed at something that nobody had noticed before. Hermione was tied up with a rope and was magically levitating over a pit of blue molten lava.

"Why is the molten lava blue?" Draco wanted to know.

Ron laughed yet again in an evil manner. "It is special molten lava that was made with crushed pixies, thus making it ten times more deadly!"

Hermione could be heard screaming hysterically. "Help! This lava will be bad for my complexion! It's already starting to make my hair frizzy! I'm dying!"

"I'll save you, Hermione!" cried Harry heroically.

Aurelia grabbed him and kissed him. "Oh, Harry! You're always such a hero!"

"You can't stop me," said Ron. "The area surrounding Hermione is an invisible force-field of extreme power! The only one who can get past that force-field is someone with the blood of Lord Voldemort!"

"Oh no!" Harry moaned. "Now we'll never save Hermione!"

"YES WE WILL!" shouted a voice. Silver-Rose stepped forward, her silver/purple/black hair flowing mysteriously around her shoulders.

"What could you possibly do?" said Ron with a sneer.

Silver-Rose smiled a perfect gorgeous smile. "I am Silver-Rose Firesnow Devrianseld. I happen to be Voldemort's daughter!"

Ron gasped in shock. "NO! All of my dastardly plans have been foiled!"

Silver-Rose used her amazing flying powers and flew over to Hermione, untied the ropes with her super rope-untying strength, and returned Hermione and herself to safety. Meanwhile Ron was pounding his fists on the ground, moaning and crying. "I was so sure that nothing like this would happen! Why, oh why?"

"Well let's get the hell out of here," Neville ordered aggressively.

Everyone started to walk towards the door of the stadium, but Ron suddenly blocked their path. "I cannot allow you to escape until I have destroyed every single one of you!" he cackled.

"Let them go! I'll fight you!" said Aurelia, walking towards Ron with her wand in her outstretched hand.

Ron smiled. "Very well."

For the next fifteen minutes Ron and Aurelia engaged in an epic battle, though neither of them appeared to gain the upper hand. Growing impatient, Ron pointed his wand at Aurelia, whose protection spells had conveniently worn off just a few seconds ago. "Avada Kedavra!"

There was a flash of green light, and Aurelia hit the ground lifeless. In normal circumstances, Ron would get into serious trouble for using that curse, but in a world where nothing made sense and plot holes were perfectly acceptable, Ron would go unpunished. Oh, the power of plot holes.

"NOOOO!" Harry screamed in anguish, rushing to Aurelia's side. He held onto her beautiful lifeless body and burst into tragic, agonized tears.

Hermione straightened her mini-skirt and anxiously patted her hair to make sure it was all right. "Ron, I can't believe you would kill Harry's girlfriend! You know how much they loved each other!"

Tears of guilt ran down Ron's freckled cheeks, and his black cape slipped off of his shoulders and slid to the ground. He snapped his fingers and the fire, thunder, lightning, and everything else quickly disappeared. "I'm terribly sorry, everyone! I'll behave now!"

Harry lifted up his tearful face and smiled at Ron. "I forgive you, Ron! I will get over Aurelia's death and will find someone new!" Suddenly, something that felt oddly like a kiss collided with his cheek.

"Oh, Harry!" said Silver-Rose. "I think that I desperately love you!"

"But I thought you desperately loved me!" cried Draco.

Silver-Rose sadly shook her head at him. "I never told you that I loved you, dear Draco. All I did was make out with you in the Great Hall."

"Wait till my father hears about this," said Draco, pouting. He grabbed Hermione by the arm (much to her protest) and walked outside. Everyone else immediately followed him.

"Behold!" cried Dumbledore, running towards the group of students. "Draco Malfoy has completed the task and rescued Miss Granger!"

Hermione pulled her arm out of Draco's grasp and glared at him. "He did not!"

Dumbledore, however was congratulating Draco and patting him on the back. "Excellent job, Mr. Malfoy! For being the victor in the tournament, you win... Something!"

A beautiful girl stepped out from behind a hastily conjured curtain and gracefully swept back her brilliant, shining, blonde curls. Her green/purple eyes with rainbow flecks looked out from her pretty face with its white flawless complexion, and she flounced over to Draco. "Hello! My name is Something Summersparkle, but everyone calls me Summy!"

Draco goggled at her as if he were in a trance.

Dumbledore smiled. "Yes, Mr. Malfoy! You have won yourself your very own Mary Sue!"

Summy linked her arm through Draco's and smiled gorgeously up at him. "I'm so glad that the winner ended up being you!" The two of them walked off together to find someplace more private.

"Well that isn't fair!" Harry complained. "I should have won! I'm famous Harry Potter!"

"But then you would have left me for that Summy girl!" said Silver-Rose, kissing him. Harry kissed her back. She may be Voldemort's daughter, but Harry had to admit that she was the best kisser he'd ever encountered.

There was a loud tutting sound from Hermione. "I was supposed to be getting a manicure today and now I'm probably late! Are we ever going to go back to the castle?"

"That's a great idea!" said Dumbledore. And so everyone left the lake and went back into the castle. The giant squid, still chained up, watched them sadly and let out a forlorn sigh. It isn't easy being a giant squid.


	6. Harry's Long-Lost Relation

**Chapter Six  
**Harry's Long-Lost Relation

Everyone was gathered in the Great Hall, as usual, since there wasn't a more creative place for them all to gather. Hermione and Remus had a joyous reunion and were now busily kissing underneath the table, and Harry was in the beautiful company of Silver-Rose. Harry leaned over and try to kiss Silver-Rose on her beautiful, perfect lips, but to his surprise she pushed him away.

"Wait, Harry," said Silver-Rose. "There's something that you should know."

"You're not actually a boy mistaken as a girl at birth, are you?" asked Harry.

"No. It is something much, much worse!" With a flick of her wand, Silver-Rose made her last name "Devrianseld" appear in the air. Using that nifty trick that Voldemort used in Harry's second year, the letters rearranged themselves and formed "Evans Riddle." Silver-Rose threw up her hands in triumph. "Behold! I am Silver-Rose Firesnow Evans-Riddle, the daughter of Lily Evans and Tom Riddle!"

Harry stared at her in shock and seemed incapable of speech. "B-but... But..."

"Oh, Harry, your mother cheated on her husband Peter Pettigrew with a large number of people," Dumbledore informed him. "How else would she have had you?"

"But with _Voldemort_?" Harry cried in disbelief.

"They had developed a rather intimate relationship before he killed her," Dumbledore explained. "But she soon became bored with him and became involved with James Potter. Peter found out that Lily was cheating on him, and so he betrayed her to Voldemort. Voldemort was also furious with Lily for ditching him, and so he killed both her and James."

Harry stared with his mouth wide open, obviously in a state of complete shock.

Dumbledore sighed. "It was time for me to tell you what I should have told you six years ago, Harry. Please sit down. I have told you everything."

Harry continued to look completely stunned. "I never knew," he said softly. "So the real reason my parents died was because of issues concerning their complicated love lives."

"So you see, Harry," said Silver-Rose quietly. "I'm your half-sister, making us related."

Harry fell to his knees in anguish. "NOOOOOO!" he cried in long, drawn-out horror.

"Well that sure was unreasonably dramatic," Ron remarked.

Harry slowly got to his feet and pointed a shaking finger at Silver-Rose. "Since she's my sister, I no longer have a relationship with anyone!" Tears started to pour down his face. "Oh, Aurelia! Why can't I have you back?"

"Relax, Harry," said Ron. "Since she bravely sacrificed herself and is desperately missed by her lover, she will surely come back in some unrealistic way unrealistically!"

Harry miserably slumped to the floor and began to cry harder.

"Don't cry, Harry! Be happy!" said a voice. Draco Malfoy emerged with a box of chocolate frogs in one hand and some roses in the other. "It's time to feel better!" He held the chocolate and flowers out to Harry, who reluctantly took them.

"Malfoy, what are you doing?"

"It's okay, Harry." Draco produced a large tissue from his pocket and dried the tears from Harry's face. "I'm here to heal your sadness!"

Harry and Ron both gaped at Draco in horror. "Malfoy, are you sick or something?" Ron asked.

"No!" said Draco perkily. "I feel absolutely happy and wonderful and I want to do nothing but good deeds! Ever since I met Summy, she made me see that there really is some good in me!" He grinned widely at them and his teeth positively sparkled.

Summy skipped over to Draco and put her arms around him. "Oh, Draco! I'm so glad to see that the good in you has been unleashed and brought out into the light! I always knew the good was in you somewhere!"

"I am absolutely sickened," Ron moaned, grabbing a bucket in case he lost his lunch.

Draco patted Harry on the shoulder. "I hope you feel all better soon, Harry!" He took Summy by the hand and the two of them skipped away.

Harry got to his feet. "I don't think Malfoy made me better, he only made me worse!" He made a face and tossed aside the chocolate frogs and the roses. "The day that Malfoy turns nice is the day that everything has truly gone insane!"

"Actually, the world has been truly insane this whole year," Ron informed him. "That sort of things always happens when we're forced to make do with a practically non-existent plot."

"Yes, you're right."

Ron looked around the Great Hall. "Do you think we should ask Hermione to come along with us as we wander aimlessly through the castle? She hasn't really been hanging out with us much lately."

Harry scowled. "It's all because of stupid Professor Lupin."

Ron grinned as a brilliant idea formed in his red head. "I know what we can do, Harry! Let's break them up! Then Hermione can spend time with us!"

"Great idea!" said Harry. "But the problem is that they're so absorbed in each other. We'll have to distract Professor Lupin from Hermione."

"I never thought of that. Now what do we do?"

"I can help you!" said a feminine voice. A young woman slid into the great hall. She had long brown hair that sparkled with tiny stars. Her eyes were blue/navy/turquoise/cerulean/cobalt/sapphire and her lips were bright red and perfectly formed. She shook out her lovely hair and said, "I'm a new teacher here. My name is Lavendella Midnightshine."

"Um, hello... Professor Midnightshine," said Harry, who couldn't help staring at her beauty.

"Please call me Lavendella. I heard that you need some assistance in your plan to break up your best friend and your teacher. I can help you there."

"Great!" said Ron. "They're over there." He pointed at a corner where Hermione and Remus were still passionately kissing, unaware of anyone else.

Lavendella glided over to Hermione and Remus and cleared her throat melodiously. Remus broke away from Hermione to gaze at her and Lavendella smiled at him perfectly. "Hello, I'm Professor Lavendella Midnightshine. I'm new here and I have no idea what to do!" She giggled. "I need someone to show me around."

"I'll gladly do that!" said Remus enthusiastically. He shoved Hermione away, grabbed Lavendella by the hand, and walked away with her.

Hermione looked as if she had been slapped in the face. "Wh-what just happened? Did I just get ditched?" She hastily whipped out a mirror and inspected her dazzling appearance. "What's wrong with me?"

"Nothing's wrong with you, Hermione," Harry assured her. "He just found someone that he decided he wanted more."

Hermione clenched her hands into angry fists. "How shallow of him! Our relationship is so over!" She ran her nail-polished fingers through her straight perfect hair, puffed out her chest, and sighed dramatically.

"It's okay, Hermione," said Harry. "We'll find you a _new boyfriend_." He looked at her hopefully. "This is especially convenient, since I also _no longer have a girlfriend_." She didn't seem to take the hint and Harry sighed dramatically.

"I think I'm the only sane person at the moment," said Ron. He sighed dramatically.

Meanwhile, Dudley Dursley was sitting on his living room couch stuffing his face and watching television, when a letter came sailing in through the open window and hit him in the face. "Ouchies!" Dudley yelped. He opened up the letter, spent several minutes puzzling over the hard words, and saw that it said:

_Dear Mr. Dudley Dursley,_

_We are pleased to inform you that you are actually indeed a wizard. You never thought it possible, did you? Neither did we. However, we are not lying, and this is not an April Fool's joke (at least we hope). You have been accepted at Durmstrang Institute. Term starts tomorrow morning, since Durmstrang runs on a strange, ridiculous schedule. Have a nice year!_

_Yours sincerely,  
Professor E. Ville, Headmaster_

Dudley fell over in a faint, the letter dropping out of his hand. Dudley Dursley? A wizard? Nobody had ever thought that possible. But apparently it was.


	7. Attack of the Cross-overs

_Note: _Keep in mind that I originally wrote this in 2004/2005, back when _Napoleon Dynamite _was ridiculously popular. I apologize for the crossovers in this chapter! Also, I don't own any of the characters from _Napoleon Dynamite _or _Lord of the Rings._

* * *

**Chapter Seven  
**Attack of the Cross-overs

Harry, Ron, and Hermione went out into the hallway. Draco and Summy were in each other's arms making out, Remus and Lavendella were in each other arms making out, and Dumbledore was in nobody's arms making out with himself.

"So, what do you want to do?" Harry asked.

"Well, since we never go to class, there aren't many options," Ron replied.

Hermione adjusted her high heel shoes and swept a hairbrush through her dazzling hair. "Hey, do you two hear anything?" Harry and Ron strained their ears.

There was suddenly an odd popping noise, and a very tall boy with glasses and a blondish afro appeared in the hall. He had some sort of metal contraption on his head. He removed the contraption and flung it away. "Ugh! Stupid time machine doesn't work!"

Harry, Ron, and Hermione stared at him. "Um... who are you?" Hermione asked.

The boy looked at them with a bored, half-asleep expression on his face. "Napoleon Dynamite." He looked around at his surroundings. "Where am I?"

"Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry," Harry replied.

"Okay." There was a pause. "So are you guys like wizards with all the sweet hookups?"

Neither of them knew how to reply to this. Whoever he was and however he got there, this Napoleon person sure seemed strange. Ron spoke up. "Um, yeah. We're wizards."

Napoleon nodded, not at all shocked at the fact that wizards existed. "So you guys must be part of the Nessie Alliance! Do you know where Sir Curt Godfrey is?"

The trio exchanged confused glances. "Sir who?"

"Idiots! Sir Curt Godfrey of the Nessie Alliance, gosh! What do you think?" Napoleon paused to adjust his glasses. "So, have you stopped those Japanese scientists or whatever? I can be your non-magical warrior. I know some sweet illegal ninja moves from the government."

Hermione inspected her nails. "I'm sorry, but we have no idea what you're talking about."

"That's too bad." Napoleon looked at his watch. "Dang! I'm gonna be late for my FFA meeting! How do I get out of here?"

"You can't!" spoke up Blaise Zabini, who happened to know nearly everything. "You cannot Disapparate on the Hogwarts grounds."

"Okay," said Napoleon simply. He looked at Harry. "So you guys must have all sorts of sweet mythical creatures. Do you have any ligers?"

"Any what?" said Harry.

"A liger! _Gosh!_ It's pretty much my favorite animal."

"Um... no. I've never heard of a liger. You should ask Hagrid. He's our Care of Magical Creatures teacher." Harry walked Napoleon over to a nearby window and pointed to where Hagrid's hut was located. "Just knock on the door, he won't mind."

"All right. See ya." Napoleon quickly ran off in that odd way that he runs and disappeared outside. Harry, Ron, and Hermione breathed sighs of relief.

"Who was that weirdo anyway?" Ron asked.

"He said his name was Napoleon Dynamite," Harry reminded him. "I wonder how he got here."

"I don't know, but his fashion sense is absolutely horrible!" said Hermione. "Who in their mind would wear those moonboots with those glasses? And that afro!" She shuddered. "I really should lend him some of my hair products."

Harry, Ron, and Hermione left the hallway and went into the Gryffindor common room. They weren't entirely sure what on earth they were going to do, but the common room seemed like a good place to go.

Ron tapped Harry on the shoulder. "You're It!"

Harry tapped him back. "You're It!"

Ron tapped him again. "You're It!"

Harry tapped him back again. "You're It!"

"Stop that!" scolded Hermione. "I'm trying to concentrate." She held a hand-mirror in front of her face and was delicately applying mascara.

Without warning, there was a loud thumping sound that sounded like several bodies hitting the ground at once. Harry, Ron, and Hermione jumped in their seats and looked at the source of the sound.

In a tangled heap in the fireplace (which thankfully was not lit) was a wizard in white robes with a white staff, a little short man with dark curly hair, a tall man with long blonde hair, and a skinny creature with wide pale eyes and sharp teeth.

Everyone in the common room cried out in alarm. Who were these strangers?

The blonde man stood up and brushed himself off. "Ugh, I'll never get this dirt out of my beautiful clothes! Gandalf, I told you not to take that left turn! But did you listen?"

"Be quiet, Legolas," snapped the wizard whose name was apparently Gandalf. He stood up and looked around. "What new devilry is this?"

"Gandalf, I'm scared," cried the short man, a hobbit of the Shire named Frodo Baggins. He gazed around with frightened blue eyes. "Where are we? Who are all these scary people?"

"Smeagol hates nasty wizardses!" growled the creature Gollum, glaring at the Gryffindor students. "Curse them, curse them all!"

Legolas swept back his golden hair. "We're in a castle!" he proudly announced. "And we're lost!"

"Thank you for informing us of the obvious, Legolas," said Gandalf bitterly. He looked around the room, wondering why nobody seemed to be reacting.

The Gryffindors were actually in a state of complete shock and were unable to do anything besides stare at the four strangers in silence. After about five minutes had passed, they gradually came back to their senses.

Neville, being bold and heroic, went up to Gandalf. "Hello! I'm Neville Longbottom! Who are you?" Gandalf introduced himself and his three companions.

"How did you get here?" Harry wanted to know.

Gandalf scratched his head. "I really don't know. Legolas and I got separated from our group, and the next thing I knew I was swirling through a mysterious vortex and ended up here."

"The same thing happened to Smeagol and I!" said Frodo excitedly. "Where are we anyway?"

"Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry," Colin Creevey replied.

Gandalf furrowed his bushy eyebrows and stared at them all oddly. "Wizards? I never heard tell of any wizards besides the five Istari."

"The five what?" said Hermione. "Istari? Is that a makeup company?"

"Er... no," said Gandalf. "Never mind. We have to get out of here."

"You won't be able to leave!" said Blaise Zabini, who had obtained the Gryffindor passwords with its mind reading abilities. "You can't just vanish from Hogwarts! Actually, you can't just appear in Hogwarts either! There are so many blatant plot holes in this crazy universe!" It ran away, muttering to itself.

"Was that a boy or a girl?" Frodo wanted to know.

Gollum latched himself onto Frodo's ankle. "Nassssty little genderless student! We hates it!"

"This is all very confusing," said Harry. "We've got a crazy boy running around outside in search of nonexistent mythical creatures, and four strange looking people standing around in our common room! What in the world is happening?"

"I don't know," said Legolas, "but all of this confusion is bad for my hair."

Hermione leapt to her feet excitedly. "Ooh, me too!"

"Really?" Legolas inspected his hair. "My hair means more to me than life itself!"

"Wow, we have so much in common!" Hermione squealed. She then went off on a long description of what shampoo she used and how many times a day she showered and where she bought her clothes and what kind of makeup she used.

"Hermione, would you go and talk about that girly stuff somewhere else?" Ron begged.

"Okay! Come on, Legolas! We can share beauty tips!" Hermione dragged Legolas away into a conveniently placed room that stood off to the side.

Harry was thinking to himself. "You know... I wonder what exactly that crazy Napoleon guy is up to..."

Napoleon was outside with Hagrid, being shown various creatures. Hagrid pointed at a herd of unicorns that stood in the distance. "Sweet!" said Napoleon, impressed.

Hagrid grinned. "Wanna see my hippogriffs?"

"Heck yes I do!"

Hagrid brought Napoleon over to the hippogriff paddock, where two of the creatures stood around devouring small animals. "Do the hippogriffs have large talons?" Napoleon wanted to know.

"Yes!" said Draco, who happened to be lurking around. He pushed up the sleeve of his robes. "Want to see my hippogriff attack scar?"

"Hey, get outta here!" roared Hagrid. He turned on his garden hose and sprayed it at Draco. Draco squealed and ran off.

"So," said Napoleon, "do you have any ligers?"

Hagrid stared at him. "Any what?"

"Ligers. It's like a lion and a tiger mixed. Bred for its skills in magic."

"Um... no. No ligers."

Napoleon swung his head to the side. "Dang!" He stood there and said nothing for a few seconds. "Well, I guess I should go back to the castle and get started on my friend Pedro's campaign. If he has wizards on his side, then he'll be sure to win." He looked at Hagrid, and then without a single word, he ran off.


	8. Vote For Pedro!

**Chapter Eight**  
Vote For Pedro!

"Vote for Pedro," said a bored voice in the hallway. "Vote for Pedro."

"Vote for who?" said Harry, staring at Napoleon in confusion. Napoleon handed him a green and blue keychain and a flier that said _Vote For Pedro Sanchez_ on it. "For Pedro, of course! Gosh!"

"Why should I vote for someone I don't even know?" Harry asked.

Napoleon paused a few seconds before speaking. "He'll make all of your wildest dreams come true."

"Really?" Harry's green eyes suddenly sparkled and they shined with tears. He held the keychain close to his chest. "Oh, Pedro! If only you could bring Aurelia back!"

"So are you voting?" Napoleon asked.

"Yes!" Harry cried. "Yes! YES!" He grabbed a handful of fliers and threw them around the hall. "VOTE FOR PEDRO, EVERYBODY!"

Every student in the hall stared at him. Ron came running up and stood at Harry's side. "Harry, have you gone insane? What are you talking about?"

Napoleon thrust a flier and a maroon keychain into Ron's hands. "Vote for Pedro."

Ron looked at the keychain in disgust. "I hate maroon!"

"Here, I'll trade you!" said Harry. He took the maroon keychain and handed Ron his green and blue one. "You have to vote for this Pedro guy, Ron! He's some sort of miracle worker and he'll make all of our wildest dreams come true!"

"He will?" Ron's voice had gone high and squeaky and his eyes became wide and sparkling as he thought of his wildest dreams with longing. "Then I'll vote!"

"Yessss," said Napoleon.

Harry and Ron took some of Napoleon's fliers and keychains and started passing them out to students. "If you want all your wildest dreams to come true, vote for Pedro!"

"What a flippin' sweet slogan," murmured Napoleon. "That's awesome... Incredible..."

"Vote for Pedro!"

Hermione felt a piece of paper and a strange object being thrust into her hand. "Vote for Pedro? What?"

"Who's Pedro?" Legolas asked. He and Hermione had spent their whole day exchanging beauty tips and he now smelled like every single shampoo ever created. It was actually quite overwhelming, and several students gagged as they walked past him.

Napoleon walked over to them. "Are you guys having a killer time?"

Hermione and Legolas stared back at him.

"_Gosh!_" said Napoleon. He was about to leave but suddenly happened to notice Legolas and his appearance. He gaped at the elf. "Whoa! You look like a medieval warrior!"

Poor Legolas didn't know how to reply to this. "Um... well..."

"So where did you get your costume?" Napoleon wanted to know. "I tried to look for one at the thrift store but they didn't have what I wanted."

Legolas was now horribly confused. "Costume?"

Hermione tutted impatiently. "Let's not waste our time with this loser. Come on, Legolas, we're going to the salon in the Prefect bathroom." She took the elf by the arm and walked away.

While Napoleon continued to recruit voters, Harry and Ron were having an unpleasant encounter with Gollum. The twisted little creature seemed to be searching for something he called his "precious."

He slunk around the Great Hall, sniffing at goblets and students' shoes. "Precious calls to us! We will finds it!" He crawled onto Snape's lap and pawed through the potions master's pockets. "Where is it? Where isss it?"

Ron grabbed Gollum and Harry put the Leg-Locker curse on the creature. Gollum wailed pathetically. "Smeagol just wants his precious! Why does nasty cruel wizardses hurt Smeagol?"

At the sound of Gollum's voice, Frodo and Gandalf burst into the Great Hall. "Smeagol!" cried Frodo, throwing himself at Gollum. "There you are, Smeagol! What have they done to your legs?"

"Um... sorry about that," muttered Harry. He waved his wand and removed the Leg-Locker curse.

"We really must leave this place," said Gandalf urgently. "Find that fool of an elf and bring him here!"

"Who's a fool of an elf?" asked Legolas, who had conveniently skipped into the Great Hall with Hermione. "I don't want to leave yet! They offer great makeovers at this place!"

Gandalf grabbed Legolas by the wrist and pulled him over. "We are leaving, like it or not! Now let's all hold hands!"

Frodo held Gollum's wrist in one hand and his other hand was grabbed by Gandalf. Legolas sulkily put his hand into Gandalf's free one. There came a mysterious whooshing noise, and then with a POP! they were gone.

"Hey, they can't do that!" argued Dumbledore.

"Yes they can!" Harry told him. "Thanks to the lack of logic and urgent need to get of rid of those four, anything can be possible!"

Hermione stomped her foot on the floor. "But I was going to show him my lipstick collection!"

"Why are we all in the Great Hall anyway?" asked Draco, who had just been passionately kissing Summy.

"Because it's lunchtime!" Ron announced. He, Harry, and Hermione took seats at the Gryffindor table, and food began to magically appear on their plates.

The door burst open, and Napoleon walked in with several keychains tucked into his pants and a stack of fliers in his hands. "Vote for Pedro!" He looked around and saw everyone eating. "I'm freakin' starving! I didn't get to eat anything today!" He went over to the Gryffindor table and sat down next to Harry.

Harry sighed. "Hello, Napoleon."

"Hey," said Napoleon. "How's it going?" He looked at Harry's plates and saw that it was filled with tater tots. "Are you going to eat your tots?"

"Yes," said Harry.

"Dang!" Napoleon turned to Ron. "Hey, are you going to eat your tots?"

"No," said Ron. "I hate potato products with a dark, fiery passion!" He handed his tater tots to Napoleon, who tucked them into his pocket.

"Whatever happened to that blonde guy in the flippin' awesome medieval warrior costume?" asked Napoleon.

"He left," said Hermione sulkily. She then spotted Neville, decided that he looked appetizing, and immediately started kissing him.

Harry sighed. "Why does Hermione always have to do that?"

Seeing the disgruntled look on Harry's face, Draco rushed over and enveloped him in a giant hug. "Cheer up, Harry! Draco the Kind shall save you!"

"And I am his partner in kindness!" squealed Summy. She ran over and gave Napoleon a hug. "Summy the Compassionate will aid all!"

"Summy?" said Napoleon. "Are you like Summer Wheatley's alter ego or something? I'm not voting for her, you know."

Summy stared at him with a puzzled look on his face. "What are you talking about?"

"Never mind. Gosh!"

"Speaking of voting," said Harry, "is your friend Pedro ever going to make my dreams come true?"

"Heck yes! What do you think?" said Napoleon. He stood on top of a table and lifted his face up to the ceiling. "I call upon Pedro Sanchez! Pedro, do you read me?"

"What?" said a Mexican sounding voice.

"How's it going, Pedro? I need you to make someone's dreams come true."

"I ride my bike," said the voice of Pedro. "It's a Sledgehammer."

"Can you still me hear me, Pedro?"

"I am no longer Pedro Sanchez," boomed the voice of Pedro. "I am now... The Pedro!"

"Okay, The Pedro," said Napoleon. "I need you to help my friend." He grabbed Harry and made him stand next to him on the tabletop. "Now, The Pedro, you have to make his dreams come true or whatever. Just listen to his heart, that's what I do."

"Okay," said The Pedro. There was silence for about five minutes. Harry shifted around uneasily. The Pedro suddenly spoke again. "He has one wild dream for me to grant. A good dairy cow should have like four."

"What?" said Harry. This Pedro guy seemed like a joke. "So what are you going to do?"

"I dunno. Build her a cake or something," said The Pedro.

"You can't make Aurelia a cake!" yelled Harry. "She's dead! You're supposed to bring her back to life!"

"Oh. Well why didn't you say so? Okay. If you vote for me, I will make all of your wildest dreams come true." There was another several minutes of silence from The Pedro.

Suddenly, a light breeze picked up in the Great Hall, even though they were indoors and all of the windows were tightly shut. There was a blinding flash of pink light, and Aurelia stood beautifully in the middle of the room, looking as alive and well as everyone else.

Harry jumped off of the table. "Aurelia!"

Aurelia let out a delighted squeal. "Harry!"

"Aurelia!"

"Harry!"

Harry ran at top speed and threw himself at Aurelia, who put her arms around him. The two of them began to passionately kiss. "Gross!" muttered Napoleon.

"You see, Harry?" said Ron. "I told you that the beautiful girl who heroically sacrifices herself in the name of good will always return in some bizarre and unrealistic way so that she can go back to kissing the hero."

Harry did not reply, being busy making out with Aurelia.

"I got to go," Napoleon announced. "I'm supposed to feed Tina, and Grandma will flip out on me if I don't. Let's go, The Pedro." There was a magical popping sound, and Napoleon and the voice of The Pedro were gone.


	9. Travelers From the Past

**Chapter Nine**  
Travelers From the Past

"Harry?" said Ron. Harry didn't answer, as his mouth was_ still_ glued to Aurelia's. Ron sighed. "Hermione?" Hermione did not answer either, as she had randomly decided to passionately make out with Neville. "This is ridiculous," Ron muttered. He grabbed Harry by the shoulders and wrenched him off of Aurelia.

"Ron!" cried Harry. "What in the name of Merlin's mustache are you doing?"

"Harry, I know she came back from the dead and everything, but you don't need to spend every second of the day kissing her!"

"Oh, Harry!" said Aurelia.

"Oh, Aurelia!" said Harry.

"Oh, _please_!" said Ron. He smacked Harry upside the head. "Give _me_ some attention for a change! Everything is so boring when we don't go to classes or anything. All everyone does is make out with their boyfriend or girlfriend, go to the Great Hall and eat, and then make out with their boyfriend or girlfriend again."

"You have a point," said Harry. "Actually, I kind of wish that something interesting would happen."

The doors opened and Silver-Rose suddenly glided in. "Since I haven't been mentioned for a while, I decided to make an appearance!" She smiled at Harry. "How is my favorite half-brother?"

"Okay, I guess," muttered Harry.

Silver-Rose twirled a strand of purple/silver/black hair around her finger. "Everything is so dull. I'm sure my father could liven things up!"

"No, Silver-Rose!" yelled Harry. "Not your father! Don't you understand that he's Voldemort and he'll kill us all?"

"Yes," said Silver-Rose. She smiled a beautiful, dazzling, white smile. "Honestly, Harry, you're so ignorant sometimes! Don't you know that the daughter of Voldemort is supposed to eventually succumb to her father's allegiance?" She snapped her fingers and a swirling black cloud appeared. A pair of long thin legs came out of the cloud, and then a torso and a pair of arms, and finally the head of Lord Voldemort. He was dressed in all black and was covered in a thick black cloak that was pulled up over his head.

Silver-Rose ran over and hugged him. "Daddy!"

Voldemort shoved her away. "Who are you?"

"I'm your daughter, Silver-Rose Firesnow Evans-Riddle! The daughter of you and Lily Evans! Don't you remember?"

Voldemort closed his eyes and searched through his memories. A slow smile spread across his face. "Oh, yeah, Lily Evans... I remember now..." He looked at his surroundings. "What am I doing here in Hogwarts?"

"I summoned you so you could get rid of the boredom," Silver-Rose explained. "Can you do it, Father?"

He shrugged. "I dunno. Hey, wait! Is that Harry Potter?"

Harry started to shake with fear. "Y-yes."

"I thought so. Come closer, boy," said Voldemort. Harry curled up into a ball, too frightened to move. "I said come closer!" Aurelia helped Harry up and walked him over, and Voldemort beckoned deviously. "Closer still." Harry took a few steps nearer. "That's it." At last Voldemort bent down and peered into Harry's face. "Well, well, well..."

Harry's voice had taken on a terrified, high-pitched tone, sounding even squeakier than a frightened Ron. "Wh-what are you going to do to me?"

Voldemort continued to gaze at him. "Harry... has anyone ever told you that..."

"Y-yes?"

"...that you have... your mother's eyes?"

Harry stared blankly at him. "What?"

A dreamy look settled over Voldemort's face. "They look just like Lily's. Oh, my darling Lily! I might have actually married her if she wasn't already married to Peter Pettigrew."

Harry jumped about three feet in the air. "What? Are you crazy?"

"I'm dead serious, Harry. Just imagine! If certain things hadn't happened, you could be my step-son or something!" Voldemort grinned widely at Harry. "Wouldn't I be a great daddy to you?"

"No way! You tried to kill me several times!"

"Ah yes, I need to explain to you about that. The truth is, you look so much like that awful James who stole my Lily's heart! Every time I saw you I thought it was him. I couldn't control myself and tried to kill you before telling myself it wasn't James." Voldemort's eyes swam with tears. "Can you forgive me, Harry?"

Harry whipped out his wand. "Never, you twisted psycho! I bet this is all a trap!"

Voldemort choked on a sob. "You have no idea how you've hurt me, Harry. I've always thought of you as the son I never had a chance to have, and this is how you treat me?"

"You're evil!" spat Harry, glaring angrily at him.

"Oh, I was never really that evil. Back when I was at Hogwarts I was a good boy."

With a poof and a whooshing sound, sixteen-year-old Tom Riddle suddenly appeared, Ginny in his arms. "I have returned after all this time of not being mentioned! In your face, Draco Malfoy! I stole your girlfriend!"

Draco took his lips off of Summy's. "What are you talking about? Summy is right here, with me!"

"What in the name of Merlin's tiara?" said Tom, confused. "Wow, I sure missed out on a lot while I was busy not being here. Oh well!" He grabbed Ginny and passionately kissed her.

Voldemort stared at his sixteen-year-old self. "What on earth am I doing here?"

Tom looked at Voldemort. "Who are you?"

"I'm you! In the future!"

"NO!" Tom cried, stricken with dread. "It cannot be!"

Ginny suddenly jumped out of Tom's arms. "You know, Tom, I'm actually getting sick of you. I am now filled with deep, dramatic, life-scarring angst!" She grabbed a knife from out of nowhere and was about to send it straight through her tragic chest.

"No, Ginny!" cried Harry dramatically. He grabbed the knife and flung it away.

"Harry! My rescuer!" cried Ginny. "I think I desperately love you again!" She grabbed him and they began passionately kissing.

Aurelia gasped with surprise. "Harry? Harry, what are you doing?"

"That boy sure does kiss the ladies a lot," commented Voldemort. He gave his daughter Silver-Rose a hug. "I think I should leave now, my dearest daughter. This place is way too boring due to the incredibly thin plot. Goodbye!" He dove back into the swirling black cloud and was gone.

Tom snapped his fingers and disappeared into a random book.

"Well that was all very weird," said Ron.

Aurelia started to cry. "Harry is my soul-mate! He would never abandon me!" She went over to Harry and pulled him off Ginny. "Harry! Harry, my dear! Come back to your senses!"

"Huh?" said Harry dizzily. "Oh, Aurelia! I'm sorry. I was caught up in the passion of the moment and didn't know what I was doing!" He kissed her, and she kissed him back.

"Now what do _I_ do?" Ginny complained. "I ditched Tom, and now I've lost Harry!"

"Never fear, Ginny, I will be your lover," said Blaise Zabini. "I now have the ability to control my gender! Sometimes I can be a boy and sometimes I can be a girl, but I'll be a boy for your sake." He grabbed Ginny and passionately kissed her.

Suddenly Hermione appeared, her high heels clicking on the floor. "The biggest, cruelest, most tragic crisis has struck me!" she announced with much horror.

Everyone looked at her in alarm. "What is it?"

"I've run out of shampoo!" Hermione wailed. "I need to go buy some fast!"

Luckily for Hermione, McGonagall decided that it was one of those days in which the students could visit Hogsmeade, and no permission slips whatsoever were necessary. Hermione pumped her fist into the air with glee, for her life had been saved! Everyone's favorite Muggle-born skipped out of Hogwarts and immediately headed to Hogsmeade, followed by Ron, Harry, Aurelia, Ginny, Blaise, Draco, Summy, and pretty much everybody else.

"Hurry, everyone!" said Hermione frantically. "I'm going through shampoo withdrawal and it's driving me crazy!"

Hermione put on an extra burst of speed, urging the others to go faster, but suddenly Harry stopped in his tracks. "The fingernail of my left thumb is prickling!" he announced. "That's what happens when I can sense something mysterious and foreboding!" Suddenly, a portal opened up right in the very air itself and let off a blinding yellow light. Harry and the others were just barely able to see that four figures had leapt out of the portal. Moments later the blinding light vanished, the portal closed up, and everyone gasped.

Standing right there in front of them were sixteen-year-old James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew.

"I'm confused," said Ron. "What just happened?"

"Well they obviously traveled through time and ended up here!" said Blaise, who was all-knowing.

"Wasn't I just in the bathroom trying to blow up a toilet?" James said. "How did I end up in this hallway?"

"I don't know," said Sirius with a shrug. "Hadn't I just got past the enchanted stairs and was peeking in the girls dormitories as—" He blushed. "Er... never mind. You didn't hear that."

Hermione sauntered up to Sirius and put an arm around his shoulder. "Wow! You're incredibly hot!"

"Who in the name of Merlin's eyebrows are you?" asked Sirius.

"Granger. Hermione Granger," she purred. "And you must be Sirius Black."

"How would you know that?" asked Remus.

Hermione looked at him rather coldly. "I just do, Mr. Shallow Girlfriend-Ditcher!"

Poor Remus was even more confused than the time he caught Severus Snape actually taking a shower. "What did you just call me? Do I know you or something?"

Harry spoke up. "You guys have apparently traveled through time. This is the future!"

"By the beard of Dumbledore!" cried Sirius, gaping at Harry in disbelief. "James has an evil twin!"

"No," said Harry patiently. "I'm Harry. James' son."

"Son?" said James. "Who's the mother?" He smirked and went over the possibilities in his head. "I hope it's Lily Evans."

"Actually, it _is_ Lily Evans," said Harry, feeling rather awkward. "Er, we were on our way to Hogsmeade. You can come along!"

Aurelia clapped her beautiful hands and POOF! They were all standing right in the middle of a street in Hogsmeade, due to one of Aurelia's mysterious hidden powers. Blaise decided that he and Ginny had some serious kissing to do, so he whisked her off to a quiet clump of bushes. Summy tugged upon Draco's arm and gazed at him adoringly.

"Come along, Draco!" said Summy. "Let's go skip through the trees, make some daisy chains, and tell everybody about peace and harmony!"

"Great idea!" Draco took her by the hand and the two of them skipped away singing.

"Have Draco and Summy become hippies or something?" Ron wondered. Nobody answered him, and Ron sighed. "I always get ignored..."

"I understand how you feel," said Peter.

"I'm sure you do," Ron muttered darkly. "You slept in my bed for three years."

"What?" yelped Peter. "But I would never— I'm not like that! I—"

Sirius began to laugh uncontrollably. "Oh my Merlin! In the future does Wormtail really… _you know_?"

"Ugh!" said Ron, revolted. "No! That's not what I meant!"

"Are we going to just stand here in the middle of the road this whole entire time?" Harry wanted to know.

Hermione shrieked aloud with panic. "Oh my god! I have to get that shampoo or else I'll die!" She ran into a nearby shop and disappeared for a few minutes, then dashed back outside with a parcel clutched in her hands. "I've got it!" she panted. "My life has been saved!"

"Good," said Ron. "Now let's get a move-on."

They all went to the Three Broomsticks, where they sat at a large table sipping butterbeers. Hermione seemed unable to make up her mind on which Marauder she wanted. She would stare at Sirius, then move on to James, then focus her attention on Remus, fluttering her eyelashes all the while. James and Sirius certainly weren't ignoring her, but Remus drank his butterbeer absently and seemed unaware that Hermione was even at the table.

Suddenly Hermione squirmed over to Remus, completely invading his personal space, and took a long sip from his butterbeer. "You know, I think I've forgiven your future self. You may be shallow in the future, but in the past you were pretty sexy!" She leaned in and pressed their lips together.

Remus didn't know how to react, so he simply sat there and allowed Hermione to passionately kiss him.

Sirius and James sat up straight in their seats, their faces pale. "_Lucky!_"

Harry tapped Hermione on the shoulder. "Er... Hermione?"

"Hmm?"

"Hermione, you know you can't have a relationship with someone from the past! He's going to have to go back to his own time eventually!"

"I don't care."

Harry sat back and sighed. "Oh, Harry!" said Aurelia. "I haven't kissed you in approximately twenty seconds!" She leaned over and kissed him with her perfect lips and they were soon in a corner making out intensely.

"Well that isn't fair!" James complained. "Why don't I get a girl?"

The door of the Three Broomsticks suddenly glided open with a whoosh, and someone entered gracefully and made her way over to the table. Her hair seemed to be multi-colored, a blend of blonde, brown, red, and black. Her eyes were purple/orange and were framed in thick gold/silver eyelashes. She was breathtakingly beautiful. "Hello. I'm Emerald Whisperwand."

James' eyes were wide and his mouth was hanging open. He tried not to think any impure thoughts about such a perfect girl, but found it difficult. "H-hi."

She glided over to James and took him by the hand. "I can be your gorgeous love interest who tragically pines away and dies when you have to leave to go back to your own time!"

James grinned. "I like the sound of that!" He got up from his seat and the two of them went off together.

Sirius was furious. "What? James gets a beautiful girl, but I don't!"

"Of course you do, Sirius," said a voice. Another lovely girl had emerged out of nowhere. Her hair was a vibrant, glossy, lustrous, sleek, shimmering, glistening, radiant, gleaming black, and her eyes were golden with hints of orange and green. She was just as beautiful as Emerald and smiled a ravishing smile at Sirius. "I'm Vivia Sparklestorm." She kissed Sirius on the mouth and drew him away into a corner.

Ron sighed dramatically. "I never get to have a girl."

"Join the club," muttered Peter.


	10. New and Improved Super Harry

**Chapter Ten  
**New and Improved Super Harry

A couple of hours passed in which everyone was still in the Three Broomsticks, passionately kissing. All except for Ron and Peter, of course, since no convenient Mary Sues had appeared to sweep them away. They could always just kiss each other... Or not.

Peter idly picked at the loose splinters on his chair. "I'm bored."

Ron heaved a depressed sigh. "Me too. I want to leave." He tapped Harry on the shoulder and his friend reluctantly broke away from Aurelia. "Do you think we could leave? Peter and I are bored."

"But we're all having such a great time!" cried Harry. "I'm with Aurelia, Hermione is with Remus, and— Wait, where did James and Sirius go?"

"A couple of stunningly beautiful girls appeared out of nowhere. I'm sure the four of them are around here somewhere," Ron answered. "I wonder what they're doing."

"Do we _want_ to know what they're doing?" said Peter.

Ron made a face. "You're right."

"Harry?" said Aurelia. "My lips have been inactive for almost a minute now! They can't handle such inactivity!"

"There will be plenty of other times to kiss," Harry promised her. "Ron and Peter want to leave, so I guess we'll have to listen to the crybabies."

"Crybabies?" echoed Ron, his voice going high-pitched and squeaky. He clamped a hand over his mouth. "Stupid squeaky voice..."

"Crybabies?" echoed Peter with a sniffle. Tears sprang to his beady little eyes. "Y-you're mean!"

Harry tapped Remus on the shoulder. "Let's go outside and find a shop to browse through. We can go to Honeyduke's and trick Peter into eating cockroach clusters!" He kept his voice down low so that Peter couldn't hear him. The little rat was too busy sobbing to hear anything anyway.

Remus took his lips off of Hermione's. "Okay. Where are Sirius and James?"

Harry and Remus both stood up and pushed in their chairs, ready to search for their missing friends. They hadn't walked ten feet, however, when Sirius suddenly showed up looking rather sad. "Vivia Sparklestorm suddenly dropped dead when I told her that I was from the past and I couldn't take her with me."

"That's too bad," said Harry, unable to keep the relief out of his voice. "Where's James?"

The girl named Emerald Whisperwand suddenly huffed out of a room looking angry about something. She was muttering to herself under her breath.

"What's wrong with her?" Remus asked.

"James told her that she was going to be his back-up girlfriend in case Lily turned him down," Sirius answered. "Emerald wasn't too happy about that."

A few seconds later, James appeared. "Emerald? Come on, you should feel honored to be a possible back-up girlfriend for me!" Emerald had disappeared, however.

"We're leaving," Harry told him and Sirius. "We all decided that now would be good time to advance the pathetic excuse for a plot!"

Everyone then left the Three Broomsticks and strolled out into the street to do various wizardly things. Hermione pointed at something down the road. "Hey look, Remus! It's you in the future!"

"Really?" said Remus.

The modern Remus Lupin was strolling down the road with Professor Lavendella Midnightshine. Sixteen year-old Remus set eyes on Lavendella and his mouth dropped open. "Whoa! I get _her_ in the future? I can't wait!"

"Hey, who do I get in the future?" Sirius asked.

Harry looked away from Sirius and fidgeted slightly. "Um... well... Let's just say things are over before you get any opportunity."

"What's that supposed to be mean?"

Ron spoke up. "It's means you're going to die alone and single."

"_What?_ I hate the future!"

"What about me?" Peter asked.

"Er... Hey, let's go into Honeyduke's!" said Harry, hastily changing the subject. He really didn't feel like telling Peter about him and Lily, in case James became furious and killed Peter on the spot.

Harry, Ron, Aurelia, Hermione, James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter all entered the candy shop. As Harry reached over and touched a box of Fizzing Whizbees, a hazy, smoky figure suddenly rose out of the box. As the smoke cleared, the figure took on the shape of what looked Dobby, except the ears were smaller, the eyes were blue, and its voice was deeper. "Harry Potter!"

Harry was very confused. "Yes?"

"Are you Harry Potter?"

"Yes."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes!"

"Positive?"

"_YES!_"

"Okay." The creature stared at Harry and scratched one of its ears. "Harry Potter, today is a very important day for you. For I am... Dobby's cousin, Bobbie! Mwahaha!"

"I didn't know Dobby had a cousin," said Harry. "And how come you don't speak like ordinary house-elves do? You know, the speaking in third person thing?"

"I am a genie-house-elf! I get to speak however I want!" Bobbie leaned in closer and his voice became serious. "Harry Potter, today is your special, drastically important day! For this is the day in which I endow you with... super powers!" He spread his arms in the air and was silent, for a dramatic effect.

Harry stared blankly at him. "Super powers? Oh please. That's the lamest thing I've ever heard of!"

"Yes, I know! Which is why I am giving them to you!" Bobbie closed his eyes, hummed for a few minutes, and then snapped his fingers. A cloud of blue sparks erupted above Harry's head.

"What just happened?" Harry asked.

"I gave you the super powers, you fool! Now go off and use them for the good of mankind. Or be stupid and blow up the earth. I don't care either way. Now good day to you, Harry Potter!" Bobbie once again became shrouded in smoke, and began to fade away until he at last disappeared.

"What was that all about?" Ron wanted to know.

"I don't know," said Harry. He shrugged his shoulders and bright red laser beams shot out of his shoulder blades, blasting two small holes in the wall.

"Whoa!" said Sirius. "How did you do that?"

"I was endowed with super powers."

"What else can you do?" James asked.

Harry concentrated for a moment, and suddenly gasped. "Oh no! My eyes!" He hastily shielded them with a hand.

"What's the matter, Harry?" Ron asked.

"I have x-ray vision," his friend replied in a shaky voice. "But..." he shuddered. "I accidentally saw Peter! He doesn't wear anything under his pants, and well... You can use your imagination."

"Ugh! I never knew that about Wormtail," said Sirius, shooting a look of pure astonishment at his friend. Peter was sitting by himself calmly licking a purple lollipop and had no idea that they were discussing him.

"What happened to Aurelia and Hermione?" Harry asked, suddenly noticing their absence.

"Read the wall," said Ron, pointing. Harry looked at one of the walls and saw that there was writing on it in dark red blood that said: _The makeup store has been opened. Enemies of the mascara, beware. Signed, Hermione and Aurelia_.

"Couldn't they have just told us or written us a note on a scrap of parchment?" said Harry.

"No way, Harry. Are you crazy?" said Ron. "Everything must be as dramatic as possible! Now excuse me for a moment while I nearly choke to death on an Every Flavor Bean." He fell to the floor and frantically clutched his throat, making severe choking and gagging sounds.

"Oh great, now what do we do?" moaned Harry.

"Just use your super powers," Sirius suggested.

"Great idea!" Harry bent over Ron and placed his hands on his friend's throat. His hands glowed bright blue, and Ron's gagging subsided. He got to his feet. "I'm alive! ALIVE!" He started dancing around the store and various people clapped and cheered.

"Harry is a hero!" shouted a random reporter who had burst into the candy store. He started snapping pictures of Harry as Harry made cheesy poses and flashed tacky smiles.

"_Lucky!_" said James. "I wish I had super powers!"

"No you don't," Harry assured him. "Some super powers aren't all good. Like the x-ray vision for instance. Would you really like to see exposed sections of Peter that are best left up to the imagination?"

James shuddered. "No! You're right!"

Harry then started to flap his arms like a chicken, and he felt his feet leave the ground as he soared up into the air. He was flying! "I believe in fairies!" he yelled.

"What?" said Ron.

Harry blushed. "Never mind. I was having a Peter Pan moment."


	11. Flirting and Full Moons

**Chapter Eleven  
**Flirting and Full Moons

Five minutes later, Harry decided that he loved his new super powers and decided to use his amazing hypnosis power on a Honeyduke's employee. A silly grin suddenly spread on the employee's face, and his eyes became blank and unfocused. "Harry Potter does not have to pay for candy," Harry told him carefully.

The employee nodded his head dumbly and repeated what Harry had said in a vague, distant voice. "Harry Potter does not have to pay for candy."

Overjoyed, Harry browsed through the shop and began stuffing all sorts of candy into his pockets, except for the cockroach clusters of course. "Brilliant, Harry!" Sirius remarked. "I sure wish I had been blessed with such amazing power. Of course, James and I would usually just help ourselves anyway whether we had super powers or not. Hey, speaking of James, where did he go? He never turns down free candy."

It turned out that James was over at the counter flirting with the attractive cashier girl. He ran his fingers through his hair, ruffling it like he always did when he wanted to look his best. "So... are you single?"

The girl looked completely taken aback. "Er... I don't know you."

"Well you can get to know me! My name is James Potter." James mussed up his hair a bit more. "So, how about I take you out to that new café down the road? I'm free tomorrow." He grinned at her. "So what time do you—"

"Um, excuse me," said the girl, cutting him off. "I never said that I would go anywhere with you. I don't know you, and I don't want to know you. Now go away, or I'll call the authorities."

James was unfazed by her behavior. He obviously didn't know a rejection when he heard one. "I understand. Now if you change your mind and need to write to me—"

"I'm serious!" she said. "Now step away from this counter before I—"

"James! There you are!" Sirius walked over and clapped his friend on the shoulder. "You're missing out! Harry hypnotized one of the employees and he gets all this free candy!"

"Is he with you?" the girl behind the counter asked Sirius, pointing at James.

"Um, yeah. Has he been bothering you?" Looking at her, Sirius couldn't help but notice how pretty she was. He walked up to the counter and smiled attractively. "You know, I'm single and have kind of been—"

"No! Not another one!" the girl shrieked. She stormed off and disappeared into a storeroom.

"What did you do to get her in such a mood?" Sirius asked James.

"I didn't do anything wrong! I'm just too hot for her to handle." Sirius snorted at this and dragged James over to where Harry and the others were.

Harry used his spectacular super strength to punch a giant hole in one of the walls. "Come on, you guys! I bet I can hypnotize the workers at some of the other shops too!" Feeling victorious, he climbed out through the hole and into the street.

"Couldn't you have just used the door, Harry?" Ron asked.

"Of course not, Ron! I've got super powers and I have to make good use of them!" Harry then used the powers of his mind to move Ron and send him through the hole in the wall.

"Nice, Harry!" said Sirius, eyeing the hole. "Reminds me of the time James and I knocked a hole in the wall of the girl's bathroom."

"Lily was in there at the time," said James with a dreamy look on his face. "I'll never forget her shrieks of outrage..."

"Be quiet, James." Sirius shoved James through the hole and went through himself. Remus and Peter soon followed.

"I wonder what Hermione and Aurelia have been up to," Ron wondered. "They can't possibly spend _that_ much at a make-up store, could they? Or could they?"

"Hello, guys!" said a voice. Hermione stood across the street with Aurelia standing behind her. Hermione's eyes were heavily made-up, making her look like a colorful raccoon, and her lips had so much lipstick on them that it looked as if she had used an entire stick of it. She carried several shopping bags in her arms.

"Er, hi Hermione," said Ron. "You look, um… lovely."

"Oh Harry!" cried Aurelia. She threw herself into Harry's arms dramatically. "I have something awful to tell you! My parents wrote to me and said that I must go with them on their trip to America!" She buried her face in Harry's shoulder, weeping beautifully.

"But you're coming back, right?" said Harry anxiously.

"Yes." Aurelia wiped away her perfect tears. "Goodbye for now, Harry." She walked down the road, headed for the train station, and disappeared.

"Well that was random and unexpected," Peter commented.

"Where are we going to go now?" Sirius asked.

"Well, we can go to the joke shop over there," said Harry, pointing down the road. "See?"

"I can't see, Hermione's breasts are in the way," said Sirius. "Not that I mind, of course."

The seven of them headed down the road with intentions of entering the joke shop, when Draco and Summy suddenly popped out of a bush and started scattering flower petals everywhere. "Love is the answer!" they said together. "Learn to discover harmony!"

"I really truly think I'm going to be sick," gasped Ron. He ran over to a clump of bushes and heaved up everything he had eaten that day. Draco ran over to him and patted him on the back. "It's okay, my brother! Just believe in the peace, and you'll feel better!"

Ron shrank away from his touch. "I'm not your brother! Get away from me!"

"No need for such anger. You must learn to love me! Love instead of war!"

"Yes, what he said!" said Summy. "Peace and love!"

Sirius sauntered over to Summy, eyeing her up rogueishly. "I'll be willing to take part in the love!" he said, winking at her.

Summy giggled. "That's not really what I meant. I... Oh, I don't know!" She twirled her beautiful blonde hair around. "I _am_ with Draco, you know."

Sirius smiled. "Do you really think that would stop me?"

James, who had been standing off to the side without any dialogue, suddenly noticed Summy and immediately appeared at her side. "Why hello there. I'm James Potter and I'm _very_ good with my wand." He grinned at her and rumpled up his hair.

"Get out of here, James! I saw her first!" said Sirius.

"But you always get the girls!"

"I do not!"

"Yes you do!"

"What's going on?" Draco had heard the commotion and approached the three of them. "Are you two fighting over Summy? She's my girlfriend, you know." He grinned at James and Sirius. "But it's okay, my brothers! We can share the love!"

"Excellent!" said Sirius. He grabbed Summy and started kissing her.

James was tempted to whip out his wand and hex Sirius. "That's not fair!"

"Everything is fair," said Draco cheerfully. "Don't be angry, be happy! You can kiss _me_ if you want to!"

James looked revolted. "Why would I do that?" He quickly walked as far away from Draco as he could get, before he lost his temper and started jinxing him.

All of a sudden, without warning, the sky started to become dark. Harry looked at his watch. "Since when was it almost nighttime?"

"That doesn't matter, Harry," said Ron. "Things like that don't have to make sense. The more illogical, the better!"

As the minutes passed, it became darker and darker, and the moon shone brightly in the sky. Remus looked up at the sky and gasped with horror. "Um... guys? I think the moon is full."

"Uh-oh," said Harry. "A full moon means that Remus is going to transform into a werewolf!" Everyone else screamed with terror and instantly began to panic. "Calm down, everyone!" Harry ordered heroically.

"Panic is bad for my hair," Hermione moaned to herself, patting her sleek, straight, lustrous hair.

"Moony, can you make it to the Shrieking Shack?" Sirius asked.

Remus's body was starting to twitch. "No!"

"Run and hide, everybody!" James yelled.

Harry and Ron quickly found a tree and scrambled up its branches with lightning speed. "Come on, Hermione!" Ron yelled. "Hurry!"

Hermione eyed the tree with distaste. "I can't climb that thing! I could break a nail!"

Harry rolled his eyes. "What matters more? Your life, or your nails?"

Hermione paused to think this over for a minute. "Well, that's a very difficult question…" Before she could come up with an answer, Harry and Ron reached down, grabbed her by the arms, and pulled her up onto a tree branch.

"Hey, watch it!" she squealed. "You could have mussed my hair!" She took a hairbrush out of her pocket and applied it to her gorgeous straight locks.

Ron's voice had become shrill, high, and incredibly squeaky. He sounded like a terrified person who had swallowed helium. "Harry!" he shrieked, trying not to look down at Remus the werewolf. He curled into a frightened ball.

As Harry watched Remus and his friends run around in their animal forms, something suddenly occurred to him. "Hey, wouldn't adult Remus turn into a werewolf too?"

Ron started to tremble with fear. "But then there would be _two_ werewolves!"

"Of course there wouldn't be two werewolves, Ron!" said Hermione. "Adult Remus is right over there." She pointed at the modern adult Remus, who was standing in front of a shop chatting with Lavendella Midnightshine and a couple of wizards.

"Well that doesn't make any sense," said Harry.

"Of course it does," Hermione replied.

"Whatever happened to Draco and Summy?" Harry wondered, ignoring Hermione's illogical statement. He looked down and saw them frantically running in circles.

"Our wolf friend will understand peace and friendship soon enough!" said Summy.

"Are you sure?" moaned Draco.

"No," she replied. "Let's run!" The two of them took off running, but before they could get away Remus came out of nowhere and slashed Summy across the back with his paw, then swiped the side of her face with his other paw. Summy crumpled to the ground.

"NOOOOOOO!" Draco cried hysterically and dramatically. He took Summy into his arms, using the super strength that he had just conveniently acquired five seconds ago, and ran away to safety.

About fifteen minutes later, Remus fell to the ground and painfully transformed back to his human state, while James, Sirius, and Peter changed back as well.

"I'm glad that's over with," said Harry. He jumped out of the tree. "Come on, Ron."

Ron was completely petrified, with his face frozen in an expression that looked both horror-struck and constipated. His voice was a hoarse little squeak. O-okay." He climbed down the tree and stood beside Harry, still shivering.

"Hermione, are you coming down?" Harry called.

"And put myself in the risk of breaking a nail _again_?" said Hermione. "Yeah right!"

Harry rolled his eyes. "Does anybody have a convenient, illogical item that I could use to get Hermione out of that tree?"

POOF! Suddenly, a gigantic white hand popped out of nowhere, grabbed Hermione and set her on the ground, then disappeared.

"Wow, now that was convenient," said Ron, who had gone back to normal and no longer spoke in a high squeaky voice.

"I think I need a butterbeer really badly!" said Remus, who was panting and looked as if he had been in a brawl.

"I'll buy you one, Moony!" said Sirius cheerfully. "Come on, James. There might be cute waitresses!" He, Remus, and James left for the Three Broomsticks, and Peter, always the tag-along, followed behind.

"What should we do now?" Harry asked Ron and Hermione.

"Let's stand around and do absolutely nothing to advance the plot," Ron suggested.

"Okay," Harry agreed. He suddenly gasped. "Wait a minute? You mean there's a plot?" Ron merely shrugged, and he, Harry, and Hermione found a large tree to stand under.

While the trio stood around tediously, Draco decided that he would act like a fantastic dramatic hero. He cradled Summy's unconscious head in his hands. "Oh, Summy! I blame myself! Why didn't we climb a tree? Why do we have to be treehuggers who believe that chopping, climbing, and abusing a tree in any way is wrong?" He started to cry tragically and his tears rained down upon Summy's perfect face.

Summy stirred and opened her eyes. "Oh, Draco!"

"Oh, Summy! You're alive!"

"Oh, Draco, I almost certainly think there presumably could probably and most likely be a very large possibility of my being hurt! What are the odds of that?"

"I will take you to the Hogwarts Hospital Wing!" Draco promised. "Since I am actually Harry's long-lost twin brother who was born of Lily Evans and Cornelius Fudge, some of his super powers were also endowed to me!" And he picked Summy up in his arms and flew to Hogwarts.


	12. Who is the Half-Blood Prince?

**Chapter Twelve  
**Who is the Half-Blood Prince?

The night wore on and it grew later and later. Harry, Ron, and Hermione were still standing under a tree doing nothing. "How much longer are we going to stay in Hogsmeade?" Ron wondered. "Aren't we supposed to be back in school?"

"Oh Ron, school is for losers! Everyone knows that!" said Hermione, putting on some eyeliner.

"This is getting boring and pointless," said Harry.

"Well you're boring and pointless," said Hermione matter-of-factly.

Harry was bored out of his mind. And his pants were really itchy. He wished he hadn't stood on top of that anthill. He scratched at his pants, hoping to make the itchiness disappear.

"What are you doing, Harry?" Ron asked.

"My pants are itchy!"

"How would you know that your pants are itchy? Did they tell you that?"

"You're not funny, Ron! My pants aren't the ones who are experiencing itchiness, _I'm_ the one who's experiencing itchiness!"

"Well, Harry," said Hermione, "if you took off your pants then you wouldn't be itchy anymore!" She smiled seductively at him.

Harry shuddered. "No way!"

"Suit yourself." Hermione sat down and started to brush her beautiful straight hair.

Another fifteen minutes passed by, and Harry was more bored than ever. "I wish something at least halfway interesting would happen," he moaned tragically.

Suddenly, a hole opened up in the ground and Sirius popped out of it! Adult Sirius, that is, not past Sirius. He waved excitedly. "Hi, Harry!"

Harry gasped. "Sirius? What are you doing here?"

"I came back from Beyond the Veil again! You should really visit the place, Harry. They've got excellent coffee. Maybe we could all go to lunch there sometime."

"What are you talking about, Sirius?" Ron asked.

Sirius looked at them all as if they were highly unintelligent. "Don't you know? Beyond the Veil is actually a small, practically unknown restaurant! They've got the best cookies I've ever tasted!"

"It is?" Harry was absolutely astounded. He seemed to learn amazing things every day.

"As much as I would like to discuss great restaurants, though, that's not the reason why I'm here," Sirius said. "Harry, I have to tell you something very important." He took a deep, dramatic breath. "Harry, I am your father."

"NO!" Harry cried dramatically.

"Yes, it's true," Sirius went on. "And your mother is actually James Potter's long-lost sister, which is why you resemble James so much. And you got your beautiful green eyes from your relative Lily Evans, who is secretly my cousin. Oh yes, and Peter Pettigrew is your grandfather, for I am his son!"

"How is that possible?" Harry asked, almost too stunned to speak.

"Well, when I was your age, Peter was actually about forty-five but he disguised himself as a sixteen year-old. Pretty clever of him, isn't it?"

"No, that's creepy!" Harry cried. "Why have I been lied to all these years? Why didn't anyone ever tell me?"

"Well, to tell the truth, Harry, it would be dangerous if you knew who your real parents are," Sirius explained. "It said in a prophesy made 4.7 billion years ago that if you knew that you were the son of Sirius Black and James Potter's long-lost sister, then horrible things would happen to the Half-Blood Prince!"

"The Half-Blood Prince?" Harry was confused. "Who's that?"

"No one knows for sure, but he's very mysterious."

"I think you should leave, Sirius," Ron advised him. "Your sixteen year-old self, along with sixteen year-old James and Remus and forty-five year-old Peter have come back from the past. If your past self meets your future self, it will cause a paradox and everybody will fall into a black hole and die!"

"So?" said Sirius. "I'm staying here! As much I love the food at Beyond the Veil, I'm not going to spend all my time at a restaurant. I've got a life, you know."

Harry sat down on a decaying tree stump. "I wonder who the Half-Blood Prince is."

Suddenly, thunder boomed and lightning flashed overhead, bats swooped menacingly in the air, and foreboding music started to play in the background. Luna Lovegood stood at the top of a dark and mysterious tower and shouted out, "Behold! I am the Half-Blood Prince!"

The thunder and lightning ceased and was replaced with the chirping of crickets.

Luna tried again. "Behold! I am the Half-Blood Prince! Hey, what happened to my thunder and lightning?"

"_You're_ the Half-Blood Prince?" cried Harry. "How can that be? You're not even a half-blood. And you're a girl! You can't be a prince!"

Luna heaved a depressed sigh. "So you've seen through my little ruse. You're right, Harry. I'm not the Half-Blood Prince." She took off her head, revealing the head of Voldemort underneath. "I am Lord Voldemort, and I just want you to understand me!" He started to sob.

"That's simply pathetic," said Ron.

"I know!" wailed Voldemort. "Harry, listen to me. I want to adopt you. You can be Voldemort Jr. and have pretty stuffed animals and your own set of Muggle slaves! How does that sound?"

"You don't need to adopt Harry!" said Sirius. "I am his father and he'll live with me!"

Voldemort gasped. "So you told Harry about the prophecy that was made 4.7 billion years ago?"

Sirius nodded. "So you'd better leave, or I'll do something drastic that I'm too lazy to be specific about because the element of surprise is always the best element! It's even better than oxygen or copper or phosphorous!"

"I don't know what in the world you're talking about, but I'll leave anyway." With a snap of his fingers, Voldemort disappeared.

"Well that was strange," said Harry. "So we don't know who the Half-Blood Prince is after all."

"Actually you do, Harry," said Hermione, standing up. "For I am the Half-Blood Prince!"

"But you're a girl!" Ron objected.

Hermione sighed at him impatiently. "Ron, didn't you ever stop and consider the fact that the Half-Blood Prince could actually be the Half-Blood _Princess_ who is merely posing as a prince?"

"Well... no," Ron confessed rather shamefacedly.

"Well consider it now. Honestly, you're so sexist!"

"But Hermione," said Harry, "you can't possibly be the Half-Blood Prince, or Princess! You're not a half-blood! You're Muggle-born!"

Hermione smiled mysteriously. "Actually, only my mother was a Muggle. My real father, however, is actually..." Everyone held their breath in anticipation. "...Severus Snape!"

"Gasp!" gasped Harry.

"Squeak!" squeaked Ron.

"No!" no-ed Sirius.

"Yes!" yes-ed Hermione.

"Bloody hell," said Harry. "Then you really are the Half-Blood Prince, er, I mean Princess."

"No, I'm not!" said Hermione. "I fooled you all! I don't know who the Half-Blood Prince is, and I don't care!" She sat back down and looked at the pictures in a fashion magazine. Hermione couldn't bring herself down so low by reading, and so looking at the pictures was all she could do.

Harry suddenly heard footsteps. "I think James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter are coming back. Sirius, get out of here now!"

"Oh, fine," Sirius said rather sulkily. "See ya, Harry! I'll see you again soon!" He snapped his fingers and disappeared.

"Hey, Harry!" said sixteen year-old Sirius, who had just arrived with James, Remus, and Peter. He shoved something into Harry's hand. "I got you a butterbeer."

Harry happily began sipping on his butterbeer, while Hermione anxiously patted her hair. "You know that?" she said. "I really need to get back to Hogwarts so I can take a shower."

"You took a shower before we left!" Ron pointed out.

"Yes, but I need another one. I've only showered seven times today!" Hermione's face contorted with rage. "SEVEN TIMES ISN'T ENOUGH!" She dropped her magazine and stood up in a dramatic manner.

"Er, Hermione?" said Harry in a panicky voice. "Are you okay?"

Hermione glared at him. "No! I'm angry, and you won't like me when I'm angry!" She started to turn green and sprouted huge muscles.

"Oh no!" shrieked Ron in a girly voice. "It's Hulk Hermione!"

"We have to defeat her!" said Remus. "What do we do?"

"Hem hem! I've got silver bullets!" announced Dolores Jane Umbridge, who had escaped from the centaurs in the Forbidden Forest and was taking a nighttime stroll through Hogsmeade.

"How would a bunch of silver bullets stop Hermione?" Harry asked.

Umbridge shrugged. "I honestly don't know." She then caught sight of Remus. "Merlin's beard, it's a half-breed! I'm going to annihilate you, you fiendish half-breed!" She brandished her silver bullets menacingly.

Shaking with fear, Remus, hid behind Hermione's chest, which turned out to be a bad idea since Hermione was still green, muscular, and angry. She grabbed Remus and flung him several feet.

Harry suddenly got an idea that would get rid of Umbridge. "Hey, Umbridge! Have you ever heard of the Half-Blood Prince? Since he's a half-blood, then that mean he's a half-breed, so you'd better go terminate him!"

"Marvelous idea!" Umbridge took her silver bullets and ran off.

Harry breathed a sigh of relief. "I'm sure glad she's gone."

"But what about Hulk Hermione?" squeaked Peter, who was hiding behind James.

"There's only one thing we can do," said Harry. "We have to pour makeup remover all over her! It's the one thing that Hermione hates and fears, and it will diminish her!"

"Great idea!" said James. "But where do we get the makeup remover?"

"It's a good thing I've got some in my pocket!" said Remus. He pulled out a giant bottle of makeup remover and handed it to Harry.

"Okay, I'm not even going to ask why in the world Moony has got makeup remover with him," said Sirius. "I don't want to know."

"What are you implying?" demanded Remus.

"Quiet!" shushed Harry. "We have to defeat her, and fast!"

As Hulk Hermione paced back and forth, trampling small plants and ranting to herself about how badly she needed to shower, Harry snuck up on her. He uncapped the bottle of makeup remover, and after being given the signal from Ron, he splashed the stuff all over Hulk Hermione.

"NOOOO!" she screamed, her muscles shrinking and her skin turning less green. "Not my makeup! Don't wash it off!" She started to writhe in anguish. "I can't live without my makeup!" By this time she was back to normal, even though her hair was a bit mussed and her clothes were in shreds. "What happened?"

"You turned into a big green monster and destroyed some innocent plants," Ron explained. He tenderly patted a clump of crushed and wilted leaves. "I'm so sorry! I'll never let her hurt you again!"

"Ron?" said Sirius, staring at him as if fearing for his sanity. "Are you talking to plants?"

"Well so what if I am?" said Ron defensively. "I enjoy talking to plants and I'm proud of it! Don't you dare lower my self-esteem!"

"Well, now would be a good idea to get back to the castle," said Harry. He put Hermione in a convenient wagon that had popped out of nowhere, and they all left Hogsmeade and went back to the castle.


	13. Harry's Grandpa Gets His Groove On

**Chapter Thirteen  
**Harry's Grandpa Gets His Groove On

The next day Harry, Ron, Hermione, Sirius, James, Remus, and Peter all went into the Great Hall, where Dumbledore was sleeping, McGonagall was passionately kissing Hagrid, and Snape was giving Filch an engagement ring. Everyone seemed to be incredibly happy except for Draco. He sat sorrowfully at the Slytherin table with his head in his hands and Harry approached him. "What's the matter, Draco?"

Draco lifted up his sad and pathetic head. "It's Summy! She was injured very seriously and is in the hospital. I'll never see her again!"

"Relax," said Ron, who had followed Harry like a bright orange shadow. "The injured girl always gets miraculously healed and goes back to kissing her lover!"

Draco excitedly leapt to his feet. "I suddenly feel happy now!" He jumped on top of the table and started disco dancing, and soon everyone in the Great Hall crowded around him chanting, "Go Draco!"

"I'm the best dancer ever!" said Draco, flashing a sparkly white grin.

Suddenly the doors opened with a loud bang. "What is the meaning of this? Did somebody just say that he's the best dancer ever?" Lord Voldemort strode into the Great Hall, defying all the logical rules of getting into the castle.

"Yes!" said Draco, raising his hand.

Voldemort pointed his wand at Draco. "But _I'm _supposed to be the best dancer ever. I challenge you to a dancing competition! The winner gets to adopt Harry!"

"Voldemort, you idiot!" yelled Harry. "Stop trying to adopt me! I'm not related to you!"

Voldemort smiled mysteriously. "Oh, but you are. I am the other parent of Sirius Black, making me your grandfather, Harry!"

The entire Great Hall was filled with an eerie silence. Harry finally broke it. "_What_?" he sputtered in disbelief. "You can't be! You're a... You're..."

"A man. I know. But I'll have you know that I wasn't always a man. Long, long ago, I was Tomanda Marvolita Riddle, wife of Peter Pettigrew and proud mother of Sirius Black. But when Peter divorced me and married Lily Evans, Sirius' secret cousin, I was so heartbroken that I couldn't bear to be a woman any more."

Harry was more stunned than ever before. "My family is even more screwed up than I thought."

"Ahem!" said Draco. "I thought we were going to have a dancing competition."

"Oh yes, that's right!" Voldemort snapped his fingers and was suddenly clothed in pinstriped purple bellbottoms and a bright green half-open shirt. He jumped on top of the Ravenclaw table.

"I will be the impartial judge," announced Neville. He flexed his muscles and sat down in an official looking chair. "Draco goes first. Let the dancing begin!"

Some disco music struck up out of nowhere and Draco started to dance, while squealing girls swarmed around to gaze at him adoringly. "I bet he's dancing for me!" squealed one of the girls.

"No, he's dancing for me!" shrieked another girl.

The first girl shoved the second one. "Me!"

The second girl punched the first one. "Me!"

Soon the two of them were on the ground viciously beating each other up. Professor Flitwick, who was standing nearby, somehow got dragged into the brawl against his will and was squeaking, "Help! Help me! I'm getting mauled by a pair of psychotic girls!"

Sirius laughed. "Check it out. Flitwick is getting beat up by _girls_!"

"Hey, getting beat up by girls doesn't make you pathetic," muttered Peter, who had secretly been mauled by a three year-old girl about fifteen years ago.

"I've got to get a picture of this!" said Sirius. He spotted Colin Creevey and yanked the camera out of the boy's hands.

"You can't take that," Colin argued. "My daddy's a milkman and he'll get you with his all-powerful milk bottles."

"Sure," said Sirius, shaking his head. "Move over, Moony, I've got to get a good shot." He got up close to the brutally fighting girls and the increasingly bruised and terrified Flitwick and snapped about ten pictures.

"Excellent!" said James. "We can put them up all over the school!"

Sirius pocketed the camera and told Colin, "I'll give you your contraption back as soon as I get my photos, okay!"

Colin nodded his head, though the little twerp was actually seething with anger.

The music ended and Draco finished up his dancing with his most spectacular dance move. The audience went wild. The two fighting girls stopped hitting each other and started to cry. "It's over?" A very beat up, very dazed Flitwick staggered away and collapsed in a tiny heap.

Draco grinned. "Beat that, Voldemort!"

"I will!" said Voldemort.

"Excellent job, Mr. Malfoy!" said Neville, writing down Draco's score. "Now it is Voldemort's turn. Let the dancing begin!"

Once again, music blasted from an unknown source and Voldemort started to dance. He was just as good as Draco and the skillful twirling of his purple bellbottoms was an added bonus. He finished with a dramatic flourish and the audience went wild again.

"Good for you, Mr. Voldemort," said Neville. He wrote down Voldemort's score and stood up. "Ladies and gentlemen, I will now announce the winner of this dancing competition! Despite the fact that Voldemort put forth his best effort, I must congratulate Mr. Malfoy as our proud winner!"

Draco smiled and did a complicated leap in the air. "Yes!"

Voldemort was absolutely stunned. "I lost? I actually lost to some shiny-haired kid who dances like a possessed ferret? What in the name of Merlin's high heels is going on here?"

"Too bad, Voldemort," said Draco. "I won. Which means that I get to adopt Harry!" He ran towards Harry with a teddy bear in one hand and a baby rattle in the other. "Come to your new daddy, Harry-warry-bear!"

"That was disturbing," commented Remus.

"And I've got pictures of it!" said Sirius, waving Colin's camera around excitedly.

Suddenly, adult Sirius walked into the Great Hall. "Hi, everyone. How's it going in the hood?" He suddenly caught sight of sixteen year-old Sirius and started gasping like a fish out of water.

"Uh-oh," said Ron. "We're all doomed."

Since Adult Sirius had seen past Sirius, everybody then fell into a giant black hole and died, just as Ron had predicted. Luckily, Harry used his ultra amazing super powers and rescued everybody, restoring the universe so that everything was back to normal. Except things were never normal in the first place.

* * *

Dumbledore stood up as everyone was eating dinner in the Great Hall. "Everyone, I have an announcement to make. I have decided to introduce a new school activity called Inter-House Bonding! However, before I make the activity official, I have selected a couple of guinea pigs to test it out on. I pulled two names out of a hat, and the two people are... Draco Malfoy and Hermione Granger!"

Draco spat out his pumpkin juice, spraying Goyle right in the face. "WHAT?"

Hermione dropped her mascara and it landed right in her soup. "WHAT?"

"That's right," said Dumbledore with a chuckle. "Mr. Malfoy and Miss Granger have to stay in a one-room dormitory for five days!"

"But why?" moaned Hermione.

The headmaster smiled. "Because putting you two in a situation in which you're forced to be in each other's company for a period of time is completely unoriginal!"

"He's right, you know," said Ron, trying to comfort Hermione. She glared at him.

"I can't believe I'm stuck with the Mudblood," Draco muttered.

While chaos and turmoil erupted throughout the Great Hall, Remus poked Harry in the shoulder. "Hey, Harry?"

"What?" said Harry.

"Since modern adult Remus and I are both in the same room, he's probably spotted me by now. Wouldn't we all fall into a black hole again?"

"Of course not!" said adult Remus, standing up with an insane cackle. "For I am not Remus Lupin! I am... the Half-Blood Prince!"

"GASP!" everyone gasped.

"The real Remus Lupin is in his office with Professor Midnightshine," said the Half-Blood Prince. "Er... that's best left up to the imagination. Now I've got to leave to take care of some important business involving half-baked chocolate chip cookies." The Half-Blood Prince left the Great Hall and disappeared.

"Well that was odd," said Ron.

"No it isn't, Ron," Hermione insisted. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'd better go move all my things into the dormitory I'll be sharing with Malfoy." She got up and walked away.

Harry stared down at his plate of potatoes. "Well this is pointless. I'm bored out of my mind and I'm stuck with Ron and Peter on either side of me."

"Well this is boring," said Ron.

"That's what I just said!" said Harry, offended. "You can't steal my lines, you sidekick!"

"You say I'm a sidekick like it's a bad thing!" cried Ron.

"Actually, it is," said Blaise Zabini, who had suddenly appeared next to Ron and for some weird reason had long blonde hair that fluttered and curled attractively. Harry and Ron stared at him in shock.

"Um, didn't you just have short dark hair a little while ago?" Harry asked him.

Blaise giggled. "I have the ability to be either gender, remember? I've decided that I don't want to be a boy any more and so now I'm a girl!"

"Well then what about Ginny?" Ron asked. "My sister isn't going out with another girl, is she?"

Blaise shook her head. "No, we broke up as soon as I told her I no longer wanted to be a boy." She got up from her seat and sat down next to Neville. "Hello, there." She fluttered her eyelashes.

Neville stared at her and struck a couple of athletic poses. "Hi there, gorgeous!" They were soon in a corner making out passionately.

"That's interesting," said Ron. "Well then who is Ginny going to go out with?"

Ginny suddenly appeared and sat down next to Ron, huffing angrily. "I can't believe Blaise would actually change his— I mean, her, gender! We were so happy together! Oh well. I'm sure some incredibly hot exchange student boy will come to replace Blaise." She then got up and walked away.

"Ron, do you sense any foreshadowing?" Harry asked.

"No. Why?"

"Never mind."

"Well if there was any foreshadowing," Ron said, "then the thing that is being foreshadowed will most likely not show up until at least another chapter. Does that console you?"

"No, not really."

Ron set down his fork. "You know, I wonder what Hermione's up to. And Draco too. He left the Great Hall just a minute ago."

Harry shrugged. "I don't know."

Meanwhile, Hermione was in her new dormitory, arranging her hair products, makeup, tight-fitting clothing, and various other Hermione-like objects. Just as she was categorizing her shampoo collection, the door opened and Draco Malfoy strode in. He stopped and stared at her. "What are _you_ doing here, Granger?"

"Oh my god!" Hermione cried, startled. "What are _you_ doing here?"

"I live here now," said Draco.

"Well so do I."

Draco sat down upon his new bed and watched Hermione sort her shampoo, while Hermione looked up at him seductively. "Did you know that I hate you?" she purred.

"I hate you too," he said dreamily. "You're a Mudblood."

"He said a naughty word!" said a voice from just outside the door that sounded suspiciously like Peter's. Seconds later a loud smacking noise could be heard. "Shut up, Wormtail! I bet everyone in the castle can hear you!"

Draco stood up in alarm. "What was that?"

Hermione shrugged her shoulders and opened up one of her teen girl magazines. "Hmm... How to Get Him to Love You Back, page 17..."

Draco strode over to the door and wrenched it open. Standing outside were Peter and Sirius, looking extremely guilty. "What were you two doing?" Draco demanded.

"Um... we're door-to-door salesmen!" said Sirius, thinking fast. He pulled a pair of pink underwear decorated with little sheep out of Peter's pocket. "Want to buy some undergarments?" Draco slammed the door in his face.

As soon as Draco disappeared, Sirius suddenly burst into a fit of laughter. He seemed to be trying to say something, but was unable to talk through all the laughing. As he tried to speak, he would point at Peter, and then point at the underwear, and then start laughing harder than ever. Peter got the message.

"I'll take those back, thank you very much!" he said, snatching the pink underpants out of Sirius' grasp.

About a minute later Sirius managed to regain the ability of speech, though he hadn't stopped giggling. "Peter! I can't believe—" He paused to laugh, "—you would actually—" He laughed again, "—own a pair of—" At this point, he was unable to speak any further and collapsed on the ground, laughing his head off.

Peter's face was bright red. "Er... I can explain." He grabbed Sirius by the arm and dragged his hysterical friend down the hallway. Next time he passed by St. Mungo's he would have to tell them about Sirius.


	14. Introducing Male Mary Sue

**Chapter Fourteen  
**Introducing Male Mary Sue

The next morning James and Sirius woke up before everyone else. Sirius reached over and poked Harry, who was sleeping in the bed next to him. "Psst! Harry!" Harry turned over on his side and continued to sleep.

"I feel lonely," said James.

"Not to mention bored," Sirius added. "What time is it?"

James looked at Remus' watch. "5:24."

"What?" said Sirius. "Since when do _we_ get up early? This time period is making us crazy!" He tried to shake Peter awake. "Hey Wormtail, buddy! Wake up!" Peter moaned something about being chased by his grandmother's pantyhose and continued to sleep deeply.

James ran his fingers through his hair, which was messy as usual. "I'm bored. Padfoot, I say we do something that will rouse the attention of the whole castle! Then we'll never be neglected again!"

"Great idea, Prongs!" Sirius sat deep in thought and soon a wicked grin spread across his face. "You know, it would be pretty funny if we..." He leaned over and whispered something in James' ear.

"You've got to be kidding me," he said.

"Come on, it will funny! Disturbing, but funny."

"Fine, fine," said James. "We'd better get out and do it quick."

* * *

About half an hour later, Sirius and James sat side-by-side in uncomfortable wooden chairs in Dumbledore's office. The headmaster stared at them and glared, then slammed his fist on the table. "What do you two have to say for yourselves? Huh? Speak up!" His face turned reddish-purple and his hands shook with rage.

"Since when did Dumbledore blatantly act out of character?" James whispered to Sirius. His friend shrugged.

Dumbledore pounded his fist on the table again, putting a crack in the surface of it. "I can't believe you two delinquents would go streaking naked across the Quidditch field! Professor Sprout nearly had a heart attack!" He was panting heavily, like a bull about to charge.

"Sorry, Professor," said Sirius.

"Sorry? All you can say is sorry?" Dumbledore leaned in closer and Sirius feared that he was about to be strangled. "I can't believe you—" Suddenly, the headmaster started gasping strangely, and he fell over in a heap.

James stood up. "What happened to him?"

"He probably busted an artery or something," Sirius suggested. "I've never seen anybody with such anger problems before."

"Well let's get out of here before his phoenix heals him or something."

The two of them quietly slipped out of the room and then broke into a sprint as they rushed back to the Gryffindor common room.

Harry stared at them with his mouth open once they explained what had happened. "You ran across the Quidditch field with no clothes on just so you would get some attention?"

Sirius nodded his head. "That's right! And we're not even getting punished for it!"

"I wish I had thought of that!" Neville declared ferociously. "Oh well, I'll save it for next year."

James headed for the door. "Come on, let's go to the Great Hall. We're probably celebrities by now!" He, Sirius, Harry, Remus, Ron, and Peter entered the Great Hall and sat down at the Gryffindor table.

"That was brilliant!" said a Hufflepuff boy, looking at James and Sirius in awe.

"Where did you get the courage to do it?" asked a Ravenclaw boy.

A crowd of girls flooded the Great Hall and started squealing and snapping photos. "Oh, Sirius! You're our hero!" they declared fangirlishly. "We've decided to start the Sirius Black Fan Club!"

"Fan club?" said Sirius, completely awestruck. "Well, okay."

"We love you, Sirius!" the girls chorused. "We're going to stalk your every move twenty-four hours a day now! We've even posted magical surveillance cameras in your dormitory and the bathroom stall you always use!"

Sirius looked disturbed. "How do you know what bathroom stall I use? This is creepy, isn't it, Prongs?"

James, however, was very irritated. "_Sirius Black Fan Club_? Why don't _I_ have a fan club? Sirius wasn't the only person who streaked across the Quidditch field!"

Everyone ignored him, however. Poor James.

Sirius, meanwhile, was being chased around the Great Hall by his fan club, who seemed determined to capture him and rip his shirt off. "Come back here, Sirius!" shrieked the girls. "Let us idolize you!"

"Get these girls away from me!" cried poor Sirius. "I wish some sort of distraction would suddenly occur!"

Suddenly, as if on cue, the doors of the Great Hall opened and a boy walked in. He was no ordinary boy, however. It was obvious by the way several girls fainted right in their seats. He was simply perfect. His hair was slightly wavy and was blonde/brown/red/black, and was arranged perfectly on his head. His eyes were a bright blue/green/brown and his smile could cause hearts to stop.

He walked over to the staff table, catching the eyes of all the female teachers. "He's so wonderful!" sighed Professor McGonagall.

"He's my soul-mate! I have foreseen it!" said Professor Trelawney, her heart fluttering wildly.

"Hello," the boy said in a melodious voice. "I'm Dillon Velvetmist, an exchange student from America."

"Why hello, gorgeous," said Dumbledore. "Er, I mean, welcome to Hogwarts! Putting you through the sorting ceremony will be completely unnecessary, as my newly acquired psychic powers tell me that you're a Gryffindor!"

All of the Gryffindor girls cheered, and the girls from Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff, and Slytherin all burst into tears. Dillon sat down at the Gryffindor table and all the girls immediately started fighting over who got to sit by him. A few girls ended up with black eyes or broken noses and had to go the Hospital Wing. The rest of them crowded around Dillon wherever they could find space, which included on top of the table and on each other's laps.

"Let's form the Dillon Velvetmist Fan Club!" said a girl. The others all squealed in agreement.

"Hello," said Dillon in his attractive voice that sent shivers throughout the girls. "I'm Dillon Velvetmist and I'm a Quidditch champion, a top-marks student, a fashion model, and an ideal boyfriend!" He smiled his ravishing smile.

"This is sickening," muttered Harry.

"You've got that right," said Sirius. "He's going to steal my fan club!"

"I thought you hated your fan club and had just gotten done vowing that you would capture them all and feed them to the giant squid," Remus pointed out.

"Oh yes, that's right."

Ginny was sitting next to Dillon and squealed with delight. "It's the incredibly hot exchange boy who will replace Blaise! I knew he would come!"

"I love your blonde hair," Dillon said to Ginny, stroking her hair. "Is it natural or did you dye it?"

"Er, it's natural," Ginny lied.

"I love natural blondes!" He leaned over and kissed her. Every other girl in the Great Hall shot Ginny a death glare, and a few ran off to the bathrooms to cry.

Dillon and Ginny were soon in a corner making out passionately, and the Dillon Velvetmist Fan Club burst into tears. "Now that our Dillon has been taken, there's only one thing we can do!" they said menacingly

"Uh-oh. I don't like the sound of that," said Sirius.

"You'd better hide, Padfoot!" said James.

The former Dillon Velvetmist Fan Club squealed loudly. "We're going to have to go back to being the Sirius Black Fan Club!"

"NO!" Sirius screamed. He ran out of the Great Hall and was pursued by his crazed fan club for the rest of the day.

* * *

A couple of days later, things were going the way they had always been going. Sirius continued to be chased around by his fan club, Blaise continued to change his/her gender, Dillon sent half the female population to the Hospital Wing due to fainting spells, and Peter was ignored. Just as things were pretty much predictable, something shocking had to happen, and that shocking thing involved Hermione Granger and Draco Malfoy.

That morning, the two of them walked into the Great Hall _hand-in-hand_. Harry nearly vomited, and Ron actually did.

"What the hell is going on?" Neville demanded. "Is the apocalypse going to arrive already?"

Hermione and Draco, who both had sickening smiles on their faces, walked over to the Gryffindor table. "Hey, Harry! Hey, Ron!" said Hermione cheerfully, tugging down the neckline of her bikini top for Draco's benefit.

Ron refused to look at her. Harry turned red and had some difficulty getting his voice to work. "Er... uh... Yeah... H-hi."

"Why is she with that Slytherin moron?" James whispered to Harry. Harry merely shrugged.

Hermione giggled girlishly. "Come on, Draco! Let's go to your table!" Draco nodded at her quite sappily and allowed her to walk them over to the Slytherin table.

Ron, who had regained the will to speak, clenched his hands into fists and gritted his teeth. "I am going to kill her. I swear."

Sirius suddenly arrived rather out of breath. His crazed fan girls had been stalking him yet again and he had to make a quick run for it before they could get a hold of him. "What's going on?"

"See for yourself," said Harry, pointing at the Slytherin table. Hermione and Draco were gazing into each other's eyes with silly smiles on their faces.

"Ugh," was all Sirius managed to say.

"I sure hope somebody secretly gave them love potions or something," said Remus. "This can't be real."

"You're just jealous because Hermione got over you," said James.

"I dare you to go talk to them, Harry!" said Sirius.

"No way," said Harry. "Why don't you do it?"

"Because I'm not stupid." Sirius gave Harry a little shove. "Go on. I want to know what happened and how in the world something so horrible could have occurred!"

"All right, all right." Harry got up from his seat and trudged over to the Slytherin table. Soon he was standing right behind Hermione and Draco and cleared his throat.

Hermione and Draco both turned around. "Oh, hi Harry!" said Hermione.

"Hermione, can I, er, talk to you?" said Harry. "Just for a moment."

"Sure." Hermione got up from her seat, gave Draco a quick kiss, and walked off with Harry. She ran her fingers through her brilliant straight hair. "What is it?"

"Hermione, since when are you, er, _friendly_ with Draco Malfoy?"

"Oh!" She giggled loudly. "Well you see, it's kind of a love-hate thing. When Dumbledore put us in that dormitory together, at first we didn't get along but gradually bonded until we became lovers! Isn't that so typical?"

"Um, yeah. I guess. Well, I've got to go now." Harry left her and sat back down between Remus and Sirius.

"Well?" Sirius asked expectantly. Harry repeated what Hermione had told him.

"Wow, I honestly never saw that coming!" said Ron, completely shocked. "Who would have thought that they would bond through spending time together? That's the most original thing I've ever heard of!"

Harry was about to speak, but Dumbledore suddenly stood up and called for the student's attention. "Four-score and seven years ago, I have a dream, nitwit blubber oddment tweak, for never was a story of more woe than this of Juliet and her Romeo."

"What?" chorused the students.

"That was just my pre-speech," Dumbledore explained. "Here's the real one. We are going to have a ball here at Hogwarts, just like we did two years ago! Isn't that so unexpected? Make sure you have dress robes, and if you don't, then you can go to the ball naked!"

"Hey, Dillon!" a random girl said to Dillon Velvetmist. "You don't have any dress robes, do you?" She looked hopeful.

"Actually I do," Dillon replied sexily.

"Damn it!" The girl put her head in her hands and started to cry.

"So who are you guys taking to the ball?" Ron asked.

"I'm going with Sirius!" said a member of the Sirius Black Fan Club.

"No, _I'm_ going with Sirius!" said another girl in the Sirius Black Fan Club.

"You're both crazy!" said yet another Sirius Black Fan Club Girl. "I'm going with Sirius! I love him more than you do! I even have a shrine dedicated to him! I even have his name tattooed all over my body! I even found a guy who could marry him to me against his will!"

Sirius sank down lower in his seat and tried to hide behind a pitcher of pumpkin juice. "I think I'll hide until this ball business is over."

"I bet I know who Hermione's going with," said Ron darkly. He cast an evil glare at the Slytherin table.

"I'm not sure if any of us will be able to go with anyone," said Harry, "since all the girls are trying to go with either Sirius or Dillon."

About two-thirds of the girl population of Hogwarts was crowded around Dillon's end of the Gryffindor table, begging him to go to the ball with them. Dillon smiled his sweet smile at them. "I'm sorry, but I'm going with Ginny!"

"_What?_" the girls screamed. "Our lives no longer have any purpose!"

"Note to self: Kill Ginny Weasley," a random girl muttered to herself.

"I'll be your accomplice in murder!" said the girl next to her.

James stood up on top of the Gryffindor table. "Hey, girls! Since you can't have Dillon, there's always me!" He smiled his sexiest smile and undid several buttons on his shirt. "Who could possibly resist this?"

"James, sit down! You're making a fool of yourself!" said Remus.

"No, I'm not! I'm trying to get these silly girls to worship me! Watch, next thing you know, they'll all be getting into a major catfight over me."

The girls all opened their mouths and started to squeal, meaning that they had spotted their prey and were ready to chase him.

James grinned. "They'll be after me now!"

"SIRIUS! COME TO US, YOU SEXY THING!" the girls screamed. Sirius gave a shriek of terror and sped out of the Great Hall, but unfortunately he was followed by a massive pack of girls. Apparently his fan club had just increased in size.

James' mouth was open in complete and utter shock. "B-but I'm James Potter! Everybody wants me!"

"No, everybody wants Sirius," said Peter. "And I don't blame them."

"What's the dress robes situation?" Dumbledore wanted to know. "Does everybody have a pair?"

Harry raised his hand in the air. "Mine are as green as a fresh pickled toad!"

Draco stood up. "Mine are as dark as a blackboard!"

"I wish they were mine, they're really divine, but they're something I cannot afford!" said Ron piteously. He put his head in his hands and started to sulk.

Everyone was suddenly interrupted by a loud scream, which was followed by a voice yelling, "NO! NOT MY CLOTHES! DON'T TAKE MY CLOTHES OFF! YOU CAN'T!"

Remus started to laugh. "I think Sirius' fan club is still after him."

James shrugged. "Oh well, he'll survive. I hope."


	15. Finding Dates

**Chapter Fifteen  
**Finding Dates

Later that day, everyone was gathered in the Great Hall for dinner. Dumbledore stood up and smiled enthusiastically at the students. "My Inter-House Bonding idea actually works! Just look at Mr. Malfoy and Miss Granger for example." He pointed at Draco and Hermione, who were passionately making out in a corner.

Ron started to cough and vomited up his dinner.

"Mr. Weasley, I am ashamed of you!" Dumbledore barked angrily. "Get out of my sight and think about the dreadful sins you have committed!"

Ron was more than happy to get up and run out of the Great Hall.

Dumbledore continued with his announcements. "Furthermore, I have decided that The Ball is going to be tomorrow! Or maybe in two days. Or maybe tomorrow. I haven't quite decided yet. I'll let you know tomorrow. Of maybe the day after that."

"Have you found a date for The Ball?" James asked Harry.

Harry shook his head. "Nope. I was going to ask Hermione, but she's going with Draco. So then I was going to ask Cho Chang, but she's going with Filch. And so then I was going to ask Pansy Parkinson, but she's going with Hagrid!"

"Now that's just wrong," said Remus. "Don't you know that Hagrid is secretly Pansy's uncle?"

"Gasp!" Harry gasped. "I never knew!"

"It's true," said Neville, nodding his head. "Hagrid's half-brother Grawp is Pansy's father! And Crabbe and Goyle are her sisters!"

"_Sisters?_" said Harry.

"Yes," said Neville, looking at Harry as if he had only half a brain cell. "Crabbe and Goyle had sex changes yesterday! Didn't you know that?"

"No," said Harry, his eyes filling up with tears. "Nobody ever tells me anything!"

"Who are you taking to The Ball, Padfoot?" Peter asked Sirius.

Sirius moaned and hid behind a newspaper. "Please don't talk about that! I'd prefer to completely forget about my date!"

"So you _do_ have a date!" said James. "Who is it?"

"Earlier today, I was being auctioned off as a Ball date! Can you believe that? I was an auction item!"

"How pathetic," said Harry. "So then what happened?"

"Well, some psychotic girl from the fan club won the auction, and now I have to go to The Ball with her against my will," said Sirius, looking tragic and miserable. He put his head down on the table and whimpered to himself.

"At least you have a date," said James. "If it wasn't for your stupid Fan Club, I would probably have fifty dates."

"Me too," said Harry. "If only everybody wasn't already going with somebody else. This is just like last time for the Yule Ball!"

"Excuse me," said a distant voice, "but are you in need of a Ball date?"

Harry turned around and saw Luna Lovegood standing behind him. "Um, no," he told her. "I don't have a date."

"I don't have one either," she said. "I wanted to go with the invisible Crumple-Horned Snorkack I met over the summer, but he couldn't come since he was busy catching killer bees to add to his collection."

"Right," said Harry, looking bewildered.

"Great, now two of you have got dates and I still don't have one," said James.

"Don't feel bad," said Peter. "Remus and I don't have any either."

"Actually, I'm going with some girl named Parvati," said Remus. "She said that Harry was a lousy date and that she thinks that werewolves are sexy!"

"Okay," said Peter. "Well I don't have a date either."

"Neither does Ron," Harry added.

"Yeah, that's right," said Peter. "Ron doesn't have one either. Well, if all else fails, he could always just go with me."

James stared at him. Remus stared at him. Harry stared at him. Sirius recovered from his self-pity and stared at him.

"Peter," said James. "You didn't really sleep in Ron's bed for three years, did you?"

"No, I didn't!" said Peter hotly. "I have no feelings whatsoever for freckled ginger boys. And to prove it, I'm going to find a date right now! With a non-ginger girl!" He ran out of the Great Hall.

"I'm starting to worry about Peter," said Remus.

"I've been worrying about him for quite a while now," said Sirius.

Ten minutes later, Peter came back into the Great Hall, followed by an ugly girl with glasses and pigtails. Peter pointed at her proudly. "Look, you guys! It's my date for The Ball! Her name's Myrtle."

Harry gaped at both of them. "Moaning Myrtle? Peter, she's a _ghost!_"

"Harry?" said Myrtle, looking at Harry adoringly. "Oh, Harry, you beautiful thing! Why didn't _you_ ask me to the ball? Now I have to go with your idiotic friend!"

Harry shuddered. "I already have a date. And besides, I wouldn't go with you anyway."

She grinned at him ghostily. "Oh, I know you secretly love me! You just pretend you don't!"

Sirius started to laugh so hard at this that the piece of chicken he was chewing on flew out of his mouth and hit Peter, who was standing right by him. Peter glared at him and Sirius only started to laugh harder. "I think Sirius has a laughing problem," Peter said.

"I think you have a complaining problem," Sirius said, pausing from his laughter.

"Well I don't want to be around you anymore. I'm going to go hang out with Myrtle." Peter stormed out of the Great Hall and Moaning Myrtle floated behind him.

"Now I'm the only one without a date," James said tragically. "My life is over!"

"No, you and Ron are the only ones without a date," Harry reminded him.

"Actually, James is right," said Ron, who had just returned to their table. Standing gracefully next to him was a ravishingly beautiful girl with hair of every color and eyes of every hue. Every boy in the room stared at her with drool trickling out of their open mouths.

"Whoa! Who's _that_?" Harry asked, pointing at the girl.

"I'm Aurora!" said the girl in a heavenly voice. "I'm Aurelia's twin sister that she never told you about because we were separated at birth!"

"Oh, Aurelia!" Harry moaned. "Why did you have to go to America? Why?"

"Aurora's my date for The Ball," said Ron proudly. He was about to pull Aurora in for a passionate kiss, but then suddenly frowned as he realized something. "Uh-oh, I still don't have dress robes. That means I'll have to go to The Ball naked!"

"Bad images!" cried Sirius, covering his eyes as if he could actually see a naked Ron.

A bunch of giggling girls pranced over to Ron. "Hey, Ron! We'll gladly steal Dillon's dress robes so you can wear them!"

"I can't wear stolen dress robes!" said Ron. "They belong to Dillon!"

"Come on, Ron, just do it. We're begging you!"

"Why do you want me have his dress robes so badly?"

The girls all giggled loudly and annoyingly. "Those without dress robes go to The Ball in the nude. And if we steal Dillon's dress robes, then he won't have any and will have to go naked!" They giggled harder than ever.

"You guys are sick creeps," said Ron. "But okay, you can do it. As long as I get a pair of nice dress robes out of the deal."

* * *

The next morning at breakfast, Dumbledore stood up to make an announcement. "I have made up my foggy old mind! The Ball will be tonight!"

"Tonight?" Sirius repeated. _"Tonight_?" He hid his face in his hands and started rocking back and forth. "My life has become a living hell."

"It's okay, Sirius," said Harry. "Your crazy date can't be that bad!"

"Oh, but she is!" he moaned. "She stalks me all the time. She even knows the name of my secret stuffed animal pal that nobody, not even James, knows about."

James started to smirk. "What secret stuffed animal pal?"

"Oh great, now I've unleashed my secret! And it's all that girl's fault!"

Dumbledore stood up again. "Once again, I must remind you to make sure you have dress robes. I have to keep reminding you repeatedly because some people just don't get it. You really WILL have to go to The Ball naked if you haven't got dress robes!"

"I've got dress robes, but I still don't have a date," James said mournfully, wallowing in a massive amount of angst. "Nobody loves me."

"I'll go with you!" said Aurora, throwing her arms around him.

"B-ut Aurora, you're going with me!" sputtered Ron.

Aurora didn't hear him, as she was passionately making out with James in a corner.

A few minutes later, Dumbledore stood up yet again. "You may all get ready for The Ball now. It starts in more than ten hours, but that doesn't matter, for Miss Granger needs at least ten hours to do her magnificent hair! You are excused, Miss Granger."

Hermione smiled at him, gave Draco a kiss, and skipped out of the Great Hall. Everyone else followed her and went to get ready.

"I don't have a date," Ron whined pathetically. "This is even worse than not having dress robes!"

"Are you in need of a date, my good Weasley?" said Draco, appearing at Ron's side. "I can help you there."

Ron backed away, horrified. "Oh no, you're not going to ask me to The Ball, are you?"

"Of course not! I've got the perfect date for you." Draco reached into his pocket and pulled out a beautiful, perfect-in-every-way girl. "Here's your very own Sue in a Can! I bought her at a shop, but I lost the can she came in. She also comes with a spare set of dress robes!"

"Wow, thanks!" said Ron, goggling at the girl in disbelief. He led her away and Draco went to help Hermione do her hair.


	16. The Ball of Doom

**Chapter Sixteen  
**The Ball of Doom

About ten hours later, everyone had gotten themselves ready and The Ball was about to begin. Harry and Luna stepped into the Great Hall, followed by Remus and Parvati, James and Aurora, Ron and his beautiful stranger, and Peter and Moaning Myrtle. Sirius was nowhere in sight.

"He's probably hiding," said James.

As Ginny and Dillon walked in, every girl's head turned, and some of them started to sob at the fact that Dillon was not their date. He flashed his dazzling smile at them all and sat down with Ginny, then suddenly jumped up in alarm. "Sweet Merlin! I don't have any dress robes on!" And it was true, for he was only wearing his regular robes. "But I thought I had them a moment ago. They just disappeared!"

Several girls started to giggle. "Well you know what that means." They inched closer to Dillon and widened their eyes. "You have to go naked!"

"NO!" Dillon cried. "The humility! The anguish! I can't take it!" His eyes filled with sexy tears and he sobbed on Ginny's shoulder.

Various girls screamed and gasped. "Oh no! Dillon's crying! We can't have him cry! Quick, somebody give him his dress robes back!"

A couple of girls approached Ron. "Sorry, Ron, but we can't have Hogwarts' Resident Sex God be sad!" They ripped the dress robes off of Ron and presented them to Dillon. "Here you are, Dillon Hot-Stuff. Your dress robes are back!"

Dillon instantly stopped sobbing and pumped his fist in the air sexily. "Yes!" He eagerly put the dress robes back and started to kiss Ginny passionately.

"Uh-oh," said Ron. "Now I haven't got dress robes."

"And nobody wants to see you naked!" chorused everyone in the Great Hall. Ron gave an agonized shriek and wrapped himself up in a tablecloth. His beautiful date jumped out the window and turned into a flying grasshopper, for she was actually an unregistered Animagus. Wow, who would have guessed.

Soon the Great Hall filled up with students and Hermione and Draco were the last to arrive. Draco was dressed in black, as usual, and Hermione looked even more beautiful and Mary Sue-ish than ever before. Her slinky green and silver dress was incredibly short and low-cut and she wore earrings with Slytherin serpents upon them. Various boys felt their jaws drop.

"Hey, Harry. Hey, Ron," said Hermione. "Like my dress?"

Harry and Ron could only nod silently with their mouths wide open.

Dumbledore's eyes were popping out of his head as he gazed at Hermione. "Er... I know everyone is supposed to wear dress robes, but I think there can be one exception to that rule!"

"Is Sirius ever going to appear?" Remus asked.

As if on cue, Sirius Black walked into the Great Hall with a terrified look on his face. He was dragged into the room by a girl who bounced up and down excitedly and occasionally gave Sirius a tight, personal-space-invading hug. "Oh, Sirius! I love you so much!" she exclaimed fangirlishly.

Sirius resisted the urge to vomit right on her shoes.

Her shoes, by the way, were black and had been bewitched so that "I Love SB" was written all over them in silver sparkly writing. Her dress robes were also black and were covered in silver sparkly writing that said things like, "Sirius Is My Hottie," "Sirius Black Forever," "Sirius Is A Cute Doggy," and "Sirius+Me=Eternal Love."

James and Remus started to laugh uncontrollably and Sirius shot them a glare. His psychotic date then dragged him over to a table and he made sure that his chair was as far from hers as possible.

Dumbledore stood up. "Hello, everybody! Welcome to... The Ball! Now start partying!" He grabbed Professor Flitwick and whirled him around in a wild dance.

"Merlin's trousers!" shrieked Flitwick. "P-professor… put me… DOOOOWWWWN!" Dumbledore accidentally let go of Flitwick's hand, and the tiny professor went flying through the air until he landed in a giant vat of pumpkin juice. Shivering and reeking of pumpkins, he climbed out and hid inside Hagrid's jacket that was lying on a chair. Nobody would ever find him there.

All of the students got up and started dancing. Everything was going fine for the first half hour until the doors of the Great Hall opened up with a whoosh, and a tall person wearing a geeky brown suit walked in. "Dang! I'm late! Flippin' Uncle Rico took too freakin' long with that sale!_ Gosh!_"

That's right. Napoleon Dynamite was at Hogwarts. Again.

He looked around. "Hey, this isn't Preston High. This is that place with all the wizards. Sweet!"

"Napoleon, what are you doing here?" Harry asked.

"I'm here for the dance! What do you think?"

"Oh. Well, you can dance with Luna for a little bit," Harry let got of Luna's hand, sat down, and breathed a sigh of relief. At least he was given an excuse to stop dancing.

Napoleon went over to Luna and they started to dance. "I've caught you a delicious bass," he said.

"I like bass," Luna said. "It tastes good with roasted nargles!"

"Nargles?" said Napoleon. Luna explained to him. "Sweet!" he said. "Have you ever heard of a liger?"

"Ooh, yes!" said Luna excitedly. "It's kind of like a lion and tiger mixed and is bred for its skills in magic! My dad and I have been trying to find one for years!"

"So have I," said Napoleon. "But I can't find one! Gosh!"

"Why aren't you dancing, Harry?" Neville asked. He had already danced with several girls and needed to recharge his dancing energy.

"My date is dancing with that weird Napoleon guy over there," said Harry, pointing. "Don't ever talk to him. He's really nutty and keeps going on about ligers."

"What's a liger?" Neville asked.

Harry shrugged. "I don't know. I think it's some weird animal. The father's a tiger and the mother's a lion or something."

"No, you're thinking of a tigon!" said Napoleon, who had overheard. "They're completely stupid and they reek like poo!"

"Er... okay," said Harry.

Another half hour went by, and the students continued to dance, Harry continued to sit, and Professor Flitwick continued to hide in Hagrid's jacket. The jacket was starting to smell like someone's socks, but Flitwick didn't mind.

"This Ball is boring," said Harry with a sigh.

"Then let me make it more interesting!" said a sinister voice, causing everyone to scream in a ridiculously dramatic manner. Floating high up in the ceiling was none other than Lord Voldemort. "I am here to visit my beloved grandson, Harry!"

"No, evil Gramps! Leave me alone!" yelled Harry. "Stop checking up on me, I'm all right!"

Voldemort's face took on a pathetic look and he floated down to the ground. "But you're my beloved grandson and I just want to bond with you." A couple of tears slid down his cheeks. "Why do you continue to shun me?"

"Because you're _Lord Voldemort_! The most evil wizard ever!"

"Honestly, I'm not really that evil." Voldemort looked and sounded even more pathetic than ever before. "I just wanted some power and some minions and some Muggle torture every now and then. Harry, just bond with me! We can go and torment the Dursleys together and then I'll buy you an ice cream! Wouldn't you like that?"

Harry shook his head defiantly. "You're ruining The Ball, Voldemort!"

"Oh, don't call me Voldemort. Call me Grandpa!"

"No, you're ruining The Ball. NOW LEAVE!" Harry couldn't explain why he was suddenly so angry. It was all just a part of hero angstyness and teenage mood swings.

Voldemort shed some tears and sniffed loudly. "My own grandson doesn't want me... Oh, the agony!" He hung his head pathetically and trudged away. Suddenly, he accidentally tripped on a chair leg and landed right on Napoleon.

"Ugh!" said Napoleon. "Get off me, you bodaggit!"

"Sorry," muttered Voldemort. He got up.

Napoleon rubbed his aching shoulder. "Friggin' idiot! Gosh!"

Voldemort sadly went through the doors of the Great Hall. As he walked unhappily through the hallway, something suddenly occurred to him. He had been ordered to leave The Ball, but not the _castle_...

Harry had given up on dancing with Luna and sat down so he could watch everyone else, downing a few butterbeers in the process. Ginny was dancing with Dillon and a large group of girls had their eyes glued to Dillon, watching his every move like hungry animals. "Er... let's go dance in that secluded corner over there," Ginny suggested. "I don't like the way those girls are looking at you."

"Anything for you, fair lady," said Dillon, and he sexily led Ginny over to a secluded area.

Peter and Moaning Myrtle wanted to dance, but they were having some difficulties, as Peter was unable to grasp her ghostly hands. "This is boring!" Myrtle whined. "You're a lousy date and your dress robes make you look fat!"

Peter's beady little eyes welled up with tears and his voice went high and squeaky. "Do they really? My life is over!" He ran out of the Great Hall, headed for the bathroom so he could cry his beady eyes out. Myrtle floated away.

Everyone seemed to be having a good time except for Sirius. His crazy date had tried to kiss him for the fortieth time in less than a minute. He shoved her away. "Don't you know that I need my personal space?" He glared at her with his most evil glare.

The fangirl giggled. "Oh, Sirius! I love you too!"

"I hate you!" Sirius yelled. She giggled even harder.

Suddenly, the doors of the Great Hall flew open yet again, and a dark-haired man with a moustache and a football in his hand walked in. "Napoleon! Napoleon, get over here!"

"Uggghhh!" said Napoleon. He trudged over to the man and glared at him. "What do you want, Uncle Rico?"

"What are you doing here? Somebody has to feed Tina and get some Pampers for you and your brother!"

"Idiot! I'm at a flippin' dance, _gosh_!"

Uncle Rico did not answer him, however, as he was busy staring into space. "Back in 1982, they didn't have efficient diapers. They had to use football skins instead... Blah blah, 1982, blah blah blah..."

"Shut up, Uncle Rico!" snapped Napoleon.

"Napoleon, you're coming with me," said Uncle Rico, snapping out of his little daydream. "And grab some of that steak for me," he added, pointing at a plate full of steak that a Slytherin student was eating.

Napoleon walked over to the table, grabbed the steak, and handed it to his uncle. The Slytherin student started to cry. "I've been robbed by the Steak Burglar! Woe is me!"

Uncle Rico put the steak in his pocket and took Napoleon by the shoulder. "Come on. Your brother's waiting in the van." The two of them walked away and disappeared.

"That was strange," said Harry. "And how did those two get in here anyway?"

Meanwhile, Voldemort was wandering the halls of Hogwarts. There had to be a bathroom around somewhere, but he just couldn't remember where it was. "Curse you, overactive bladder!" he muttered. He went through a couple of more corridors and ended up at a door that seemed somewhat familiar. "Ah, finally! I've been having to go for hours!"

Feeling relieved already, Voldemort pushed open one of the toilet stalls and heard a startled scream. Peter was in the stall, wiping his tear-filled eyes.

"Move aside, kid!" said Voldemort. "When the dark lord has to go, you stand aside! Otherwise, he'll just go anyway, even if you're in his way. And that can't be too pleasant."

Whimpering, Peter gathered up his used tissues and scurried out of the stall.

"Hey," Voldemort said, catching a better look at Peter. "You look familiar. Do I know you?"

"N-no, sir," Peter stuttered.

"Oh. Alrighty then."

Peter fled from the bathroom to find a more private place to cry, and Voldemort took care of certain business. Twenty minutes later he burst into the Great Hall, where The Ball was still going on. "I need to speak with the headmaster!"

Harry groaned. His grandfather just wouldn't leave him be, would he? Now he was going to embarrass him again.

"What is it?" Dumbledore asked.

"I accidentally clogged one of the toilets on the second floor and it's causing a minor flood," Voldemort announced.

"WHAT?"

"I said, I accidentally clogged—"

"No, I know what you said!" said Dumbledore. "I just can't believe what I'm hearing! You are a disgrace to this school!"

Harry put his head in his hands. All the other times Voldemort had embarrassed him were nothing compared with this.

"Do something about it!" Voldemort yelled.

"Professor Flitwick knows more about this sort of thing than I do," said Dumbledore. "Where is Professor Flitwick anyway?"

"Here!" Flitwick said from beneath Hagrid's jacket, though it only sounded like a muffled squeak.

"Sweet Merlin's pantyhose! Meh jacket is talkin' to me!" cried Hagrid. He grabbed his jacket and started bashing it against a wall, as if trying to get a demon out of it. He finally set down it on the floor and walked away to dance with Dennis Creevey. Dennis' brother Colin would be photographing the dancing couple.

Flitwick, who was thankfully still alive, climbed out of Hagrid's jacket and staggered to the Hospital Wing.


	17. Further Mishaps

**Chapter Seventeen  
**Further Mishaps

It was two days after The Ball, and everyone in the castle was bored beyond belief. Harry sighed pathetically. "Alas, I am bored beyond belief! Take pity upon my pathetic self!"

Suddenly, a swirling portal that let off a blinding yellow light opened up in the air. The head and shoulders of a man with pointy ears and wings popped out. "Sirius Black, James Potter, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew! You must go home!"

"Who are you?" Ron asked.

"I am Edward, the Time-Travel Fairy!" said the mysterious man. "It is because of me that Time-Travel is possible!"

"I thought that the flux compacitor made time-travel possible!" Blaise argued.

"You've been watching too many movies, kid," said Edward. "Now you four boys need to get back to your own time right now!"

"Oh, fine," said Sirius with a sigh. He was sucked into the portal and was followed by James, Remus, and Peter. The portal closed up and disappeared.

A crowd of giggling girls walked into the hallway. "Hmm, we haven't stalked Sirius very much today!"

"Sirius is gone," Harry informed them. "He had to go back to his own time period."

"NOOOOO!" the girls screamed in anguish. "Now who will we worship?"

"There's always Dillon Velvetmist," Ron suggested. He smiled at the girls in an attempt to be sexy. "And there's always… me!"

Several of the girls made gagging and retching noises. "Eew! Ronald Weasley? Sorry, but you're not on the list of Ministry approved sex gods!"

Ron sighed miserably.

"Well, we're going to go and stalk Dillon!" giggled the girls, who were now the Dillon Velvetmist Fan Club. They skipped away.

"I wonder where Hermione is," Harry wondered.

"Hello, Harry! Hello, Ron!" said a seductive voice. Hermione was sashaying down the hallway, hand-in-hand with Draco. "Draco and I were looking for an empty classroom. Do you know of any?"

"Harry has the Marauder's Map!" Ron spoke up. He reached into Harry's back pocket, pulled out the Map, and handed it to Hermione. Great. Hermione would probably end up losing it, being the brainless bimbo that she is.

"Ooh, thanks!" Hermione looked at the map. "Hey Dracolicious, the History of Magic classroom is empty. Let's go!" She tried to tug Draco away, but Draco remained standing where he was. "What's the matter?"

"Hermione, I feel that I should tell you something," Draco said in a dramatic manner. "Actually, I should tell the whole school." He pulled McGonagall's purple megaphone out of his pocket and spoke into it. "I AM A VEELA!"

Hermione gasped attractively. "Oh my god! This is so shocking!"

"No wonder he's so sexy!" sighed a group of girls who called themselves the Draco Malfoy Fan Club.

Draco got down on his knees and looked up at Hermione. "Now that you know I am a veela and that I never told you, do you still love me?"

Hermione covered her lips in bright red lipstick. "Of course!" She kissed him passionately on the mouth, getting lipstick all over him, and the two of them headed for the History of Magic classroom.

Ron was in a state of shock. "Whoa. I never saw that coming."

"Oh, you're so silly, Ron!" said Ginny, who was walking with Dillon and was unaware of the giggling girls that were lurking among the shadows and following them. "It's so blatantly obvious that Draco is a veela. Everybody knows that!"

Harry clapped Ron on the shoulder. "It's okay, Ron. You're just the sidekick after all and sidekicks aren't supposed to know anything."

As Harry and Ron walked into the Great Hall, they were suddenly accosted by a couple of Ministry wizards. One of them poked Harry roughly in the chest. "Is one of you Harry James Potter?"

Harry feebly raised his hand. "Yes, that's me." His voice was nothing but a mere little squeak.

The other Ministry wizard waved his wand and a pair of manacles clapped themselves around Harry's wrists painfully. "What are you doing to me?" Harry cried.

"We are here to come and take Harry James Potter away. He has been sentenced to a term in Azkaban."

"WHAT? But I didn't do anything! What did I do?"

The wizards shrugged. "We actually have no idea either. We were ordered to take you away and bring you to Azkaban for no logical reason whatsoever. Now come along." They escorted Harry out of the castle and flew away on a magic carpet, even though they were illegal. Hmm, Ministry wizards breaking the law? Nothing ever makes any sense, does it?

They soon arrived at the prison, which was located in such a remote, faraway place that nobody would ever bother to waste their time trying to find it. They escorted Harry inside and led him to a cell in a corner. One of the wizards unlocked the door, shoved Harry inside, and relocked the door. "Now stay in there, you little delinquent!"

Harry wrapped his hands around the bars of his cage and tugged at them like a caged animal. "But I'm innocent!" The Ministry wizards just laughed and walked away. Harry sat on the hard bench and started to cry noisily.

"Hey, be quiet, kid," said a drawling voice.

Harry looked up and saw Lucius Malfoy in the cell across from his. "Lucius Malfoy? What are you doing here?"

"I was arrested, remember?" said Lucius. "This place is horrible! I'm forced to make due with bad-quality shampoo and they took all my makeup away! But the guards are the worst part. They're simply..." He shuddered and whispered, "_horrible!_"

"Who are the guards?" Harry asked. "The dementors don't work here anymore?"

"No. The dementors ran off and joined a traveling circus. Their replacements are much, much worse!" Lucius, suddenly startled, looked down at the end of the room. "Oh no. One of them is coming now!" He crept into a far corner of his cell and threw a ratty, moth-eaten blanket over himself.

Harry heard it before he saw it. The tinkling of happy little bells, high-pitched giggling, and cheerful hopping. He smelled it too. Like flowers and rainbows and cherry flavored lollipops. The fluffy bunny hopped into sight and bounced in front of Harry's cell. It was pink, yellow, and sky blue and had hearts all over it, and its face was plastered in a spastically cheerful grin that looked rather sadistic. It hopped about excitedly and let out a shrill giggle. "I love you! We're all going to be best friends! A big happy family!"

Harry dove underneath his bench. "NOOOO!"

The bunny giggled again. "You're funny!" It then danced around and broke into a happy little song about fields of flowers and frilly dresses, and then hopped away.

Lucius pulled the blanket off of his head and Harry crawled out from under his bench. "How have you managed to survive this long?" Harry asked.

Lucius shrugged. "I don't know. But I really wish somebody would put me out of my misery right now."

"I want to get out of here!" Harry moaned angstily. "I wonder what everyone at Hogwarts is doing. They're probably frantic and are organizing a rescue mission right now!"

Meanwhile, at Hogwarts, everyone was having a big party in the Great Hall with confetti and music and junk food. It happened to be Meaningless Celebration Day.

"I wonder whatever happened to Harry," said Ron, who was shoveling cake into his mouth.

"Oh, Harry can take care of himself," Hermione said flippantly. "He always manages to get himself out of those situations." She grabbed Draco and the two of danced wildly to the music.

Ron soon forgot all about Harry and went off play Pin the Tail on the House-elf.


	18. Rescue, Adoption, and Proposal

**Chapter Eighteen  
**Rescue, Adoption, and Proposal

"I've got to get out of this awful place!" Harry moaned in an unbearably tragic manner as he sat in his jail cell. His situation had caused him to be just as miserable and heartrendingly angsty as he had been during the summer. Fortunately the bunny guards had not harassed him much that day, since they were probably busy out picking bunches of flowers.

Harry slumped to the floor in a heap, for dramatic effect. "Oh, Ron! Oh, Hermione! I wish somebody would come and rescue me!"

"Harry!" said a voice. "Harry, I can't believe this has happened! I'll save you!"

Harry looked up and saw Voldemort standing outside of his cell. "Voldemort, what are you doing here?"

Voldemort smiled. "I'm here to rescue my favorite grandson of course. Oh Harry, I'm so terribly sorry! What are you doing here?"

"I don't know. I was sent to Azkaban even though I'm innocent!"

"Well it's all right now," Voldemort said gently. "Your loving grandfather is going to save you."

Harry cringed at the words "loving grandfather" but didn't say anything.

Voldemort did some arm stretches and then tugged on the bars of Harry's cell with all his might. He tugged again. And again. Nothing happened.

Harry glared at him. "Oh, great. You can't get me out of here?"

Voldemort scratched his head. "Hmm... Don't you have any special powers or anything like that?"

"Yes, actually I do!" Harry smiled for the first time that day. "I will use my amazing super powers that I have forgotten about until now due to a plot hole!"

"Wait a minute. Why didn't you just use your super powers earlier then?"

Harry shrugged. "I already told you, it's for the sake of a plot hole! There haven't been any major ones for quite a while. Now stand back!" Voldemort moved out of the way and Harry shot orange beams out of his fingertips that melted the bars of his cell. He gratefully walked out of the cell and breathed a sigh of relief. "I'm free!"

"Hey, can't you free me too?" Lucius drawled.

Harry laughed. "Yeah right. I hate your face."

"Oh come on, you foolish boy. I'll be nice. Sort of."

"Nope. Bye, now!" Harry snapped his fingers, even though he was too young to Apparate, and ended up back at Hogwarts. Voldemort went back to wherever it is that he dwells and lurks.

"Oh, hi Harry!" said Ron, who was acting as if nothing unusual had ever happened.

"Why didn't you guys try to help me?" Harry demanded.

"Help you with what?" Hermione asked.

"Help me escape from Azkaban! Where have you two been this whole time? In Stupidtown?"

He received no answer however, as Hermione began making out intensely with Draco, and Ron became absorbed in gnawing on a chicken leg. "My life is so unfair," Harry complained. He stared at Hermione and Draco and felt a surge of jealousy. "I can't believe Aurelia is still in America. I wish I had a love interest."

"I will be your love interest, Harry," said a voice.

Harry turned around saw Professor Snape standing behind him. "SNAPE? What are you doing?"

Snape looked fondly down at him. "You know, I never really hated your father. I actually thought he was the hottest and sexiest thing I had ever set eyes on. You remind me so much of him!"

Harry was possibly more frightened than he had ever been in his whole entire life. "Er, Snape? Are you feeling all right?"

"Oh, I haven't felt this great in years, trust me!" Snape sidled closer and closer with every step. "Harry, you are simply so attractive. I long to hug you and squeeze you and tickle you! Can I tickle you?"

Harry wrapped his arms around himself for protection. "No, get away from me! I want nothing to do with you!"

Snape's smile faded and he looked sad and forlorn. "I'm sorry for intruding on you like this, Harry. I have now seen the error of my ways and know that it is wrong to take advantage of a mere boy. I'm sorry, Harry. I no longer desire you romantically, but instead wish to raise you as my son."

Harry's eyes bugged out of his head. "WHAT? Why does everyone keep wanting to adopt me?"

Snape shrugged. "Beats me. Just say yes, Harry, please! I want to raise you as my own!"

"All right," said Harry. He sank down into a seat, feeling as miserable as ever. "Oh, what have I gotten myself into?"

Since Harry was now being raised by Snape, he dressed entirely in billowy black clothing and he showered less in order to achieve a greasier look. He also had to address Snape as "Father Severus."

"Wow, Harry!" said Ron, eyeing up Harry's new solid black look. The only things that weren't black (apart from his skin, teeth, tongue, and fingernails) were his eyes. Snape had allowed them to remain green as green was a Slytherin color and Snape loved anything that showed Slytherin pride.

Harry started to blush but quickly stopped his face from turning red. As the adopted son of Snape, his face must remain white and pale at all times. "So, what do you guys want to do?" he asked Ron and Hermione.

"I want to eat pie," Ron announced. He grabbed a pie and started shoveling it into his mouth.

Draco got down on his knees in front of Hermione and held out a silver ring studded with a green gem. "Hermione, I desperately love you! Will you marry me?"

"Of course!" giggled Hermione. "But we're only sixteen! And what will your parents say? They'll most definitely object to having their son marry a Muggle-born."

"Actually, Hermione, I have an important announcement," said Dumbledore, walking towards her. "It is time, for me to tell you what I should have told you six years ago, Hermione. Please sit down. I will tell you everything."

Hermione sat, and Dumbledore sat next to her. "Hermione, you are actually from a one-hundred percent Pureblood family. Your blood is probably the purest wizard blood there is. You see, your parents were secret agents living as undercover Muggles."

"Oh my god!" gasped Hermione. "I would have never guessed! This is so sudden!"

"I'm sorry I never told you that earlier," said Dumbledore. "I was only trying to protect you from the Crumple-Horned Snorkacks."

"Crumple-Horned Snorkacks?"

"Oh yes, they exist. Luna Lovegood's father has secretly been breeding them for years, and it was foretold that if you knew of your heritage and your Purebloodedness, than the Crumple-Horned Snorkacks would eat the Half-Blood Prince."

"Oh. Okay," said Hermione. "Well, that doesn't really concern me, so see ya!" She got up from her seat and threw herself onto Draco. "Oh, Draco! Now we can marry and have no worries!"

"Let's go tell my parents right now!" cried Draco.

Draco and Hermione got onto Draco's broomstick and the two of them flew away to Malfoy Manor. As soon as they reached the house, they slid off of Draco's broom and Draco rang the doorbell. His mother Narcissa answered the door and gaped at them in shock. "Draco? What are you doing here?"

"I'm here to introduce you to my fiancé, Hermione Granger!" said Draco.

Narcissa fainted.

"Er... Come on, Hermione. Let's go inside." Draco took Hermione by the hand went inside the house, stepping over Narcissa's unconscious body. Lucius was sitting in a lounge chair wearing a frilly nightgown and had red lipstick on. Draco stared at him in astonishment, partly from the fact that he was there and partly from the fact that he was wearing frilly clothes and lipstick.

"Father? What are you doing here?"

Lucius smiled and waved to his son. "Oh hello, Draco! I managed to bribe the evil bunny guards with Enchanted Carrots of Supreme Joy and Fluffiness and thus escaped from Azkaban. Aren't you proud of me?"

"Er, yes." Draco tried to sound enthusiastic but failed miserably. "Is there any reason why you're wearing the nightgown and the lipstick?"

"Why, of course." Lucius got to his feet. "Azkaban managed to zap quite a bit of my manliness, and I decided that it would be a good idea to get in touch with my feminine side!"

Draco looked about ready to faint. Hermione put a shapely arm around his shoulders.

Lucius flashed a dazzling smile at them both. "So, dear Draco, what are you doing?"

"I am here to announce my engagement to Hermione Granger." Draco gave Hermione a passionate kiss.

Lucius' smile quickly faded. "Her-Hermione Granger? A Mudblood? Draco, your mother and I cannot allow you to do this!"

"Oh, but you can!" said Hermione, smiling a mysterious smile. "For I am actually a Pureblood and my parents are magical secret agents!"

Lucius' grin returned. "Well then changes everything. Congratulations!" His tone suddenly went from amiable to mystifyingly mysterious. "But that means that I may as well reveal my secret too." He threw off the frilly nightgown, revealing a long black cloak with a very high collar. He opened his mouth and his canine teeth seemed to grow larger. "I am... a vampire!"

"GASP!" Draco gasped loudly and with heartfelt emotion. "Oh my god, I would have never guessed! Father, how come you never told me this?"

"Questions later," said Lucius, holding up a hand. "Now it is time for me to feed."

"Well Draco keeps all sorts of things in his pockets!" said Hermione brightly. She stuffed a hand into Draco's pocket and pulled out a delicious looking meal of chicken and potatoes. "Here!"

Lucius knocked the plate of food aside and advanced upon Hermione until he had her backed up against the wall. "No, I do not need to feed on mortal food. I hunger for fresh blood!"

Hermione didn't seem to get the message. "Well I'm sure Draco keeps blood in his pockets! Draco, dear, could you—"

But Lucius put a hand over her mouth, silencing her.

Draco stepped forward with his wand in his hand. "I won't let you hurt Hermione!"

Lucius looked at his son for a moment, and then used his Amazing Vampire Powers to send Draco into a state of unconsciousness. Draco slumped to the floor in a heap and Lucius took his hand off of Hermione's mouth. "Now where were we...? Oh, yes. It is time for me to obtain my meal. I'm so glad that you are actually a Pureblood, as the purer the blood is the better it tastes."

Hermione made no effort to fight him off as he tightly gripped her by the shoulder. She still didn't seem to understand what was going on. Lucius then tilted her head to one side and sank his sharp teeth into the side of her neck. Blood dripped out of the two small holes in her skin and he eagerly lapped it up.

When he finished, he let go of Hermione and she crumpled to the floor, still alive but just barely.


	19. The Characters Write Fanfiction

**Chapter Nineteen  
**The Characters Write Fanfiction

Meanwhile at Hogwarts, Dumbledore suddenly received some very important psychic waves. Oh yes, Dumbledore actually possesses amazing psychic power. Who would have guessed? "Great Merlin's bra strap!" he cried. "Hermione and Draco are in trouble and Harry must save them!"

"Me?" said Harry.

"Yes!" urged Dumbledore.

"But why?"

"Because you're special Harry Potter and you always have to be the hero, of course. Or, if you're too lazy to do everything by yourself a heroine could come in handy."

Harry rolled his eyes. "Where on earth am I supposed to get a heroine?"

"I don't know," said Dumbledore. "Maybe our latest exchange student could help you out."

"Latest exchange student?"

"Of course! Where've you been, Harry?" Dumbledore pointed a finger at a girl who stood alone in the doorway of the Great Hall.

Her long hair flowed and rippled beautifully down her slender back. It was blondish-black and had blue, red, and green streaks in it. She had piercings in her eyebrows, ears, and various other places and she was dressed in a trendy strapless top, skirt, and high-heeled sneakers. "Hello, everyone!" she said. "My name is Christianachelle Rebella! You can call me Christy!" She smiled a perfect smile and took a CD player out of the knapsack on her back and started to listen to it, even though a CD player would never work on the Hogwarts grounds.

"CD players don't work here, you know," Ron told her.

"So?" she said. She turned the volume on her CD player up louder and danced a bit.

Harry spoke up. "So what are we going to do about the grave and dramatic peril that Hermione and Draco are in?"

Christy took off her headphones and eagerly raised her hand. "Ooh, I'll help! I have all sorts of amazing powers and I have more magic than any other witch or wizard in history!"

"Then let's go and save them," said Harry. He and Christy used their super-duper flying powers and flew to Malfoy Manor. Christy was endowed with a magical sense of direction and knew exactly how to get to the Manor.

"Hermione!" Harry threw himself dramatically to the ground and huddled beside Hermione's body. He put his head up to her chest. "She's alive!" He started to weep tragically. "But she's dying!"

"Oh my god, he's so hot." Christy was gazing at Draco's unconscious body. She prodded him but he did not wake up. "Don't worry, I will save them!" She picked up Draco in one arm and Hermione in the other and flew outside with them. Harry followed her and they soon arrived back at Hogwarts.

"We've got them!" Christy announced proudly. She set Draco and Hermione down in the beds in the hospital wing. "I will devote my time to being Nurse Christy!"

"She's so amazing!" Ron sighed. "The world would be in turmoil without her!"

Christy stayed in the hospital wing and spent several days tending to Hermione and Draco. They instantly recovered and everyone was very happy. Neither of them would have survived (even though Draco was merely unconscious) without Christy! She was lavished with many awards and was even asked to be Minister of Magic.

"Oh no, I couldn't be Minister," she said, adjusting the volume of her CD player. "The whole world needs me! I'm more cut out to be a superhero/healer instead!" And she took off into the sky and flew away, her lovely hair billowing and rippling behind her slender back.

Harry wiped a tear from his eye. "I'm going to miss her."

"She'll surely come back, Harry," Ron assured him. "The next time Hogwarts has a crisis, Christianachelle Rebella will be here!" He then began to choke up with sobs and had to bury his face into a pillow.

Hermione and Draco left the hospital wing and were happily married, despite the fact that they were underage and they never had received permission from Hermione's parents. Things like that just didn't matter.

* * *

"That's it! We're getting a divorce!" Hermione's face was flushed and she huffed angrily as she glared at Draco from across the Great Hall.

"Fine then!" said Draco. "I never even wanted to marry you anyway. I just wanted to shock my parents!"

Hermione let out a humongous gasp. "I cannot believe what I am hearing! The nerve of you! I bet you don't even love me!"

"No! I don't!" Draco picked up a goblet of pumpkin juice and splashed it at her. "I hate you so much that... that..." His eyes filled with tears. "Oh, Hermione! I love you! I love you more than life itself!"

Hermione struggled to hold back a sob. "Draco, a Granger and a Malfoy can never live happily together. That's just the way it is."

Harry stood between them with his arms outstretched. "That's enough! Nobody wants to hear any more of your dramatic little episode! What is this, a soap opera?"

"All right," said Hermione. "We'll stop arguing. We're already divorced, anyway." She pulled out some divorce papers with Draco's signature forged upon them and shoved them in Draco's face. Draco fell dramatically to the ground and sobbed loudly with deep anguish.

"Hey, everybody!" said Blaise Zabini excitedly. Blaise decided to be a boy that day and had dark hair curling mysteriously across his forehead. Several girls looked longingly at him. "I have an idea! I think now is the time that we write stories about ourselves!"

"Why would we do that?" Harry asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Silly, Harry. It will be fun, of course." Blaise passed out parchment and ink to everybody in the Great Hall, and they all sat down and began to write.

After a couple of hours had passed, some of the students were already finished with their stories and other were still busily writing. Harry picked up a scrap of parchment that a mysterious breeze had blown over and began to read:

_Harry's hot, steamy body pressed up against Draco's. "I never knew before, but you are the one I want, my Slytherin prince," Harry murmured seductively. He pressed his warm lips across Draco's fiery cheek._

_"We'll have to keep our love a secret," Draco whispered. He tenderly stroked Harry's untidy black hair. It was so soft and the feel of it sent thrills up Draco's spine._

_Harry looked deep into Draco's cold gray eyes. "I don't care. I will take any risks necessary just to be with you, Draco!"_

_Draco felt that he was in heaven. He closed his eyes and slid his tongue into Harry's open mouth—_

Harry was unable to read any more as he was emptying the contents of his stomach all over the floor.

Ron took the piece of parchment out of Harry's hand and skimmed through it. "Bloody hell! Who in the name of Merlin's wedding dress would write such a thing?" Draco's face was beet red and he drifted away as casually as he could. Ron crumpled up the parchment in disgust and tossed it away.

"I'm done with my first chapter already!" Hermione announced proudly. She handed it to Ron, and he read:

_There were four ecktremely beatiful girlz named Hermione Tiffany Christina and Alison. they were all so pretty but hermione was the most beatiful of all and all the boyz loved her she was so hot and secksy._

_One day Hermione and her freinds were in her room it was summer. "I'm so bored!" alison said. She sighed._

_Hermione who also the smartest set down her lip gloss and jumped up and down eksitedly. "Like oh my God, let's go stock Harry Potter!"_

"_yes!" said tiffany. "Harry is like my dream boy!"_

_"No, he's MY dream boy, you betch!" hermione yelled. She was a very big Harry potter fan and always got so angry when peopel said they loved him b/c she loved him and he was hers and no one else's and no one else could have him b/c he was her property so hahahahahaha._

_They all left Hermine's house and they went to the mall. First they bought sevral pairs of really really cute jeans and some so cute flip-flops and then they looked for harry._

"_Oh my God! There he is!" said Christina. She pointed at Harry who was standing in between a vidio game store and Victoria 's Secret._

"_Ooooohhhhhhhh!" said hermione. He was hers and she was going to get him even if it killed her. She went up to him and unbuttuned her top and flutterd her eyeslash. "hello Harry I'm hermione do you want to go to the movies with me b/c i love you and we are destined to be tagether."_

"_Oh, Hermoine," said Harry and his voice was so secksy and hot and secksy. "Oh, hemione, you are the prettiest girl I have ever seen. I want to make you mine." He leaned over and kissed her tenderly on the lipz._

"_Harry, I love you!" said Hermione. she gave him a hot kiss on the lipz and then they walked away to do fun stuff and they were very happy._

Ron thrust the piece of parchment at Hermione and leaned over to empty the contents of his stomach. When he was finished, he turned to Hermione and said, "That was the most awful thing I have ever had the misfortune to read!"

Hermione didn't look offended at all. "Oh, really? Well I really like it! I'm going to show it to some more people!" And she skipped away.

"Thank goodness she didn't show it to _you_, Harry," said Ron. "Harry?"

Harry was busy holding a piece of parchment that had been handed to him by a mysterious person in a black cloak. "So you want me to read this?"

The person in black nodded.

Harry sighed. "Okay." He unfolded the parchment and read:

_Once upon a time there was a man named Tom Riddle, who was actually a very kind and sensitive person despite the fact that no one else seemed to think so. Nobody ever gave poor Tom a chance. The only thing that put any joy into his pathetic life was Harry._

_Harry was Tom's beloved grandson who Tom had adopted out of the pure kindness of his heart. Harry was very devoted to his grandfather and the two of them had a wonderful time together. Every September, when Harry had to go off to school, their parting was always tearful. But Tom always knew that Harry would come back in July and he spent every year eagerly counting down the days. Harry was just as anxious for them to be reunited and he wrote affectionate letters to Tom every single day._

_One day, Tom was sitting in his bedroom with tears of happiness on his face. He had just received a letter from Harry. He always cried with joy whenever Harry sent him a letter. It filled him up with pure, exuberant glee._

Harry threw down the parchment, unable to read any more. "Voldemort! I can't believe you would write such a thing!"

The mysterious person removed the black cloak and everyone could see that it was indeed Voldemort. His eyes filled up with tragic tears. "Harry, I just want you to accept me!" He ran out of the Great Hall, weeping dramatically.

Ron went over and sat down next to Harry. "So, Harry, have you written a story yet?"

Harry smiled mysteriously. "Not a story, exactly. It's more of an epic poem." He handed a piece of parchment to Ron, who read:

_There once was some cereal all frosted with sugar  
__And it was very tasty.  
__I ate a whole bowl in five minutes flat  
__'Cause I was feeling hasty.  
__Oh, I miss my cereal, my sugary cereal  
__That was so very tasty._

Ron finished reading and handed the parchment back to Harry. "Wow. Well that was, er... interesting."

"I'm thinking of getting it published!" said Harry happily. He took it to several publishers but none of them would take it, insisting that it was the most ridiculous pile of nonsense they had ever read. Harry was heartbroken and gave up writing forever. Until the next morning, when he got up and wrote a poem about his favorite pair of socks.


	20. Sirius' Masterpiece

_Note:_ Does anyone remember all the rumors flying around about the last two books before they were released? This chapter contains references to some of those rumors, such as the "Green-Flame Torch" and the "Mountain of Fantasy" (which were both rumored to be the title of Book 6). Also, I don't own anything from _Star Wars _or _Monty Python._

* * *

**Chapter Twenty  
**Sirius' Masterpiece

"Oh no! Whatever do we do?" sighed various students. "We are being attacked by the ever-recurring boredom!" Several of them shuddered dramatically.

"That sounds like a crisis to me! I can help!" said a voice. Christianachelle Rebella hovered in midair and had a pair of headphones on her head, a cell phone in one hand, and a laptop computer in the other. "I have come, along with my trusty Muggle devices that aren't even supposed to work in Hogwarts but manage to work anyway!"

Various students went down on their knees and bowed solemnly. "Christy, you must save us! We are suffering from the boredom disease!"

"Never fear," said Christy. "For I know what to do!" She threw down the laptop, where it settled safely on a fluffy pillow that she quickly conjured. About a hundred or so more laptops soon appeared out of nowhere. "I hope that amuses you! Now if you'll excuse me, I need to fix a crisis elsewhere." And she flew away.

Draco was the first one to approach one of the computers. "What is this mysterious thing?" He cautiously reached out a trembling hand and touched it, as if afraid it was going to bite him. "Oh good, it's safe!" Five minutes later he managed to access the internet and found a list of favorite web sites that Christy had bookmarked. Curious, he immediately clicked on one of the links and a site called fanfiction dot net appeared on the screen.

"What in the name of Merlin's top hat is this place?" Draco murmured. He browsed around and saw to his delight that there were other people who wrote stories concerning him and Harry. He wasn't alone! Draco excitedly clicked on "Register" so he could make an account. "Hmm... Pen name..." Draco had no idea what a pen name was, and so decided that it must be asking for his name. He typed in _Draco Malfoy_. "Already taken? What do they mean, already taken? There's only one Draco Malfoy and that's ME!"

"Draco, what are you talking about?" Blaise asked, eyeing his fellow Slytherin with concern.

"None of your business," Draco snarled.

"Alrighty then." Blaise went back his own computer, where he was downloading illegal pirated movies off the internet.

Draco, after several attempts at getting a pen name that wasn't already taken, finally settled on calling himself DracoMalfoy84720754. He was able to use Christy's email address, and thus created his account.

"Now for my first story." He pulled a piece of parchment out of his pocket, typed it up, and saved the document. He then uploaded it and did everything necessary to create a story. "Aha! I'm almost ready." This is what he had so far:

_Title:_ Forbidden Delicious Romance Between Two Sexy Young Men

_Genre: _Romance/Suspense

_Character One:_ Draco M. _Character Two:_ Harry P.

_Rating:_ M

_Summary:_ Draco and Harry fall madly and deeply in love but struggle to keep their relationship secret. Draco's parents try to pull the lovers apart, but they finally receive help from the Half-Blood Prince. Slash DH Aberforth/Dobby HrSS RW/Goyle mpreg time-travel AU Mary Sue super powers.

Draco then created his story and waited for reviews.

Meanwhile, Hermione had also discovered fanfiction dot net, since all the laptops had belonged to Christy, and had already created an account, in which her pen name was SexySugarAngelFairyGoddess. She was now busy creating her story and already had finished the important information:

_Title:_ hermione & harry's secksy date of love

_Genre: _Romance

_Character One:_ Hermione G. _Character Two: _Harry P.

_Rating: _K

_Summary: _hermione loves harry so much (he is MINE!) & they meet at the mall & fall in love & kiss & harry is so hott & secksy & gorguss & it's the sweetest most beatiful story ever!1 So read & review! R&R R&R R&R!1! read it!

Hermione smiled to herself as she clicked "Create Story." This was going to be such a success. She was going to become a great author!

Harry, surprise surprise, had also discovered fanfiction dot net. What an amazing coincidence. He was browsing the Harry Potter section when he came across a story titled _Forbidden Delicious Romance Between Two Sexy Young Men_ by DracoMalfoy84720754. Without knowing why, he clicked on it and immediately wished that he hadn't. As he looked at the first sentence of the story he was filled with horror, for it said:

_Harry's hot, steamy body pressed up against Draco's._

Harry recognized that sentence. It was the same sentence that was on that piece of parchment, the one that contained that disturbing story. As he scrolled down the screen and skimmed the rest of the page, his worst fears were confirmed. It was the same story, which meant that a Hogwarts student had definitely posted this. Harry anxiously looked at the crowd of students. Who could it be?

That's when his eye caught the name of the author: DracoMalfoy84720754. With sickening dread, he looked over at Draco, who was busily typing and had a dreamy look on his face. "No! It can't be!" Harry refused to believe that Draco would write such a thing.

"Just accept it, Harry," said Blaise, who could read thoughts.

Harry leaned over a conveniently placed garbage can and was sick.

"Ooh!" squealed Hermione. "I've got some reviews for my story!" She clicked on the reviews link and eagerly read them. Despite the fact that most of them weren't nice, she was thrilled to death.

One of her reviews filled with her utmost joy, as it said:

_OMG! This is lyke teh koolest story ever! dis is so sweeet u are such a good writr! Ur so rite, hermine & harry belong 2gether! Rite more pleez, dis story rox!_

"Success!" cried Hermione happily. She then began typing away at her next chapter, in which she and Harry would make out passionately, declare their undying love to each other, and make out some more.

"I wonder if anyone would enjoy my poem about sugar frosted cereal," Harry wondered anxiously.

"A poem about sugar frosted cereal? That's the most idiotic thing I've ever heard!" said a voice.

"SIRIUS!" cried Harry. He ran over to his godfather (who was actually his father, if you remember) and gave him a hug. "I haven't seen you in such a long time!"

Sirius grinned. "I decided to leave Beyond the Veil again, even though I'm going to miss their donuts! As I walked out of the restaurant, I was wondering where to go and decided to pay you a visit!"

"I'm so glad you're back! You've got to read this genius poem I wrote!" Harry placed a piece of parchment into Sirius' hand, and Sirius read.

He soon finished and handed the parchment back to Harry. "Harry, that's absolutely ridiculous. In fact, this is probably the worst poem of all time."_  
_

Harry struggled to hold back his tears. "Well then why don't _you_ write something and see if you can do better!"

"Great idea!" Sirius grabbed a quill and some parchment and started to write. "Behold!" he cried when he was finished, holding his parchment in the air. "I have finished writing my great and wonderful story!"

"Well then let me see it, then," said Harry, not believing that Sirius was capable of writing something "great and wonderful."

Sirius handed him the parchment, and Harry read:

_Sirius Black and the Dark Lord's Scar_

_Sirius Black was the world's smartest, most handsome, nicest, most talented, most generous, and most wonderful man. The whole world loved him and they all believed him to be the most innocent man in the entire universe._

_One day, this exceedingly magnificent man named Sirius decided that he would be the world's savior and would defeat Lord He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named._

_So he went to the Dark Lord's lair, held out his purple lightsaber, and said, "Aha! You are the Sith Lord! You are under arrest!"_

_"I don't understand," said the Dark Lord. "What are you talking about?"_

_"Sorry, wrong story," said Sirius. He tossed aside the lightsaber and whipped out his wand. "I have come to defeat you, He-Who-Has-A-Ridiculously-Long-Nickname! I must do it for the good of mankind, and also to keep my son Harry from danger!"_

_The Dark Lord laughed. "Too late! I have already killed Harry Potter!" He pointed at the crumpled body of Harry, which lay in a corner of the lair._

_"NOOOO!" Sirius screamed in anguish. He pointed a finger at the Dark Lord. "I'll be back!" He then turned around and strode out of the lair._

_Sirius had to save his son Harry. But he didn't know how. The very next day, he ran into Marcus Flint, a young man who had once attended Hogwarts. He grinned at Sirius and Sirius could see that he was wearing braces._

_"Wow! Marcus, when did you get braces?"_

_Marcus grinned even harder, causing his mouth to stretch across his face. "I got them last month, with the help of the Green-Flame Torch!"_

_"What's the Green-Flame Torch?"_

_"It's a torch of green flame, and it can solve all sorts of amazing problems!" Marcus pointed proudly at his mouth. "A month ago I was in severe depression and was ready to commit suicide because I couldn't handle my awful troll teeth anymore! But that's when I found the Green-Flame Torch and it got me braces and saved my life!"_

_"Amazing," murmured Sirius. "Where can I find this wonderful Torch?"_

_"It is guarded by the Great Chief House-elf, who lives in a kitchen on the Mountain of Fantasy."_

_"Thanks," said Sirius._

_"It was my utmost pleasure," said Marcus warmly. He flashed another smile, opened up his black umbrella, and flew away._

_Sirius then traveled far and wide, trying to get to the Mountain of Fantasy. It turned out that the Mountain could only be reached through the Chamber of Secrets, and so using his newly acquired Parseltongue powers, Sirius went into the Chamber and stood before the entrance to the Mountain._

_A house-elf stood in front of the entrance. "You can't pass until you answer three questions! If you answer incorrectly you'll be thrown into the Oven of Half-Blood Princes!"_

_"All right," said Sirius. "What are the questions?"_

_"What is your name?" the house-elf asked._

_"Sirius Black."_

_"What is your quest?"_

_"To find the Green-Flame Torch."_

_"What is your favorite color?"_

_Sirius thought to himself for a moment. "Is black considered a color?"_

_"I don't know," confessed the house-elf. He was then thrown into the Oven of Half-Blood Princes._

_Sirius shrugged and passed through the entrance, then climbed up the Mountain of Fantasy. There it was, held in a bracket stuck into the ground: the Green-Flame Torch._

_Sirius eagerly grabbed the Torch, left the Mountain of Fantasy, and went back to the Dark Lord's lair. Fortunately, the Dark Lord was out playing Wizard's Chess with his Death Eaters. "I've got the Torch!" Sirius cried. He rushed over to Harry's body and burned him with the Green-Flame Torch._

_"OW!" screamed Harry, immediately opening his eyes. He sat up and moaned. "What did you burn me for?"_

_Sirius hugged his son. "Harry, I've brought you back to life! I'm the smartest, most handsome, nicest, most talented, most generous, and most wonderful man in the whole world!"_

_"NOOOOOOOO!" screamed the Dark Lord, entering the lair. He had lost the chess game and had decided to return to his lair and cry over it. "This wasn't supposed to happen! Now I have to kill Harry again and I have to kill you too!"_

_"Not if I kill you first!" said Sirius. He pointed his wand at the Dark Lord. "Avada Kadavra!"_

_There was a flash of green light and the Dark Lord fell over. He was dead, but his forehead was forever left with a scar.  
_

_The end._

Harry sighed and handed the parchment back to Sirius. Sirius' face was eager and anticipated. "Well? What do you think of it?"

"It was just as bad as my poem!" said Harry. "In fact, it was _worse_ than my poem."

"_Nothing_ could be worse than that poem!" Sirius said indignantly.

"At least my poem was original. The part near the beginning where you meet Voldemort the first time contains a total Star Wars rip-off! And the part where you answered the three questions to get into the Mountain is a rip-off of Monty Python and the Holy Grail!"

"Well that doesn't make it a bad story!" Sirius insisted. "In fact, I'm going to go get it published, just to prove to you how great it is!"

And so Sirius took his story and attempted to get it published. The very first publisher he went to absolutely loved it and wanted to publish it right away. Other publishers heard about Sirius' story and demanded to see it. They all instantly fell in love with it.

"_Sirius Black and the Dark Lord's Scar_ is going to a huge hit!" said the first publisher excitedly. "Mr. Black, you are going to be the wealthiest and most successful author in the world!"

_Sirius Black and the Dark Lord's Scar _was published and the entire world went crazy over it. It received several awards and was a Best Seller. Sirius made enough money to buy Hogwarts. Though he didn't, of course. Instead, he bought a lot of donuts and the offspring of Norbert the Norwegian Ridgeback.

Harry, meanwhile, was seething with jealousy and rage. The publishers had rejected his poem. Why did everybody love Sirius' trash so much? It was even worse than anything Harry had written, but yet it was the most popular piece of writing in the entire universe.

Sirius patted Harry on the shoulder. "I know you're jealous, Harry. But cheer up. I'm giving you half of the fortune I earned!"

"Really?" Harry instantly forgave his godfather. The moral: Money does not win friendship, unless you're Sirius Black.


	21. The Discovery of E-mail

**Chapter Twenty-One  
**The Discovery of E-mail

The fanfiction writing craze soon died down and Hogwarts slipped into a state of boredom once again. Harry heaved a pathetic, shuddering sigh. "I almost wish we could have classes."

McGonagall suddenly appeared, as if on cue. "I have an important announcement to make. Due to Educational Decree Number Six Trillion, five billion, and ninety-two, students are now required to take one class minimum per day. That is all." She disappeared.

"Oh, no!" wailed Hermione. "I don't want to go to class! Learning is for losers."

"Our class for today is Defense Against the Dark Arts," Ron said. "We'd better go."

Harry, Ron, Hermione, and various other students all filed into the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom and sat down. Remus Lupin grinned at them all enthusiastically. "Today, we're going to learn about Dark Arts!" He tacked a piece of paper on the wall, tipped a paintbrush in some black paint, and painted a big black splotch on the piece of paper. "This... is dark art!"

The class stared blankly back at him.

Remus ignored them. "Anyway, dark art is considered evil because it is boring and possesses very little artistic potential. Now can anybody tell me... how much wood can a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood and practiced the dark arts?"

The class continued to stare blankly at him.

"Oh, come on! One of you has to know the answer! What about you, Harry?"

Harry looked very disturbed. "Professor Lupin, are you sure you're teaching your subject correctly?"

"Harry, are you sure you're teaching _your_ subject correctly?" Remus asked.

"What?"

"Nevermind," said Remus. "You're going to be my volunteer! So come to the front of the classroom, dear Harry."

Harry nervously got out of his seat and stood at the front of the room.

"Now," said Remus, "I am going to practice the dark arts on you, so try to defend yourself!" He dipped the paintbrush into the black paint and painted the side of Harry's face.

"Bloody hell!" Harry yelled. "You just painted me!"

Remus looked at him as if he were very unintelligent. "Harry, this is _Defense_ Against the Dark Arts class! You should have stopped me!"

"I think Professor Lupin has gone insane," Ron whispered to Neville. "I say we go get Madam Pomfrey." Neville nodded and the two of them crept out of the classroom.

"Can I go back to my seat and wash this paint off?" Harry begged.

"Not so fast!" said Remus. "You're still part of the demonstration. Now hold still." He dipped his brush in the paint again and was about to paint the other side of Harry's face but Harry knocked the brush out of his hand. The brush went flying across the room and landed right on top of Draco's head, which caused Draco to burst into tears because his perfect pretty hair had been ruined.

Ten seconds later, Madam Pomfrey burst into the classroom with Ron and Neville behind her. "All right, Professor, it's time to take you to the loony bin!" She shot Remus with a tranquilizer dart and hauled him away.

"Thank Merlin!" cried the students. "Class is over!"

"I must get out of here as soon as possible before I am further tainted by the evils of learning!" shrieked Hermione. She was the first one of the out of room and immediately went to find a bathroom so she could reapply her mascara.

"I'm starting to think that Hermione is right," said Ron. "Learning really is for losers."

Neville stood on top of a stool and waved his arms excitedly in the air. "I say we bomb the school and set up an anarchy!"

"That will be enough from you, Mr. Longbottom!" said Madam Pomfrey. She shot Neville with a tranquilizer dart and he fell off the stool and ended up in a tangled heap on the floor.

"Let's go to the Great Hall," Harry said to Ron.

"Why?"

"I don't know. The Great Hall seems to be where we always go when there's nothing better to do." Harry and Ron went into the Great Hall and were soon approached by Professor McGonagall.

"Care to donate to the Draco Abuse Fund?" McGonagall asked, holding out a collection box.

"What are you talking about?" Harry asked.

"Well haven't you heard? Lucius Malfoy has been practicing child abuse on Draco and so we're all trying to give Draco the justice he deserves! Isn't that right, Draco?"

Draco was reclining in a soft armchair and a house-elf was giving him pumpkin juice. "Yes," he said tragically.

McGonagall gave him a hug. "Oh, it's all right, you poor thing. We'll all protect you because we just love you so much!" She patted him fondly on the head and walked away.

"Well that was weird," said Harry.

"Not as weird as what I have to tell you, Harry," said a voice.

Harry turned around and saw Christy floating in the air above him. "Christy, what are you doing here?"

"You're not going to take your laptops back, are you?" Ron said worriedly.

"No," said Christy. "What I have to say is this: Harry, the reason I have superpowers is because... I'm your daughter!"

"WHAT?" Harry cried. "That can't be!"

"Oh, but it is!" she insisted. "I am the daughter of you and Aurelia. I swallowed an aging potion shortly after I was born in America , making me sixteen years old!"

Harry promptly fainted.

"Did I pick a bad time to tell him?" Christy said to Ron. Ron merely shrugged.

Harry soon regained consciousness and opened his eyes, but at the sight of Christy he scuttled backwards and was ready to pass out again. "Are you okay, Harry?" Christy asked, looking at him anxiously.

"Why didn't you tell me earlier that you're my daughter?" Harry demanded woefully. "And why didn't Aurelia ever tell me? I thought we had a good relationship and could tell each other things!"

"Hey, everyone!" Draco interrupted, running into the Great Hall. He was eagerly holding a laptop in his hands. "I've just figured out how to create an e-mail account!"

Everyone in the Great Hall promptly grabbed their own laptops, fighting over who got to use the prettiest ones. Draco explained how to create e-mail accounts and soon everyone in the castle was able to successfully use e-mail, despite the fact that it went against all logic.

"But what's the point of this?" Harry asked, typing _I_Hate_Voldy__ at wizardnet dot com_ as his e-mail address.

"I don't know," said Ron, typing up his address, _King_Weasel at wizardnet dot com_. "Maybe because instant messaging and chat rooms are so overdone."

"Yeah, you have a point," said Harry.

Over the next few days, e-mails went back and forth throughout the computers of Hogwarts. We will now take the time to invade the characters' privacy and see what they're sending to each other:

**TO:** mostperfectangel  
**FROM:** I_Hate_Voldy  
**SUBJECT:** I demand an explanation!

_Aurelia,_

_How come you never told me about Christy? Why didn't you tell me we had a daughter? I've never felt so betrayed in my whole entire existence! You made me cry, Aurelia. I cried so hard and then the tears fogged up my glasses and I couldn't see and tripped over a chair. Now I have a scraped knee and it's all your fault!_

_Harry (who is very upset with you)_

**TO:** I_Hate_Voldy  
**FROM:** LuvMyGrandsonHP  
**SUBJECT:** How's my favorite grandson?

_Hi, Harry. Just wanted to know how you're doing. I have been sorely wounded by your e-mail address. Hate is a very strong word, Harry. Surely you can't mean that._

_Love, Grandpa Voldemort_

**TO:** LuvMyGrandsonHP  
**FROM:** I_Hate_Voldy  
**SUBJECT: **Re: How's my favorite grandson?

_Yes, I do mean it, and I'm keeping this e-mail address! Now leave me alone and never mail me again!_

_Harry (who doesn't like you and never will)_

**TO:** I_Hate_Voldy  
**FROM:** mostperfectangel  
**SUBJECT:** Re: I demand an explanation!

_Harry,_

_I couldn't tell you about Christy because a prophecy made approximately 88 billion years ago said that if you knew that Christy was your daughter, it would create a time paradox in the future. Sorry about your scraped knee._

_Love, Aurelia_

**TO:** StRaIgHtSeXyHaIr  
**FROM:** bouncingferret  
**SUBJECT: **You thief!

_Hermione,_

_My last bottle of hair gel has disappeared and I suspect you! You're the only one in this castle who obsesses over hair care as much as I do. Now give me back my gel or else!_

_Draco_

**TO:** withoutagender  
**FROM:** NurseLadySM  
**SUBJECT:** Birth Records

_Mr./Ms. Blaise Zabini,_

_I'm terribly sorry, but the hospital seems to have lost your birth record. It was accidentally destroyed in a magical fire sixteen years ago, and unfortunately we have no other record of what sex you were born with. Good luck in discovering your gender!_

_Yours truly, Nurse Lady  
Saint Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries_

**TO:** I_Hate_Voldy  
**FROM:** hotdogSB  
**SUBJECT:** Hey Harry

_Harry, I was wondering if you would like go to the Beyond the Veil restaurant with me tomorrow. They have really good cookies!_

_Sirius_

**TO:** bouncingferret  
**FROM:** StRaIgHtSeXyHaIr  
**SUBJECT: **Re:You thief!

_Wat r u talking about draco? I didnt take ur gel! maybee dobbie the houseelf took it u shuold ask him._

_hermione_

**TO:** hotdogSB  
**FROM:** I_Hate_Voldy  
**SUBJECT:** Re: Hey Harry

_HotdogSB? Hotdog? You've got to be kidding me, Sirius. Yeah right. As for your invitation, sure, I'd like to go to Beyond the Veil. The Dursleys never gave me any cookies, which I think is the worst abuse ever. Imagine a world without cookies! Life wouldn't even be worth living. Well, see you later, Sirius._

_Harry_

**TO:** I_Hate_Voldy  
**FROM: **liger_warrior  
**SUBJECT: **How's it going?

_Greetings, member of the Nessie Alliance. Those flippin' retarded Japanese scientists are still trying to blow Nessie out of the water. Where's Sir Curt Godfrey? I looked him up but couldn't find him! Dang! So anyway, do you think you could find your leader or whatever and move Nessie to a safer lake? The Japanese scientists will never find her if she's hidden and protected by a strong enough force-field._

_Yours truly, Napoleon Dynamite_

Harry looked at the last e-mail he received in shock. "How the heck did that weirdo get my e-mail address? And what is he talking about, anyway?"

"Let me see!" Ron went over to look and quickly read through Napoleon's message. "Napoleon Dynamite? He's that nerdy Muggle who's obsessed with wizards and mythical creatures, right? Gosh, he's just like a reversed version of my dad. A Muggle who loves wizards instead of a wizard who loves Muggles."

"So do you think I should reply to him?" Harry asked anxiously.

Ron shrugged. "Sure, why not? What harm could it do?"

Harry clicked on the "Reply" button and started to type an e-mail to Napoleon.

**TO:** liger_warrior  
**FROM:** I_Hate_Voldy  
**SUBJECT:** Re: How's it going?

_Napoleon,_

_I don't know how in the world you managed to get my e-mail address, but never send me any more mail ever again. I am not a member of this "Nessie Alliance" you're talking about. I'm just a student at Hogwarts School. And who is this Sir Curt Godfrey? I've never even heard of him. As for the Lochness Monster, there's nothing to worry about. The Ministry of Magic keeps her carefully protected. I seriously doubt any Japanese scientists could ever do anything._

_Harry Potter_

Harry clicked on the "Send" button and looked at Ron. "Well, let's hope nothing weird comes out of this whole situation."

Ron shook his head. "Harry, what could possibly happen?"

"Hmm, you're right. Let's go get some food, I'm hungry." He shut down his laptop and he and Ron piled food onto their plates.


	22. Harry's Mailbox

_Note: _Once again, I apologize for the crossovers in this story. My younger self was completely obsessed with _Napoleon Dynamite. _I don't own any characters from that movie, _Lord of the Rings_, or _Back to the Future _(which I was also obsessed with back in the day).

* * *

**Chapter Twenty-Two**  
Harry's Mailbox

Later that day, Harry went back on his computer, got onto the internet, and checked his mailbox. "Holy Merlin! I've got six e-mails?" One by one, he clicked on the mail and read it.

**TO: **I_Hate_Voldy  
**FROM: **liger_warrior  
**SUBJECT:** Gosh!

_You mean you've got a special government that protects Lochness Monsters? Sweet! Why did you never tell me this before? Gosh! Well, I got to go check that out, if you don't mind. But first I've got to feed Tina or Uncle Rico will throw steak at me. See ya._

_Yours truly, Napoleon Dynamite_

Harry smacked himself on the forehead. "Oh no! He's going to visit here again! I don't know how much more of that weirdo I can take." He deleted Napoleon's e-mail, not bothering to reply, and read the rest of his mail.

**TO: **I_Hate_Voldy  
**FROM: **vote_for_me  
**SUBJECT:** Hola

_Napoleon gave me your e-mail address and he says you're real good at protecting creatures and stuff. He says he's coming to your school and that I can go too if I want. If you vote for me, all of your wildest dreams will come true. Vote for Pedro._

_Pedro Sanchez_

Harry groaned. Now Napoleon's friend was going to make an invasion too. He typed out a reply.

**TO: **vote_for_me  
**FROM:** I_Hate_Voldy  
**SUBJECT:** Re: Hola

_Pedro,_

_You say Napoleon gave you my e-mail address? MAKE SURE HE DOESN'T GIVE IT TO ANYONE ELSE. Do you understand? Now as for your visit, I never even said that you and Napoleon could come to my school. Please stay away from me and my friends. We don't want you here. And I already voted for you, so stop begging me to!_

_Harry Potter_

Harry sighed. He hoped Pedro would understand. And he sure hoped Napoleon didn't give his e-mail address out to any more people. The thought of tons of strangers sending him mail sent shivers down his spine. He still had four more messages to read, so he looked at the next one.

**TO: **I_Hate_Voldy  
**FROM: **beautifulsavior  
**SUBJECT:** Hello Daddy

_Harry,_

_This is your daughter, Christy. Hi! I have to go back to America to live with my mom so she can use her amazing powers to prevent a time paradox from happening. Remember the prophecy my mom mentioned to you? Well if a time paradox occurs it will be all your fault. But don't worry, mom is trying to fix things._

_Love, Christy_

Harry didn't know to reply to this. At least Christy would be gone and he wouldn't have to see her again. He closed out the e-mail and read the next one.

**TO: **I_Hate_Voldy  
**FROM: **baths_r_4_squares  
**SUBJECT: **I have a confession to make

_Hello, Harry Potter. Some guy named Napoleon gave me your e-mail address and I'm mailing you to tell you that I have a confession to make. It was me who stole Draco Malfoy's last bottle of hair gel. Cleanliness just offends me so much that I've decided to confiscate and destroy every cleaning and beauty product there is. I suggest you get rid of all your soap, otherwise I'll sneak into your room and destroy it myself._

_Aragorn son of Arathorn, a.k.a. King Elessar of Gondor, etc., etc., etc._

"No!" Harry groaned. His warning to Pedro was useless then. It was too late. Who knew how many other random people had his e-mail address because of Napoleon? "When Napoleon gets here, I am going to kill him." He clicked on the "Reply" button.

**TO: **baths_r_4_squares  
**FROM: **I_Hate_Voldy  
**SUBJECT: **Re: I have a confession to make

_Aragorn son of Arathorn, a.k.a. King Elessar of Gondor,_

_This is Harry Potter. I understand that you received my address from Napoleon Dynamite. Do whatever you can to stop him from giving my address out to other people, and MAKE SURE YOU DON'T GIVE IT TO OTHER PEOPLE either. I haven't got any soap, so go steal from someone else and leave me alone._

"These people are really getting on my nerves," Harry moaned. He clicked on his next message.

**TO: **I_Hate_Voldy  
**FROM: **mysterious_stranger  
**SUBJECT: **WARNING

_Harry,_

_You do not know who I am but I know who you are. Don't worry, I did not get your e-mail address from Napoleon. I already knew your address, along with the addresses of everyone in your world as well as those in other worlds too. I am sending you this to let you know that if Napoleon and Pedro come to Hogwarts and interfere with anything to do with the Lochness Monster, it will cause a time paradox. Keep them away from "Nessie."_

_Mysterious Stranger With No Name_

Harry looked at his fifth e-mail and felt very freaked out. Who was this mysterious person and how did he or she know so much about him? And what was up with this Nessie business and the paradox thing? Harry sighed. He shouldn't have listened to Ron. Communicating with Napoleon Dynamite was proving to cause disaster. He clicked on his sixth and final e-mail and read it.

**TO: **I_Hate_Voldy  
**FROM: **not_a_chicken  
**SUBJECT: **Paradox

_I met this random guy named Napoleon and he gave me your e-mail address. Anyway, I'm sending you this because my good friend Dr. Emmett L. Brown is annoyed over the frequent usage of the phrase "time paradox" that has been going on. He's getting paranoid and thinks a time paradox really will happen if people keep talking about it. So do Doc a favor and quit talking about paradoxes._

_Marty McFly_

"Not another person who got my address from Napoleon!" Harry moaned. "And who's this Marty McFly guy? His name sounds familiar." Harry thought back to all the movies the Dursleys owned and one called _Back to the Future _came to mind. "Nah, it has to be coincidence." He clicked on the "Reply" button.

**TO: **not_a_chicken  
**FROM: **I_Hate_Voldy  
**SUBJECT:** Re: Paradox

_Marty,_

_It's not my fault people keep talking about paradoxes! I can't stop people from saying what they want to say. And if you ever encounter Napoleon again, tell him not to give out my e-mail address and please make sure you don't give it out to anyone. Who's this Doc guy anyway? I think I might have heard his name on some time-travel movie._

_Harry_

"Well, I'm glad that's over with," said Harry, relieved that he had read the last of his e-mails.

Ron went over and sat down next to him. "Hey, Harry!

"Don't talk to me, Ronald Weasley," Harry said dramatically. "I have to sit here and act tragic and angsty!" He moaned tragically. "Oh, the angst! It's killing me!"

"What's wrong?" Ron asked.

"Well, Napoleon Dynamite and his friend Pedro are coming and we have to make sure they do nothing Lochness Monster related, otherwise the world will be destroyed."

"Well that sure is overly-dramatic," Ron commented. "Can't everybody just cut down on the drama just a little bit?"

"Of course not, Ron! Our pathetic lives are fueled by drama! And that's not all. Napoleon has also given my e-mail address out to a bunch of random people and it's driving me crazy. I received mail from Aragorn son of Arathorn, Marty McFly, and some mysterious nameless person! I don't even know these people!"

"Then change your e-mail address," Ron suggested.

"Great idea!" said Harry. "Why didn't I think of that?"

"Because being tragic and angsty leaves no room for being smart."

"You have a point."


	23. Paradox Prevention

**Chapter Twenty-Three**  
Paradox Prevention

The next day, Harry changed his e-mail address so that crazy strangers couldn't mail him anymore. The only people who were allowed to know his address were people at Hogwarts. He quickly mailed Ron and Hermione to let them know.

**TO: **King_Weasel  
**FROM: **I_Really_Hate_Voldy  
**SUBJECT: **New address

_Hey Ron,_

_I got a new e-mail address. Do you like it? Don't tell anybody about it unless I give you permission to. If you let anything slip, I'll destroy your last pair of second-hand underwear (they're falling apart anyway)._

_Harry_

**TO:** StRaIgHtSeXyHaIr  
**FROM:** I_Really_Hate_Voldy  
**SUBJECT: **New address

_Hi Hermione,_

_I got a new e-mail address. Don't tell anyone. By the way, some guy named Aragorn e-mailed me and he told me that he was the one who stole Draco's last bottle of hair gel._

_Harry_

**TO:** hotdogSB  
**FROM:** I_Really_Hate_Voldy  
**SUBJECT:** New address

_Hi Sirius,_

_I had to change my e-mail address because random strangers were getting a hold of my old one. I don't think I can meet you at Beyond the Veil because I have to prevent a time paradox from occurring. Sorry._

_Harry_

"Well, that takes care of that," Harry said. "I wonder when that idiot Napoleon and his crazy friend Pedro are going to get here."

"Did he even say when he's coming?" Ron asked.

"Nope. That just proves how unreliable nerds are."

"Yep," said Ron, shaking his head in agreement. "Never depend on a nerd."

Suddenly, there was a loud popping noise and then the sound of two pairs of feet landing on the floor. "Dang! Flippin' time machine still doesn't work!"

"Oh no," Harry groaned. "They're here."

Napoleon turned around and looked at Harry. "See, Pedro, there's the wizard kid who knows all about Lochness Monster protection."

Pedro also turned around to look at Harry. "I like his bangs."

"Yeah, me too," said Napoleon. "Lucky! Wish I had sweet bangs like that!"

Harry walked over to them. "Hey, Napoleon. Hi, Pedro. What on earth are you guys doing here? I told you I didn't want you to come!"

"Idiot!" said Napoleon. "I already told you, I want to check out the sweet Nessie security you guys have got. Gosh!"

"Actually, Napoleon, you can't do that. I have to make sure that you and Pedro have absolutely nothing to do with the Lochness Monster, otherwise it will cause a paradox."

"You mean one of those things that could destroy the universe?" Napoleon yelled.

Ron suddenly walked over and tapped Harry on the shoulder. "Harry, you've got mail."

Harry groaned. "More mail? Who could it possibly be from?" He went over to his laptop, got online, and checked his mailbox. He had one message.

**TO: **I_Really_Hate_Voldy  
**FROM: **not_a_chicken  
**SUBJECT: **Line stealer!

_Harry, this is Marty again. Doc has been complaining some more about how you guys won't stop talking about paradoxes. That doesn't really bother me, but what does bother me is this: Napoleon Dynamite stole my line! Only I get to say "You mean one of those things that could destroy the universe?" when someone mentions a paradox (which you guys aren't allowed to mention anymore)._

_Not sure how I got your new address, by the way. Maybe you need better e-mail protection?_

_Marty McFly_

Harry deleted the e-mail and shut down his laptop. "Okay, you guys. We all need to really stop talking about this stupid paradox. It's making some guy named Doc upset. And Napoleon, no more using Marty McFly lines."

"Marty who?" Pedro asked.

Harry shrugged. "I don't know. He's some guy I met online who apparently doesn't like being called a chicken."

"Do the chickens have large talons?" Napoleon asked.

Harry sighed. These two were going to drive him completely crazy. "Well, Napoleon, you and Pedro should go back to your home now. There's nothing for you to see here."

"What about the Lochness Monster?" Pedro asked.

Harry was about ready to rip off Pedro's stupid little mustache and fling it out the window. "YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO SEE THE STUPID LOCHNESS MONSTER! NOW GET OUT OF HERE!"

"Uh-oh, Harry's angry," Ron said worriedly. "And he's speaking in all capital letters. He only does that when he's really ticked off."

"Okay," said Napoleon. "Well, see ya then." He picked up a metal contraption that he had dropped when he and Pedro arrived. "Hey, Pedro, could you put the crystals in the time machine?"

"Yes," said Pedro. He pulled a handful of crystals out of his pocket and put them in the contraption.

Harry stared at the device in disbelief. "A time machine?"

"Heck yes," said Napoleon. "My uncle Rico and brother Kip bought it online. It's a piece of crap though and doesn't really work. Stupid flippin' time machine! Gosh!"

"_Time machine?_" said an unfamiliar voice.

Everyone turned around and saw a boy with brown hair who was wearing a red vest, blue jeans, and white Nike shoes.

"What's with the life vest?" Napoleon asked him.

"Did somebody just mention a time machine?" the boy repeated.

"Yes," said Pedro. "Who are you?"

"Marty McFly."

Harry's eyes widened. "Marty McFly? You're that guy who sent me e-mails and told us not to mention paradoxes or steal your lines!"

"Oh yeah," said Napoleon. "You're that guy I gave the wizard kid's e-mail address to."

Ron sighed. "This has already become a Napoleon Dynamite crossover more than once! Is it about to become a Back to the Future crossover too?"

"Hey, Back to the Future is one of the greatest movie trilogies ever!" said Blaise Zabini. He or she then ran off to find some clothing that would appear neither feminine nor masculine.

"Marty, what are you doing here?" Harry asked.

"Well, Doc sent me to find out about this time machine of yours. First you guys steal our lines and now you're stealing our time travel ideas! What is with you people?"

"Actually, the time machine that doesn't work belongs in my world and not the wizard kid's world," Napoleon explained.

"Oh. Well don't talk about that time machine anymore or Doc will get upset." Marty looked around the castle. "What is this place anyway?"

"Headquarters of the Nessie Alliance," Napoleon said.

Harry kicked him in the shin. "It is not! Shut up! This is Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and we have nothing to do with the Lochness Monster whatsoever."

"Weird," said Marty. "I must be dreaming. Hope I wake up soon."

"Pedro and I had better get going now," said Napoleon. "I have an appointment at the Cut 'N Corral and I don't want to be late for my hair cut." He and Pedro hooked themselves up to the "time machine" and promptly disappeared back to Idaho.

"Thank goodness they're gone!" said Harry. He was so happy that he felt like dancing. He started to do an extremely wild riverdance and ended up knocking into Marty. Marty fell over and whacked his head on a stone statue and lost consciousness.

"Er... oops," said Harry, flushing redder than Ron's hair.

"Note to self: A dancing Harry is a lethal Harry," Ron muttered to himself.

* * *

Several minutes later, Marty McFly lay on a bed in the hospital wing with his eyes shut and was tossing and turning. "Mom... Mom, is that you?"

"There, there, now, just relax," said Madam Pomfrey. "You've been asleep for almost nine minutes now."

Marty still had his eyes closed. "I had a horrible nightmare, dreamed I went to some crazy school full of wizards. It was terrible."

Madam Pomfrey straightened his blanket. "Well, you're safe and sound now, here in good old Hogwarts."

Marty's eyes flew open and he quickly sat up. "HOGWARTS?"

The door of the hospital wing opened and Harry and Ron came in. "Marty, you're awake," said Harry. "Sorry I knocked you out."

"Harry's a maniac!" Ron cried. "A dancing maniac who tries to kill people with his dancing!" He quickly sprayed himself with a can that was labeled "Harry Repellant." Harry immediately took several steps away from Ron.

"What am I still doing here?" Marty asked wildly. "I'm supposed to be back in Hill Valley, California, in 1985!"

"We can probably send you there," said Harry. "We're wizards, we can do anything!" He grabbed Marty by the arm and dragged him out of the hospital wing. Ron, being a useless tag-along, ran after them. Harry took Marty to... gasp... the Great Hall. Where else? "Hey, Dumbledore? Are you here?"

"BOO!" Dumbledore screamed, popping up behind the Slytherin table. For some odd reason he was wearing a bra on over his robes. The elderly are definitely a mystery.

Ron shrieked like a girl and jumped into Harry's arms. "AAAGGHH! Spiders! I don't like spiders!"

Harry dropped Ron and pushed him away, as the Harry Repellant had not yet worn off. "Ron, you're being disturbing."

"What is it you want?" Dumbledore demanded.

Marty was looking at Dumbledore as if he were from one of the fictional planets in his father's science fiction novels. "Er, I need to be sent back to Hill Valley, California in the year 1985."

"Well then you've come to the right person!" said Dumbledore. "I happen to have my very own Bang-a-Whang Cheese Processor/Transportational Deviceoid!"

Marty looked even more freaked out, if that could be possible. "A-a what?"

"A Bang-a-Whang Cheese Processor/Transportational Deviceoid!" the headmaster replied. "It can magically transport you to any time and any place! And it also processes cheese!"

"Er... great," said Marty nervously.

Dumbledore reached a hand into his pocket and pulled out a large machine that was made out of bright blue plastic and was covered in stickers of fuzzy woodland animals. It had a door on it and was covered in brightly colored buttons and controls.

"You've got to be kidding me," Harry muttered.

Dumbledore smacked him. "Do not speak any ill of the Bang-a-Whang Cheese Processor/Transportational Deviceoid! It can hear you, know. It will get revenge!"

Harry stepped far, far away from Dumbledore.

Dumbledore pointed at the blue plastic machine. "Now, Marty, all you have to do is get inside that machine, push some of the pretty colorful buttons, and you'll be sent to the time and place you want to go to. Plus, as an added bonus, you can have processed cheese!"

"Great," said Marty, though he didn't really think it was great at all. Not having much of a choice, he opened up the little plastic door and got inside the Bang-a-Whang Cheese Processor/Transportational Deviceoid. There were controls and a little keyboard and he typed in "Hill Valley, California; October 26, 1985."

"Are you ready?" said Dumbledore's voice.

"Yeah," said Marty.

"Okay." Dumbledore pushed a large fluorescent pink button on the outside of the machine and a loud noise suddenly erupted from it. BANG-A-WHANG! The machine bounced around a little bit and then sat still.

Dumbledore opened up the little door. "Marty, are you gone?" It was completely empty inside. Marty had been sent back to his proper time and place, and was probably a bit emotionally disturbed now. Poor Marty.

Dumbledore buried his face in a tissue and cried his eyes out. "I'm sure going to miss that boy!"

Harry sighed. "Well now I'm depressed again."

"Because you miss Marty too?" said Ron.

"No, it's not that. I… I wish I was pretty," Harry admitted in a depressed voice. "Pretty like Draco Malfoy, only I'm not a veela like he is. Some guys get all the luck."

"Well I say we both get make-overs, Harry!" Ron suggested. "I'm tired of having red hair and freckles!"

"You have a point," said Harry.

"To the girl's bathroom!" Ron shouted.

Harry raised an eyebrow. "The _girl's_ bathroom?"

"Well, of course, Harry! You don't think Hermione hangs around in the boy's bathroom, do you?"

"What does Hermione have to do with this?"

"Hermione knows more about beauty and fashion than anybody at this school," Ron explained. "She can make us look stunningly gorgeous!"

"Great idea. Let's go!"

Harry and Ron ran out of the Great Hall and entered the girl's bathroom, where Hermione was sitting on an upturned garbage can reading a fashion magazine. She looked up boredly. "Hi, Harry. Hi, Ron."

Ron threw himself on the floor in a begging position and looked up at Hermione. "Oh, Hermione, make me beautiful!"

"Here." She threw him a large purse. "Knock yourself out."

"Thank Merlin!" Ron took the purse and went into an empty toilet stall.

"What about me?" Harry asked.

Hermione reached into her pocket and pulled out a beautiful dress that swirled and sparkled with every color. "I'm sure you'll look fabulous in this." Harry eagerly went into a stall to change.

A few minutes later, Ron came out of his stall and caused the entire world to go into shock. His mouth was covered in bright red lipstick and he had on false eyelashes and enough mascara to paint somebody's bedroom with. His eyelids were covered in layer upon layer of eye shadow of every single color and he had plucked his eyebrows and drawn on artificial ones in bright blue eyebrow pencil. He looked like a circus clown, only worse.

"I bet I look absolutely gorgeous now!" Ron declared proudly.

Hermione stared at him and was unable to say anything for a full five minutes. Ron started to feel self-conscious. "Don't you like the new look, Hermione?"

Hermione fainted.

Harry came out a few moments later wearing the dress Hermione had given him. "I really think this dress is totally my style! The only problem is I'm so flat-chested! This dress would look so much better on me if I had some bre— RON! WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR FACE?"

Ron looked hurt. "Don't you like it?"

"You look like a cheap clown, only a million times worse."

Ron ran into one of the toilet stalls to cry his multicolored eyes out. Hermione recovered from her faint and looked up at Harry. "Oh, Harry, you look gorgeous!"

Harry blushed delicately. "Thanks."

"You're a bit on the flat-chested side, though. I think I have something to fix that." She took something out of her extra purse and handed it to Harry.

"Thanks, Hermione!" Harry eagerly went into the stall next to Ron's.

Hermione picked up her fashion magazine and searched for the page she was on. "I really am the best fashion consultant on the planet."


	24. The Sister

**Chapter Twenty-Four**  
The Sister

A couple of days later everyone was gathered in the Great Hall, as usual. Nobody really knew why they were constantly gathered in the Great Hall, but that doesn't matter. What does matter is that it was a very important day that day, for Hermione Granger had something drastically important and dramatic to announce.

She stood on top of the Gryffindor table and clinked two goblets together so she could have everyone's attention. Unfortunately, the two goblets shattered and pieces of glass embedded themselves in Hermione's skin. Harry used his amazing super powers to remove them though, and the day was saved.

Now back to Hermione's announcement. Due to the little glass accident, she now had the whole school's attention. "Guess what, everybody? I have a sister!"

Everyone in the Great Hall gasped loudly and a few students even fell over and fainted. "Oh my god!" cried Ron. "This is the most shocking and unexpected news I have ever heard in my entire existence!"

Hermione giggled. "Yes, it is quite shocking, isn't it? Nobody ever knew about my sister because she was hidden away for all seventeen years of her life due to a prophecy made." Her voice took on a deep and dramatic tone. "The prophecy stated that if people knew about my sister, then Blaise Zabini's true gender would be revealed!"

"GASP!" gasped Blaise. It fainted and its head landed right in the bowl of gravy on the table.

Harry raised his hand. "Hermione, why are you telling us about your mysterious sister anyway?"

"Because..." She paused for about fifteen seconds in order to be dramatic, "...she's coming to Hogwarts!"

Suddenly, the doors of the Great Hall were opened and a girl who looked a lot like Hermione entered. Her hair was long and straight and every beautiful shade of brown imaginable. She was dressed in a tube top and a scandalously short shirt and was wearing the trendiest shoes. She was simply gorgeous. "Hello, I'm Hermione's sister, Helena-Heather-Harmonica-Harvard! But you can call me Helen." She smiled an attractive smile.

Every male in the room had his eyes glued to Helen, and Filch bitterly realized that there would be a lot of drool for him to mop up.

"Hermione," sighed Harry, gazing raptly and adoringly at Helen, "why didn't you ever tell us about your sister?"

"Because I never knew about her until today," Hermioned explained. "I accidentally came upon the diary of Tom Riddle and he told me everything about my sister! He then possessed me and made me paint the Slytherin common room fluorescent pink. He had always wanted a pink common room."

Helen then walked over to the Gryffindor table and every pair of eyes followed her every movement. "Hello, fellow Gryffindors! There is no need for me to be sorted as everyone can clearly see that I am one hundred percent Gryffindor, of course." She sat down next to Harry and fluttered her eyelashes at him. "Hello," she murmured seductively.

Harry didn't need any seducing, for he was already madly in love. "H-hi."

Helen smiled attractively. "Boys with scars on their foreheads really turn me on!" She grabbed Harry and passionately kissed him.

Hermione gasped with deep anguish and smacked her sister upside the head. "Helen, you female dog! He's mine and you can't have him!"

Helen took her lips off of Harry's and glared at Hermione. "Well I got to him first! So back off!" She then went back to kissing Harry. Hermione started to cry (attractively, of course) and turned away so she couldn't see the two of them.

Harry sighed. "It looks there's going to be a catfight over me."

"It had to happen sometime," Ron said wisely.

"Hey!" said Blaise. "Since everybody knows about Hermione's sister now, then does that mean my true gender will finally be revealed?"

"No way," said Hermione, who instantly stopped crying. "The prophecy lied, of course! All prophecies lie!"

"NOOOOO!" cried Blaise. It started to weep in deep anguish.

Harry was about to have a passionate make-out session with Helen when Dumbledore suddenly appeared, looking very wise, mysterious, and elderly. "Harry, I have something drastic that I must tell you! I tried to tell you years ago, but I was unable to because if I did, then the son of Peter Pettigrew would cut out my tongue!"

"But Sirius is the son of Peter Pettigrew!" said Harry. "He wouldn't do that."

"Actually, he would. You see, six years ago, Sirius ran a tongue-removal business. It went bankrupt though, which is why it is now safe for me to tell what I need to tell you." Dumbledore took a deep breath. "Harry, you are Slytherin's Heir!"

"OH MY GOD! GASP!" cried Harry.

"But that's not all!" Dumbledore continued. "You are also Gryffindor's Heir, and Ravenclaw's Heir, and Hufflepuff's Heir!"

Harry fainted from shock.

"Oh, I'll save you, Harry!" Helen purred seductively. She kissed Harry on the lips and Harry instantly woke up.

"Oh, Helen," Harry moaned. "My heart is filled with a fiery passion of deep love for you! I would marry you this very day if it wasn't for the fact that I am now legally married to your sister Hermione!"

"WHAT?" Helen shrieked. "How can this be?"

"Well," said Harry, "Hermione went and got a marriage document and she forced me to sign it. If I didn't sign it, she said she would kill Bolty!" He started to sob. "I love you, Bolty, and I would never let her harm you!"

"Who's Bolty?" Helen asked.

"My Firebolt," Harry said matter-of-factly. "Bolty is my affectionate pet name for him."

Helen let out a sob of deep anguish. "I can't believe you're married to my stupid sister! Harry, I cannot go on without you!" She fell over and fainted dramatically.

"Mwahaha!" cackled Hermione. "I could not allow Helen to take Harry away so I have married him! We're going to be sooooo happy together, Harry. We now get to live in the Married Couples' Dormitory."

"There's a Married Couple's Dormitory?" Harry asked in disbelief.

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Well of course there is! It's been there the whole time! You need to get your eyes checked, Harry."

Dumbledore approached Harry again, still looking wise, mysterious, and elderly. "Harry, I must present you with... the Hairbrush of Hogwarts!" He held up a black hairbrush that had the Hogwarts seal on it. "This Hairbrush can only be used by someone who is the heir of Gryffindor, Slytherin, Ravenclaw, and Hufflepuff!"

Harry took the Hairbrush. "I still don't understand. How can I be the heir of all four founders?"

Dumbledore cleared his throat. "Well, Your connection to Slytherin comes through your grandfather Voldemort and your Gryffindor connection comes through your mother, James Potter's long-lost sister. The Grangers (who are actually undercover wizards posing as Muggles) are all Purebloods and were all in Ravenclaw, and since you're married to Hermione that's where your Ravenclaw connection comes from."

"But about the Hufflepuff connection?" Harry asked.

"Your father Sirius Black got transferred to Hufflepuff in his seventh year."

"WHAT?" Harry cried. "How can that be possible? Students can't get transferred to other houses!"

"Well Sirius was a special case. The other teachers and I felt that he just couldn't keep up with the Gryffindors, so we decided to place him in Hufflepuff."

"I can't believe this," Harry moaned. "My own father was a Hufflepuff!"

Dumbledore nodded his head wisely. "Yes, yes, it's very sad. Well, take care of that Hairbrush, Harry. Use it well." And he walked away.

"Well you heard what he said," said Hermione. "He said to use it well, and I'm an expert at using hairbrushes. Harry, since I'm your wife, I should get to use your Hairbrush!"

"But it can be only be used by the heir of the four founders," Ron pointed out.

"Well, yeah, but I'm his wife! So I should get to use it!" Hermione snatched the Hairbrush out of Harry's hands and brushed her straight luxurious mane. Suddenly, the Hairbrush started to hum loudly and Hermione got sucked up inside it.

"What in the name of Merlin's nail polish just happened?" Ron cried in disbelief.

Harry picked up the Hairbrush. "Hermione just got sucked up by this Hairbrush!" He let the Hairbrush fall to the ground. "Oh well. Now I won't have to deal with a nagging wife that I didn't even want to be married to in the first place."

Draco grabbed the Hairbrush and cradled it tenderly in his arms. "Oh, Hermione, my beautiful ex-wife! Our time together was so short yet so happy! If only I could rescue you!"

"Hey, back, off, Draco!" growled Harry. "Hermione is with me now!" He snatched the Hairbrush and Draco latched himself onto Harry's legs.

"Oh, please give it back!" he moaned.

"No," said Harry. "I'm going to rescue Hermione. Except I don't know how to save her."

"If you want to rescue Hermione, you must use the Hairbrush!" said the all-knowing Blaise Zabini.

"Alrighty then." Harry brushed his hair and was suddenly sucked into the Hairbrush, along with Draco, who was still holding onto his leg.

Harry and Draco landed with a loud crash. As Harry stood up and looked around him, he saw that he and Draco had ended up in a large field that had hairbrush bristles growing out of the ground instead of grass. There were some buildings around that were made out of black plastic and had various hairbrush brand names stamped on them.

Draco stood up and fixed his hair. "Where are we?"

"We're in Hairbrushland," Harry replied. "We have to find Hermione and bring her back to Hogwarts with us."

"But where is Hermione?"

Harry shrugged. "Do you really expect me to know that?" He cupped his hands around his mouth. "HERMIONE! HERMIONE, WHERE ARE YOU?"

"Right here!" said a voice. Harry and Draco turned around and saw none other than Hermione.

"How is that possible?" Draco asked. "She was nowhere in sight just a moment ago!"

"Well in Hairbrushland, anything is possible!" Hermione said perkily.

Harry took her by the hand. "Come on, Hermione. We have to get back to Hogwarts now."

"But I don't want to go," she protested. "This is Hairbrushland, the greatest place in the universe! I can spend my whole entire time brushing my hair, and with the absolute finest brushes too. I've landed in heaven!"

"Well I'm your husband and I say you're leaving!" said Harry.

"And I'm your ex-husband and I say you're leaving!" said Draco.

Hermione stuck out her lower lip and pouted sexily. "Oh, all right. I'll leave."

"How do we get out of here?" Draco wondered.

"The pumpkin juice I drank this morning endowed me with temporary psychic powers," Harry said. "Therefore I know that in order to get out of here, we have to pick these bristles out of the ground and brush our hair with them!"

Harry, Draco, and Hermione picked the hairbrush bristles and brushed their hair. Within seconds, they were suddenly transported back to Hogwarts and the Hairbrush of Hogwarts was lying upon the floor, as if nothing unusual had happened in the first place.


End file.
